Obladi

This is a bit of a brain-twister. I'm tired of thinking about some things and trying to escape that most assuredly contributed to my drinking. Those incessant noisy memories of things I can't fix now: "I shoulda done this. I can't believe he did that. If only I'd trusted myself. I never had a fighting chance because of xyz. Blah blah blah blah blah." Stuff we've touched on in therapy but never really resolved because I was too busy getting pickled. This is the stuff I need to learn to really accept in some way or another to become a healthy grown person.

Other types of thinking and meandering thoughts are quite pleasant. I've been able to experience that again in the last weeks. I most especially enjoy the moments when I have a thought and immediately say to myself "hold it, back it up a minute" and then have a good internal chuckle at how ridiculous my thinking can be.

Yeah, Phoenix, I echo that. Although I do tend to intellectualize things, I've come to dislike that activity for its own sake. I have a colleague who is forever coming up with implausible explanations for any question posed to him. He's a lovely man, but when he starts down that road, I just want to close my ears and walk away. Maybe its one of those things where I recognize something I don't like about myself - could be.

There's a bar with outside seating downstairs from where I work. It was a lovely afternoon and I noticed two young women having a drink and a very friendly chat. I thought, "That looks really nice. But that's not ever happening again for me." It wasn't a sad thing at all, but I did notice the clear duality of those two thoughts. Thinking about it now ( ), I realize that what looked really nice was the very friendly chat. It's been many years since I've experienced that and even more since I've done it without alcohol involved. *sigh* I'll get there.