Losing myself to alcoholic girlfriend

Old 04-06-2019, 10:42 PM
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Losing myself to alcoholic girlfriend

I am about a year into dating my alcoholic girlfriend. Her drinking has lessened but she still can't help but get extremely drunk when the opportunity is there - birthday's, traveling, etc. In fact, she just went to Mexico for a friend's birthday. She's only been there a few hours and already called me very drunk, slurry, dramatic... Not surprising given the destination but she was clearly off to the races.

But the thing I have found to be much more disturbing than her excess drinking, is the way my life has essentially disappeared into this black hole surrounding her. I had tons of friends - I hardly speak to anyone any more. I used to write a lot of music and pursued many creative endeavors - I have hardly anything to show for the last year. She has consumed just about every living minute of my daily life.

In a lot of ways, she's a really great person and has been very compassionate about other issues I have. But this sort of "take over" of my life is scary. I can't look at my cell phone without her having to peer over and involve herself in who I'm talking to. Her poor self esteem is also getting painful to listen to. She is constantly complaining about how she looks and if I see the problems she's seeing. It puts me in an incredibly awkward situation because I'm constantly having to tell her she doesn't look bad.

To sort of jump back to this trip she's on... I am now noticing how much "space" there is when she's not here. Even when she's not at my place, she just inundates me with anything and everything. Any time I have something to do, I know we have to do something immediately after and I always feel that I'm on the clock. She gets very hurt by any free time not spent together. As a creative person, free time is when you get to create.

Has any one else experienced anything like this? It's almost like a hypnosis. It's an extreme co-dependency unlike anything I've ever personally dealt with. And yes, I do understand that I am part of the equation. I guess I feel like I try to hold on to her positive attributes and give her chances to improve.
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Old 04-06-2019, 11:00 PM
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Hi and welcome.

I can understand your questioning and it's not a bad idea to do that since you are starting to feel uncomfortable in this relationship.

We had a discussion about attachment styles in a thread here not long ago and it seems that maybe that is an issue here for you two.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ent-style.html (Coping With an Insecure Attachment Style)

There is a book that is often recommended here, Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie, you might want to have a look for that, you might find it very helpful.

I'm assuming when you say "my life has essentially disappeared into this black hole surrounding her" that the alcoholism has a lot to do with this. That's pretty much the norm in an alcoholic relationship unless you can separate yourself from it and the damage it causes and the drama as well.

This seems unlikely since you aren't even "allowed" to look at your phone on your own.

I guess I feel like I try to hold on to her positive attributes and give her chances to improve
What is her take on this? Have you discussed it with her at all?

The "chances to improve" - that's dangerous territory. She is who she is, why would she need to improve or change? Part of being with someone and loving them is accepting them just the way they are really. If you two have talked about these issues and she's said they are things she is going to work on (action, not words btw) that's one thing, if you are just "hoping" she will have some kind of personality change, that's something quite different.

Alcoholism is progressive. What she is and who she is now may be far from where she will be in a year or two. Gaining knowledge about alcoholism is imperative, you've landed in the right place!

You might find these thread helpful too:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
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Old 04-06-2019, 11:20 PM
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I really appreciate the insight. I'll certainly have a look at that book. I obviously have some issues that need sorting out to be putting up with this.

I have discussed the drinking with her many times. She has been more open about it lately and said that she's working on it. The amount of drinking has certainly come down, but the co-dependency has ratcheted up significantly. But like I said before, if given the opportunity, she will drink as much as she possibly can. When she's in that kind of state, she will drink until she passes out.

I know at this point that this will always be a problem with her. Her brother came to visit and his behavior is almost identical. There seems to be something genetic going on. Her mom is one of the most negative and whiny people you've ever met. I can see the toll it takes on her dad. He's basically given up on life. I know I'm heading for the same place if something doesn't change.

I guess I am too easily fooled by the improvements while the bigger picture remains very dark.
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Old 04-06-2019, 11:42 PM
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Try not to be too hard on yourself.

You're not an alcoholic and I don't know how much you know about it but we don't know what we don't know, but you will. It's not common knowledge.

Alcoholism is not something that someone can just "cut down" from, that's something that probably 99 percent of alcoholics would like to do but find they can't. You will learn more about this as you read around the forum.

Again, actions, not words. Right now she is working on her drinking issues in a bar in Mexico. Sorry if that sounds harsh but it's perhaps best to look at the reality of what is happening rather than hoping it will all magically work out somehow.

Hang in there, you will get this sorted out.

Aside from her issue, what would you like to see for yourself? Perhaps while she is away it's a good time to look at what you want for your life.
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Old 04-06-2019, 11:51 PM
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Originally Posted by jjwinters View Post
Has any one else experienced anything like this?
Yep. The other person's drinking does seem to take over everything else.

If one is stressed/overwhelmed/unhappy when someone is around and at peace when they aren't, it really gives one pause, doesn't it?
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Old 04-07-2019, 04:51 AM
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What makes you happy? How did you spend time before you met her? I have been made to feel very small and selfish for working (how dare I!!!) And studying. But i love both. And that is who i am. Its taken me a while to truly believe i can still be me. Be proud of who you are and your creative pursuits and try to get that person (the real you) back. Be supportive of your GF but set really clear boundaries. No drunken phone calls, no drunken fights or arguments, no waking you up drunk or whatever boundaries you need to set.
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Old 04-07-2019, 04:52 AM
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Originally Posted by jjwinters View Post
... I try to hold on to her positive attributes and give her chances to improve.
All of us love an alcoholic who is a beautiful person underneath the alcoholism and codependent thinking. You're likely to see less and less of those positive attributes unless she (and you) opt for a recovery program - not simply sobriety. Alcohol consumption is but one symptom in a web of painful relationships, as you experience with her family and within yourself. The only part that you have control over is exploring why you are so drawn to this person and situation - and questioning whether it's good for you to continue your involvement with this family - because you are indeed involved with this family. What about them feels familiar (family-like) to you?

There's no fruit in trying to "be there for her" or in "giving her a chance" unless she is choosing active, committed recovery right now. That's my experience with dating an active alcoholic for three years. The fruitful aspect for me has been the opportunity for massive growth and insight about myself during my own recovery program in AlAnon. Emotional involvement with an active alcoholic is a wonderful chance to learn how to truly love and let people be who they choose to be - and also to learn that we cannot save anyone or "be there" for anyone, really. We can only love people, exactly as they are choosing to be - today.
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Old 04-07-2019, 05:03 AM
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I've noticed that people have different attachment styles. I'm close to my children but there's no way I talk to them every day...it would drive all of us crazy. But I know of other families who talk to each other several times a day.
I would feel suffocated by the scenario you describe and, to be honest, I don't think either of you are going to feel comfortable with the other's style, no matter how hard you work on it.
Alcoholism just adds to the problem. If you learn anything here, understand that words count for nothing if there are no actions. My suggestion is to ignore what she says and only concentrate on what she does.
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Old 04-07-2019, 09:38 AM
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"What makes you happy? How did you spend time before you met her? I have been made to feel very small and selfish for working (how dare I!!!)"

I think what I'm noticing now is I've been very accepting of how she likes to spend her time and that hasn't been reciprocated at all. I too know the feeling of being made to feel selfish for doing anything even work related as well. I really like to be creative but I also really enjoy and require some quiet alone time. Just to recover from all the usual stresses we all experience.

I have completely lost both of those things. I know at any moment I'm going to receive a slew of texts requiring my attention about something. And if I don't answer, she will call. I've expressed this feeling and she keeps saying something along the lines of, "maybe this is your new normal and you have to adjust to this new gear in your life." Then she goes on about how she's super tired and still spends as much time with me as possible. But that's what works for her, not me.

Which brings me to FeelingGreat's response about attachment styles. I think this sort of nails the problem on the head. We have completely incompatible attachment styles. She wants to share every passing thought and moment with me. I feel suffocated the same way you described. There is no mutual independence whatsoever. I obviously want to share a lot with my partner but not EVERYTHING. I have fallen victim to being responsible for all of her stuff. She handles little to nothing on her own. And if she does, she's huffing and puffing and stomping around like a 10 year old. She snaps at me constantly, getting mad over any small thing. She is the antitheses of laid back.

Being intimate has gotten strange. She keeps saying I need to be more romantic and physical but this lifestyle has completely drained my ability to do so. I read something last night where someone mentioned that sex almost starts to feel incestuous with a codependent A. You're essentially creating more of a parent-child relationship with the person. That was quite a revelation for me because I couldn't quite put my finger on way I've been feeling so uncomfortable about being physical.

I'll work on setting some hard boundaries but I've already been there/done that. I think sometimes we set these boundaries knowing that they can't achieve them giving us an "out" in the relationship. Instead of just having the guts to pull the plug... I personally feel guilt about how she'll look to her friends, family when they're all basically expecting us to get married at this point. Ugh...
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Old 04-07-2019, 09:50 AM
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Letting go of how anyone else will view this, if you do decide to part ways, is rather important, because it does not matter, not one bit, not for a second. Worrying about it at all is a complete waste of your time.

That guilt is misplaced. They are not living your life for you (or hers for that matter). What makes you think this anyway? Is it something that might have come up in conversation with her?

I'm just going to be blunt here (not meant to be harsh) but it sounds like you would just like to go your separate way from her.

You have only been dating a year. That is a good amount of time to get to know someone quite well and you have. You know this is not a romantic relationship that you want, you are not happy nor are you comfortable in this role you have been given.

Her brushing off your concerns is one of many red flags here. Basically you are saying, hey this part of our relationship isn't working so well for me and the response is, basically, get used to it?

It's not pleasant, it's not easy but it is probably the best thing for you to do. You can muck around with boundaries and trying to change the dynamic but that's kind of a waste of time. It is what it is.

Put aside what anyone else will think and perhaps think about looking out for yourself. If you don't, who do you think will?
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Old 04-07-2019, 10:04 AM
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Originally Posted by jjwinters View Post
But the thing I have found to be much more disturbing than her excess drinking, is the way my life has essentially disappeared into this black hole surrounding her. ....

this sort of "take over" of my life is scary......

It puts me in an incredibly awkward situation because I'm constantly having to tell her....

She gets very hurt by any free time not spent together .....

I know I'm heading for the same place if something doesn't change....

I guess I am too easily fooled by the improvements while the bigger picture remains very dark....
Something I noticed in your post was an odd use of the passive tense. As if this is all something that is happening TO YOU, from outside.

You write: "this sort of 'take over' of my life is scary." That's only half the story though. The other half is that you are LETTING it be taken over. You are not maintaining a healthy boundary.

You write: "she gets very hurt by any free time not spent together ....." but another way of looking at it is "I always choose to coddle her emotions when she says that she is feeling hurt."

You write; " I know I'm heading for the same place if something doesn't change...." Well, you see the eventual destination for yourself if "something doesn't change," so where does that leave you? Waiting passively for "something to change"?

Each use of passive tense above indicates a place where you are abdicating responsibility to yourself, and that is a form of avoidance. Like Feelinggreat, when I read your post I thought about attachment styles. From what you describe, your girlfriend appears to have an anxious preoccupied attachment style. And you would do well to read about avoidant dismissive attachment styles for yourself. If you were coming from a secure attachment, you would have left this relationship a while ago. And frankly, if you were secure, she would not have had much interest in you.

The sad sad thing about insecure attachment is that two people suffering from this (and about half the population has an insecure attachment style so it is a very common thing) are not really in a position to help each other. Rather they end up triggering the insecurity in each other so the relationship starts to follow a common and dysfunctional script, that causes a tremendous amount of pain.

You can't do much to help her with her issues, but you can help yourself. Reading about attachment theory is as good as any place to start.
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Old 04-07-2019, 10:24 AM
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Needabreak - I 100% agree. I know I'm writing in that style but I am very aware that I'm equally responsible for letting this relationship get to this place. I have made honest efforts to course correct the relationship, but that can only take you so far with someone that different than you are. I did not stand as firm as I should have with some of the boundaries I set. I'm the one who gave up all of my free time and drove over to her place after working 12 hours straight. I didn't say, "No. This is crazy. I'm tired and there's no use going over to your place just to prove I care about you."

Trailmix, I know I have misplaced guilt. Maybe that's just a cop out I'm creating for myself. We have broken up briefly before and she described how embarrassing it was to be around her friends and family. More so, when we got back together. She thought it made her look weak. I personally think most people are mature enough to know that these things happen and don't judge too harshly for it.

I agree, she does have a "get used to it" attitude towards my problems that's troubling. The worst part about these relationships is there are almost always other ways that we truly get along with these people. We have the same sense of humor and can talk in ways that I've never been able to in previous relationships. When things aren't bad, we are highly compatible. Yes, I know that means we aren't actually compatible. It's just that huge positive you know that you have to part ways with because of the inevitable bad stuff, that's extremely difficult.
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Old 04-07-2019, 10:46 AM
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Originally Posted by jjwinters View Post
Needabreak - I am very aware that I'm equally responsible for letting this relationship get to this place.
No, I didn't write nor did I imply that you are equally responsible for letting this relationship get to this place. The gist of my post was that you are subordinating your needs and goals in a dysfunctional relationship to make your girlfriend happy, and she honestly doesn't give a fig about your needs or your happiness.
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Old 04-07-2019, 11:24 AM
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Hi, jjwinter.
It sounds like maintaining this relationship is requiring a lot of time and work, and it also sounds like you are running out of gas on it.
How about something as old school as a list?
What are the qualities that first attracted you? Do they still? Are they still there?
What are the qualities that you find trying? Have these qualities gotten more prevalent as time has passed?
This probably doesn’t lead you to the “Time to break up right now” sign, but it may provide clarity and a way forward.
If nothing else, it may help you define and keep boundaries, like my phone is my phone. Hands off. Or I ‘ m too tired to come see you tonight. Let’s get together tomorrow.
It may be too late for that. TBH, I think it likely is.
But...the only one who can put the brakes on toward someone who clearly has no boundaries of her own is you.
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Old 04-07-2019, 12:00 PM
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Originally Posted by Needabreak View Post
No, I didn't write nor did I imply that you are equally responsible for letting this relationship get to this place. The gist of my post was that you are subordinating your needs and goals in a dysfunctional relationship to make your girlfriend happy, and she honestly doesn't give a fig about your needs or your happiness.
That makes sense. I did feel though that my post lacked a level of accountability.

Maudcat, I think a list is a great idea. I know that I thought she was someone and turned out to be someone entirely different. I actually think I look different due to the level of stress this has caused me.

With regards to setting boundaries, I've done pretty much what you've said. The problem is, when I have refused to come over, she accepts it but she's not ok with it. It doesn't really work if they don't actually respect the boundary. It triggers all kinds of insecurity in her that surfaces sooner than later.

She was barely gone for a day and was just rambling about how she missed me and was disappointed that I wasn't as expressive about missing her. I mean, we're talking maybe 7 hours apart from each other. How am I supposed to explain that I'm not capable of even feeling that emotion in that amount of time? She just texted me again now "I miss you. I've been talking about you a lot " I don't know how you all view this, but it feels controlling and insecure to me. Again, this is less than a day into this trip. I am at a loss of even how to respond to this.
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Old 04-07-2019, 12:12 PM
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Totally understand what you mean. If a person were all bad it would be much easier (or at least in some cases). If you never found anything she said or did funny, if she didn't show some compassion and understanding sometimes, how much easier it would be to walk away.

The fact that she was embarrassed by resuming your relationship after breaking up for a while is another huge red flag. Looking outside yourself for confirmation that you are "ok" is never a good thing. Of course we all do this from time to time, that's human nature, but this is different.

You know. As you said everyone is "expecting" you to get married I'm thinking she does too?

The longer you drag this out, the crueler it is. I think you have already made up your mind, apologies if I'm wrong about that.

If you have, the kindest thing you can do is end it, with compassion, as soon as possible.
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Old 04-07-2019, 12:15 PM
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Originally Posted by jjwinters View Post
It doesn't really work if they don't actually respect the boundary. It triggers all kinds of insecurity in her ....
Boundaries are for us, not for our partners, to respect.

Nobody's insecurities and triggers can walk all over someone with healthy boundaries and healthy thinking. This relationship might feel like its happening to you because of her strong insistence on having her way, but you're co-creating it. We can't lose ourselves in a relationship unless we give our integrity away - nobody can take it.
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Old 04-07-2019, 12:24 PM
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Originally Posted by jjwinters View Post
Again, this is less than a day into this trip. I am at a loss of even how to respond to this.
She is expecting a certain response and you are not hopping to it. How about just being YOURSELF.

How would you reply if there were no constraints, if you were just being yourself (keeping in mind the adage: say what you mean, just don't say it mean).

Would you reply as you stated here: "I'm not capable of even feeling that emotion in that amount of time"? Or might you just ignore it altogether.

As Angelina mentioned, boundaries are ours. A boundary might be, if she asks for constant reassurance I won't provide it. Now that puts the onus on your reaction, not on anything she does or doesn't do. You have made your boundary, there is nothing for her to respect or not. That is the beauty of a boundary, it is in your control, it's about your values, not about anyone else. The only person we control is ourselves.
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Old 04-07-2019, 12:40 PM
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The things with boundaries, is if they are good and strong in the beginning, as you get to know person in various situations, and see that they are trustworthy, you can loosen up a little.

However, in those situations where you are going into it not having good boaundaries (which happens to many people, not having proper boundaries modeled, or not respected, in childhood), and then you learn about boundaries part way through a relationship that isn’t going well, and try to pull back when the situation has already gotten messy, the other person is going to react to that. That’s pretty “normal”.

It can be pretty challenging figuring it all out, not sure if perhaps your gf is a “no boundaries” person, but I’d kind of expect a huge push back from her. Things can get hairy when you start implementing changes. And sometimes things do just end up naturally coming to an end when you realize deep in your gut there are certain things you can’t accept/ go back to. Good luck figuring it all out.
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Old 04-07-2019, 01:10 PM
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But the thing I have found to be much more disturbing than her excess drinking, is the way my life has essentially disappeared into this black hole surrounding her. I had tons of friends - I hardly speak to anyone any more. I used to write a lot of music and pursued many creative endeavors - I have hardly anything to show for the last year. She has consumed just about every living minute of my daily life.
Perhaps this isn't the person for you? When something drags your life down, doesn't enrich you, it's time to make a change because there's nothing anyone can say or do to stop an alcoholic from drinking. My heart goes out to you.
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