"What makes you happy? How did you spend time before you met her? I have been made to feel very small and selfish for working (how dare I!!!)"
I think what I'm noticing now is I've been very accepting of how she likes to spend her time and that hasn't been reciprocated at all. I too know the feeling of being made to feel selfish for doing anything even work related as well. I really like to be creative but I also really enjoy and require some quiet alone time. Just to recover from all the usual stresses we all experience.
I have completely lost both of those things. I know at any moment I'm going to receive a slew of texts requiring my attention about something. And if I don't answer, she will call. I've expressed this feeling and she keeps saying something along the lines of, "maybe this is your new normal and you have to adjust to this new gear in your life." Then she goes on about how she's super tired and still spends as much time with me as possible. But that's what works for her, not me.
Which brings me to FeelingGreat's response about attachment styles. I think this sort of nails the problem on the head. We have completely incompatible attachment styles. She wants to share every passing thought and moment with me. I feel suffocated the same way you described. There is no mutual independence whatsoever. I obviously want to share a lot with my partner but not EVERYTHING. I have fallen victim to being responsible for all of her stuff. She handles little to nothing on her own. And if she does, she's huffing and puffing and stomping around like a 10 year old. She snaps at me constantly, getting mad over any small thing. She is the antitheses of laid back.
Being intimate has gotten strange. She keeps saying I need to be more romantic and physical but this lifestyle has completely drained my ability to do so. I read something last night where someone mentioned that sex almost starts to feel incestuous with a codependent A. You're essentially creating more of a parent-child relationship with the person. That was quite a revelation for me because I couldn't quite put my finger on way I've been feeling so uncomfortable about being physical.
I'll work on setting some hard boundaries but I've already been there/done that. I think sometimes we set these boundaries knowing that they can't achieve them giving us an "out" in the relationship. Instead of just having the guts to pull the plug... I personally feel guilt about how she'll look to her friends, family when they're all basically expecting us to get married at this point. Ugh...