i had a problem with considering myself an alcoholic when i was drinking because of shame.
after i started living in the solution i became ok with considering myself an alcoholic because i was living in the solution-there was no more shame.
early on in recovery i didnt have a problem with not drinking because of the misery. once the mental fog wore off was when the rubber hit the road- the mental obsession came on strong.
in other words- get into action NOW with
- Try to contact AA( might want to do more than TRY and just do it. then get to a meeting. find the big book online and read it to find out what the program of AA is about,too.)
- Look at if rehab is possible(youre already talking yourself out of that)
also look into IOP.
you wont be able to fix your thinking with your thinking and theres nothing wrong with getting outside help.