And this is how it ended......Can finally talk about it.
I've resisted putting up this post for 3 weeks, the main reasons are out of shame and feeling like a fool.
However having seen a couple of other threads by some brave people sharing their story I think by feeling embarrassed and not sharing I'm keeping it in and not being real. Part of recovery is owning my feelings and sharing with others to put a spotlight on the shame so it will hopefully evaporate.
Lot of talk about being bait or hooked in by an ex. Well I was doing really well with the NC with my ex even Turning him away from my door when he arrived unannounced with his suitcases. I was feeling strong. One final hook came. An email titled 'farewells', stating he was returning to England the following day and would I like to hang out to say goodbye. I caved, felt emotional and thought it was the least I could do if he was leaving.
So we met up, he called to mine. We sat and chatted and I asked lots of questions. He admitted the previous emails he had sent were indeed lies, he had not been sober and doing well as he claimed but we're all a ruse to get my attention. He said the current girl he was living with was really only someone he was using, was bait and he had no feelings for her. He said if he could move in with me he would rethink going back to England. That's when the alarm bells went off...again. He probably had no intention of going back or was at least chancing his arm to see if he could stay with me.
In my weakness I felt sorry for him, everything I had learned went out the window. I told him I would think about allowing him move in. He said he only drinks 2 days a week now and would be looking for work. I told him I'd let him him know but I'd need time to think. I told him if he was going back to England he should do it regardless of my thinking about him moving in, that it would probably be for his best to go back.
He did not go back to England and never let me know so heard nothing untill I text to ask. Said he changed his mind and didn't go back as he was too scared as he would be going to a hostel or be homeless. To cut a long story short he called later that day, had some drink with him. He was putting pressure on for him to move in. I really was feeling overwhelmed and my instincts were saying don't do it especially with his drinking and how he talked about the girl he was living with. Horrible language. So I told him I didn't think it was a good idea.
He got physically abusive and punched me in the face. His whole demeanor changed and he turned into a horrible person, even his tone of voice changed to what I can only describe as evil. I felt in trouble. He cut the chord from my hoover and threatened to go and hang himself! I told him to just leave my house which he eventually did under duress.
To say I was in shock is an understatement, but boy did I have a lucky escape. If I had let him move in my life would be in ruins. My confidence has taken a huge knock and friends have noticed. I feel like a lot of the hard work I did on myself has gone but hopefully it's in here still just to be built up again.
I have heard nothing since apart from passing him in a car with her. I never want to hear or see him again in my life. My reason for sharing is to try get over the shame of it all and show that those codependent traits for me are always lurking below surface level. I had to have people stay with me for the first week after this happened as I was so anxious he might return. I know I deserve so much better than him. I never saw it ending like this but this is finally my out! I can never be in contact with this person ever again. It was all a sham. My therapist said I was lucky that it could have ended in tragedy.
In the last three weeks I've been exercising more, going to therapy and reading my books again. I got complacent but boy do I now know how much better I deserve. Was away for a two night break this weekend which has done me so much good. Spoke to some lovely people who don't know me and the change of scenery helped. I feel like I had a huge setback but I'm going to rebuild.