Darkling, absolutely do whatever will help you the most. I absolutely hate to lose you and absolutely want to encourage you to go if that is best for you. Watching you struggle with the anxiety and slipping has been like watching the most bad ass athlete going to the very zenith of their performance abilities.
I truly am beyond impressed with you and what you are doing in your life. It has been an honor to be in this group with you. I wish I could reach through this screen grab you by the collar and yell in your face about how amazing you are . . . .. yeah . . . .I have bad boundaries on occasions and my impulses are not always the best.
Most humans seem to love to ignore their demons and blame and complain. I get this and join in plenty of times in this behavior. You, on the other hand, have gone to the mat with some horrific demons. We are all trying to do some version of this but you in particular are really fighting the good fight . . . .I know we all have some rough times ahead. I hope I hit mine with a fraction of the courage and persistence that you have shown.