Benevolus…..It sounds, to me, similar to what is referred to "magical thinking" by young children (normal for their stage of development)….
They will, often feel that if they just think of something...it will happen....
Like, if they are angry with a parent, and the parent gets hurt, or goes away, for some reason...they think that their "thinking" caused it...and feel very guilty.....
Even as adults, it is not uncommon to have thoughts, similar to yours...it is considered, simply, a wish to be relieved of an overwhelming situation...nothing more than a wish to "escape".....wish for relief from an intolerable situation is not a reflection of your character and does not make you a bad person...just a human person....
I hope you don't continue to torture yourself with his kind of overly zelous self-judgement....stop condemning yourself.