And this is how it ended......Can finally talk about it.

Old 04-07-2019, 11:55 AM
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And this is how it ended......Can finally talk about it.

I've resisted putting up this post for 3 weeks, the main reasons are out of shame and feeling like a fool.

However having seen a couple of other threads by some brave people sharing their story I think by feeling embarrassed and not sharing I'm keeping it in and not being real. Part of recovery is owning my feelings and sharing with others to put a spotlight on the shame so it will hopefully evaporate.

Lot of talk about being bait or hooked in by an ex. Well I was doing really well with the NC with my ex even Turning him away from my door when he arrived unannounced with his suitcases. I was feeling strong. One final hook came. An email titled 'farewells', stating he was returning to England the following day and would I like to hang out to say goodbye. I caved, felt emotional and thought it was the least I could do if he was leaving.

So we met up, he called to mine. We sat and chatted and I asked lots of questions. He admitted the previous emails he had sent were indeed lies, he had not been sober and doing well as he claimed but we're all a ruse to get my attention. He said the current girl he was living with was really only someone he was using, was bait and he had no feelings for her. He said if he could move in with me he would rethink going back to England. That's when the alarm bells went off...again. He probably had no intention of going back or was at least chancing his arm to see if he could stay with me.

In my weakness I felt sorry for him, everything I had learned went out the window. I told him I would think about allowing him move in. He said he only drinks 2 days a week now and would be looking for work. I told him I'd let him him know but I'd need time to think. I told him if he was going back to England he should do it regardless of my thinking about him moving in, that it would probably be for his best to go back.

He did not go back to England and never let me know so heard nothing untill I text to ask. Said he changed his mind and didn't go back as he was too scared as he would be going to a hostel or be homeless. To cut a long story short he called later that day, had some drink with him. He was putting pressure on for him to move in. I really was feeling overwhelmed and my instincts were saying don't do it especially with his drinking and how he talked about the girl he was living with. Horrible language. So I told him I didn't think it was a good idea.

He got physically abusive and punched me in the face. His whole demeanor changed and he turned into a horrible person, even his tone of voice changed to what I can only describe as evil. I felt in trouble. He cut the chord from my hoover and threatened to go and hang himself! I told him to just leave my house which he eventually did under duress.

To say I was in shock is an understatement, but boy did I have a lucky escape. If I had let him move in my life would be in ruins. My confidence has taken a huge knock and friends have noticed. I feel like a lot of the hard work I did on myself has gone but hopefully it's in here still just to be built up again.

I have heard nothing since apart from passing him in a car with her. I never want to hear or see him again in my life. My reason for sharing is to try get over the shame of it all and show that those codependent traits for me are always lurking below surface level. I had to have people stay with me for the first week after this happened as I was so anxious he might return. I know I deserve so much better than him. I never saw it ending like this but this is finally my out! I can never be in contact with this person ever again. It was all a sham. My therapist said I was lucky that it could have ended in tragedy.

In the last three weeks I've been exercising more, going to therapy and reading my books again. I got complacent but boy do I now know how much better I deserve. Was away for a two night break this weekend which has done me so much good. Spoke to some lovely people who don't know me and the change of scenery helped. I feel like I had a huge setback but I'm going to rebuild.
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Old 04-07-2019, 12:05 PM
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Oh no Glenjo99, so sorry to hear that happened, hope you are okay. That switch to physical violence can happen so fast, and it’s a terrifying experience for sure. Thank you for being willing to share your story and experience with us, your story and those of others here, have helped me so much this past year.
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Old 04-07-2019, 12:20 PM
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Originally Posted by pdm22 View Post
Oh no Glenjo99, so sorry to hear that happened, hope you are okay. That switch to physical violence can happen so fast, and it’s a terrifying experience for sure. Thank you for being willing to share your story and experience with us, your story and those of others here, have helped me so much this past year.
Thanks Pdm. I'm getting better, more of a confidence knock than anything but I'm determined to build it up again and to believe I am worthy of healthy relationships from now on. Self care and self love will be my best friends from now on. I guess I had to experience this for myself, as they say, words don't teach only experiences do.
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Old 04-07-2019, 12:28 PM
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99 View Post
I can never be in contact with this person ever again. It was all a sham.
Ugh, this is where the cycle can lead to. You have written the words I quoted at the beginning of this post several times in the past, so hopefully you will live by them now.

Did you press charges against the ex for physically assaulting you? It's great that you have friends who could stay in your apartment to protect you thru the first week, but guys like your ex do not let go easily. Next time he is in need, you will still be in his mental roledex as a potential source of sustenance. If he assaulted you once he would do it again. Getting the authorities involved can sometimes be the only way to protect yourself against these types of people.

As you see now, we can sink very very very low into our codependence, and our delusions and addictions re: others. "Hitting one's bottom" doesn't only apply to addicts.

Hopefully this time turns out to be your bottom. But that is up to you.
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Old 04-07-2019, 12:30 PM
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99 View Post
I feel like a lot of the hard work I did on myself has gone but hopefully it's in here still just to be built up again.
I guarantee that all of your work is still with you. No question. We might need more practice implementing it, but we can never unlearn what we know. All of your healing and inner work stands firm for you to build more upon.

Thank you for sharing this chapter of your story, Glenjo. Your posts always help me and I'm grateful that you're here.
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Old 04-07-2019, 12:32 PM
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99 View Post
He got physically abusive and punched me in the face. His whole demeanor changed and he turned into a horrible person, even his tone of voice changed to what I can only describe as evil. I felt in trouble. He cut the chord from my hoover and threatened to go and hang himself! I told him to just leave my house which he eventually did under duress.
btw This reminds me of something that Anvilhead likes to write: "how do you know if someone is still in active addiction? Just say "no" to them and see how they respond."
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Old 04-07-2019, 12:34 PM
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And lastly, want to say that I think your honesty in writing this post is admirable, and shows how much work on yourself you have done. Fallenangelina is right, that work doesn't leave you. Sometimes it's 2 steps forward and 1 step back. But that step back can be a real doozy.
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Old 04-07-2019, 12:43 PM
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Originally Posted by FallenAngelina View Post
I guarantee that all of your work is still with you. No question. We might need more practice implementing it, but we can never unlearn what we know. All of your healing and inner work stands firm for you to build more upon.

Thank you for sharing this chapter of your story, Glenjo. Your posts always help me and I'm grateful that you're here.

Thanks it's good to hear that we can't unlearn it. Even this weekend being away for 2 nights and re reading some of my books was so nice. Talking to healthy people reminded me of the types of people I want to be around now, and what that looks like.
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Old 04-07-2019, 12:47 PM
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Originally Posted by Needabreak View Post
Ugh, this is where the cycle can lead to. You have written the words I quoted at the beginning of this post several times in the past, so hopefully you will live by them now.

Did you press charges against the ex for physically assaulting you? It's great that you have friends who could stay in your apartment to protect you thru the first week, but guys like your ex do not let go easily. Next time he is in need, you will still be in his mental roledex as a potential source of sustenance. If he assaulted you once he would do it again. Getting the authorities involved can sometimes be the only way to protect yourself against these types of people.

As you see now, we can sink very very very low into our codependence, and our delusions and addictions re: others. "Hitting one's bottom" doesn't only apply to addicts.

Hopefully this time turns out to be your bottom. But that is up to you.
This is one million percent my bottom. I never want to experience this type of abuse again. I think I'm the type of person who has to learn it for myself. I didn't press charges and I know I was advised to but from my learnings about narcissistic abuse ( which rightly or wrongly I believe he is) informs me he thrives on drama, which I know he does anyway, so I didn't want to feed it any further. However it would be different were it to happen again. I'm praying now he might leave the town I live in and return to England. Whatever happens I'm my no 1 priority now.
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Old 04-07-2019, 12:56 PM
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Hi Glenjo,

I'm sorry you've gone through this. I highly recommend calling a DV support helpline and also going into a police station to talk with an officer about this. Actions first, recovery follows. Simple, brief conversations for gathering information can be powerful.

These actions create new, good, healthy neuropathways in the brain that can be huge in recovering from narcissistic/emotional/psychological abuse.


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Old 04-07-2019, 01:07 PM
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ugh Glenjo, I'm so sorry it came to that. That's traumatic. I am glad this is truly the end of it.

I hope if he ever shows up on your doorstep again that you just call the police and let them know he has been violent before and you would like them to come and intervene.

I agree that what you have worked so hard to achieve is not gone. If you need proof of this just go back and read some of your earlier posts, before you started work on this. Back then he would already been living with you, from the chocolate visit if not before.

Sure, you wobbled in your resolve a little bit but you didn't rush in. You considered what you need and that is your work in action, it's become part of your mindset now, that's really great.

I've resisted putting up this post for 3 weeks, the main reasons are out of shame and feeling like a fool.
I'm glad you posted about it.
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Old 04-07-2019, 01:26 PM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
ugh Glenjo, I'm so sorry it came to that. That's traumatic. I am glad this is truly the end of it.

I hope if he ever shows up on your doorstep again that you just call the police and let them know he has been violent before and you would like them to come and intervene.

I agree that what you have worked so hard to achieve is not gone. If you need proof of this just go back and read some of your earlier posts, before you started work on this. Back then he would already been living with you, from the chocolate visit if not before.

Sure, you wobbled in your resolve a little bit but you didn't rush in. You considered what you need and that is your work in action, it's become part of your mindset now, that's really great.



I'm glad you posted about it.
Thanks Trailmix. I'm so glad it's the end too. Truly all my feelings have gone and I'm left with a desire to be healthy in myself and the type of people I'm surrounded by. I don't think he would chance calling again, but never say never and the police would be first port if call. Im also so glad I put that early work in, I just need to build on it and be stronger in boundaries. Great to hear from people that it's not gone just needs refreshing.
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Old 04-07-2019, 01:27 PM
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Originally Posted by Mango212 View Post
Hi Glenjo,

I'm sorry you've gone through this. I highly recommend calling a DV support helpline and also going into a police station to talk with an officer about this. Actions first, recovery follows. Simple, brief conversations for gathering information can be powerful.

These actions create new, good, healthy neuropathways in the brain that can be huge in recovering from narcissistic/emotional/psychological abuse.


Thanks Mango. Been listening to lots more a.h. today.
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Old 04-07-2019, 02:41 PM
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please do not continue to think you know what is going on his head, or to diagnose him. you cannot predict his thinking. you say you want the abuse to stop - we do that by reporting the abuse to the authorities, taking out a restraining order and adhering to it.

hoping he will leave town is not a plan.
hoping he will never show up again is not a plan.
as the saying goes - silence implies consent. by not taking action, he gets away with bad behavior. you are not the only person he has treated in such a way. nor would your reporting the abuse keep others safe.

but it helps keeps YOU safe. on your own, you are no match for this guy. he will be back. guaran-f'ing-tee it. all the alanon skills in the world will not stop a punch that is thrown at us.
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Old 04-07-2019, 02:51 PM
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https://youtu.be/V1yW5IsnSjo
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Old 04-07-2019, 02:52 PM
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Would agree with Anvil here. Make a report even if you don't press charges. Get it into the record.

Also, a restraining order would be an excellent idea--who cares about his drama if he can get arrested for approaching you again.

If he has another mark (the woman in the car?) he's only temporarily distracted, and he will very likely be back again when that crashes and burns.

As long as he sees any breach in your defenses, which he did, you are still an option to him in his addict mind.

This is potentially a very dangerous situation. I don't think you maybe get how dangerous?

I'm glad you shared, but please take care of you and be very cautious.
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Old 04-07-2019, 03:01 PM
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99 View Post
...
However it would be different were it to happen again.
...
You are the only one who can make sure that it does not happen again, Glenjo.

Originally Posted by Glenjo99 View Post
...
I'm praying now he might leave the town I live in and return to England.
...
I'm praying that you never open the door for him again--that you never allow him to hurt you again. But sometimes we have to touch the stove one last time to really understand that it will burn us.

Originally Posted by Glenjo99 View Post
Whatever happens I'm my no 1 priority now.
I hope so. I'm very relieved to know that you are OK!
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Old 04-07-2019, 04:21 PM
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It sounds like from your end you have become “conscious”, and hopefully have reached a point of no return, but it doesn’t mean this guy has, or that he won’t come back. I’m not sure what the laws are in your country, if you are able to obtain his arrest records or not to see what his history is. But even so, some things do go unreported, so who knows if you’d be able to get a full history. But the fact that he resorted to physical violence is a huge indication that he’s probably done it before, and would do it again.

I think I told you before about an old boyfriend who had some similarities to yours? The straw that broke the camel’s back for me was also when he put his hands on me. I had one of those stoves that was up higher/ built into the wall, and during some argument, he shoved me into it. After all of the other crap, something about that really shifted something in me, and that was something I knew I couldn’t ever recover from.

Not sure what the laws are there now, but at the time, in the state I was living in, they arrested both parties in domestic violence complaints, so I didn’t call the cops. I remember kicking him out shortly after, and it *really* pis*ed him off that I didn’t respond to his letters and roses that he was leaving me after that (this was before cell phones/ social media). But he was a vindictive SOB, and tried to break into my place when I was at work one time, I did call the cops on that one, but couldn’t prove it was him. I ended up moving to another state shortly after, and didn’t look back, but after he died I looked up his arrest records out of curiosity, and saw he had a whole page of them after we broke up.

I’m guessing your situation would fall under assault since he’s not living with you (in the state I live in now what happened to you would, not sure what the laws are in your country), but it might not be a bad idea to look into that, and see if you can get the law on your side/ a record of this, because you just never know. Stay safe ❤️.
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Old 04-08-2019, 02:20 AM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
please do not continue to think you know what is going on his head, or to diagnose him. you cannot predict his thinking. you say you want the abuse to stop - we do that by reporting the abuse to the authorities, taking out a restraining order and adhering to it.

hoping he will leave town is not a plan.
hoping he will never show up again is not a plan.
as the saying goes - silence implies consent. by not taking action, he gets away with bad behavior. you are not the only person he has treated in such a way. nor would your reporting the abuse keep others safe.

but it helps keeps YOU safe. on your own, you are no match for this guy. he will be back. guaran-f'ing-tee it. all the alanon skills in the world will not stop a punch that is thrown at us.

No I have no clue what's going on on his head, not do I want to know. As far as I'm concerned this guy is dead to me (as harsh as that sounds).

I know I'm not the only person he has treated like this, his cousin who he had been staying with had thrown him out over an incident in January where police were called and a restraining order enforced. They continue to be in contact but nothing to do with me anymore.

Ok I'll take on board reporting it.
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Old 04-08-2019, 02:23 AM
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Originally Posted by pdm22 View Post
It sounds like from your end you have become “conscious”, and hopefully have reached a point of no return, but it doesn’t mean this guy has, or that he won’t come back. I’m not sure what the laws are in your country, if you are able to obtain his arrest records or not to see what his history is. But even so, some things do go unreported, so who knows if you’d be able to get a full history. But the fact that he resorted to physical violence is a huge indication that he’s probably done it before, and would do it again.

I think I told you before about an old boyfriend who had some similarities to yours? The straw that broke the camel’s back for me was also when he put his hands on me. I had one of those stoves that was up higher/ built into the wall, and during some argument, he shoved me into it. After all of the other crap, something about that really shifted something in me, and that was something I knew I couldn’t ever recover from.

Not sure what the laws are there now, but at the time, in the state I was living in, they arrested both parties in domestic violence complaints, so I didn’t call the cops. I remember kicking him out shortly after, and it *really* pis*ed him off that I didn’t respond to his letters and roses that he was leaving me after that (this was before cell phones/ social media). But he was a vindictive SOB, and tried to break into my place when I was at work one time, I did call the cops on that one, but couldn’t prove it was him. I ended up moving to another state shortly after, and didn’t look back, but after he died I looked up his arrest records out of curiosity, and saw he had a whole page of them after we broke up.

I’m guessing your situation would fall under assault since he’s not living with you (in the state I live in now what happened to you would, not sure what the laws are in your country), but it might not be a bad idea to look into that, and see if you can get the law on your side/ a record of this, because you just never know. Stay safe ❤️.
Making a report makes sense once he wouldn't be contacted as I don't want to feed into his drama.

I totally relate to the something shifting in you with the physical stuff. He feels dead to me now. I'll never allow anyone to do that to me again. I have a feeling as you found out with your ex, that I have no idea or even scratched the surface of this guy's history!
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