A weird thing happened to me..

Old 03-28-2019, 08:22 PM
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A weird thing happened to me..

I've been following the site for years, maybe even signed up before and forgot my name so I made this one recently. You guys have kept me sane without even knowing it at times <3 and i love you for it. I want to talk about something that happened recently, though.. Something that's left me feeling... strange. I don't know I just need to talk about it with someone.


Here goes: My friend ever since first grade (Im almost 25 now) had to move away to a different state 1000 or more miles away while we were in highschool. Things started going down hill for her at that point, she would party and drink and drive and just do all kinds of stupid things. She also always picks the worst guys to "fall in love" with. Well this last one was the worst of the worst- she met him when she was like 18 and he was in his 40s. They hung out a lot partying and he even wrecked her car in a DUI situation and she was nearly killed.

But she went on to move in with him and think of herself as his wife. So he and she would be drinking a gallon of cheap vodka a day and then getting into domestic violence level fights all the time. He also introduced her to some kinda meth type drug- he was a narcoleptic and was prescribed some drug that is similar by the VA and they would grind it up and swallow it or something idk. Anyway. So she developed a poly-drug addiction and alcoholism from this lifestyle. She would call me when they fought crying and walking around after being kicked out of the house and I would beg her to just go home with her parents. This went on for probably 2-3 years. It would hurt me so badly to hear her in such distress and to know the things he said and did to her- I blamed him for ruining her life (whether merited or not). And a few times I remember, sinfully asking God to just let him die. Because I knew that was the only way she would leave him.

So.. recently.. He died of liver failure. And thats not really it.. the strangest thing is... He died on my birthday. I just don't know what to think about this... It's been bothering me, not because I even care that he died. I hated him and I don't feel bad at all about that. I just feel... weird about it. IDK what to think. I guess coincidences mathematically HAVE to happen sometimes... but... really?
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Old 03-28-2019, 10:10 PM
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Benevolous….I feel totally secure in saying to you that there is absolutely no connection. He could have died on any given day and it would be the birthday of millions and millions of people.....
I don't think that things happen for a "reason"....I think they happen by cause....and the cause of his particular dying was liver disease...not you.....
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Old 03-29-2019, 09:48 AM
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One the one hand, there is probably no connection. But human beings have a tendency to link things that are not causally related. (in science, it is the idea that correlation does not infer causation)

That said, Carl Jung (famous psychiatrist) had a theory about what he called synchronicity. Roughly translated it is a "meaningful coincidence". Not that one thing caused another, but that two things happened that are unusual, related and meaningful.

An example of that might be that someone has a dream about a type of butterfly that is not common in their area and it is somehow linked to their thoughts about a situation, and then a real butterfly of that species flies into their house. The dream didn't cause the butterfly to fly into their house, but it highlights something meaningful from the dream.

You would have to examine that scenario for yourself to glean what meaning there might be for you, but if it were my situation, I'd be thinking what an interesting birthday present.

If there is meaning here, I hope you find it.
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Old 03-29-2019, 11:11 AM
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I would probably feel weird about it too - but I agree with Dandylion.

I hope your friend gets into recovery for herself. Sad. Alcohol and drugs are horrible.
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Old 03-29-2019, 01:20 PM
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Thanks guys for talking to me about it. It is likely a coincidence. However the idea that any day would be millions of people's birthday- those people didnt wish he would die. I did. I guess part of me feels kinda 'sinful' in my own thinking regarding the situation but at the same time I can't feel bad that he's gone. She has gotten a bit better- admitted to poly drug abuse, submitted herself to her higher power and went into treatment. She seems to be doing very well and being very honest about her thoughts, feelings, cravings, habits etc.

I think I just feel kinda slightly guilty that I wished for such a thing, and that it happened and that I see it as the best thing that could have happened for her. Though she still mourns and proclaims her love for him while admitting they were toxic and he was not a good person. Kinda like 1. it was a bad way to think, and 2. I am betraying her with this secret or something. IDK. I feel glad things worked out the way they did but kinda feel like a bad person for it.
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Old 03-30-2019, 06:11 AM
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We simply don't have the power over life and death, if we did none of our loved ones would ever die.

He lived a lifestyle conducive to early death, and he died.

Absolutely not your fault.

I pray that your friend takes this lesson and finds a good rehab, or good meetings, or good professional help that can assist her in finding a better path.

Hugs
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Old 03-30-2019, 07:51 AM
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Sorry, replied to wrong post.
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Old 03-30-2019, 10:50 AM
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Originally Posted by Benevolus View Post
Thanks guys for talking to me about it. It is likely a coincidence. However the idea that any day would be millions of people's birthday- those people didnt wish he would die. I did. I guess part of me feels kinda 'sinful' in my own thinking regarding the situation but at the same time I can't feel bad that he's gone. She has gotten a bit better- admitted to poly drug abuse, submitted herself to her higher power and went into treatment. She seems to be doing very well and being very honest about her thoughts, feelings, cravings, habits etc.

I think I just feel kinda slightly guilty that I wished for such a thing, and that it happened and that I see it as the best thing that could have happened for her.
I can understand the guilt, it's not a very nice thought to have about anyone is it, so I think your feelings are normal.

The fact that he died on your birthday is a coincidence.

Maybe the thought you had is something worth exploring. It's kind of a control issue isn't it? What if instead you wished he would get out of her life and leave her to heal. Wishing the best for both of them, then just left it at that.

That's just saying, I wish you well and letting go of some idea of control (that you don't have and never had).

As for it being a "secret", sounds like you would probably like to tell her to unload that guilt, not a good idea in my opinion. Might help you for a minute but might also destroy your relationship (in fact probably would if you told her now). Not that I am saying keeping secrets is a grand thing, but there is nothing to tell, you had a negative, unhelpful thought, that doesn't define you. Having a look at it and thinking about how you can better that kind of thinking, going forward, is work on yourself, nothing to do with your friend.

Anyway, just some thoughts. I hope you are feeling a bit better about it all.
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Old 04-01-2019, 11:49 AM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
I can understand the guilt, it's not a very nice thought to have about anyone is it, so I think your feelings are normal.

The fact that he died on your birthday is a coincidence.

Maybe the thought you had is something worth exploring. It's kind of a control issue isn't it? What if instead you wished he would get out of her life and leave her to heal. Wishing the best for both of them, then just left it at that.

That's just saying, I wish you well and letting go of some idea of control (that you don't have and never had).

As for it being a "secret", sounds like you would probably like to tell her to unload that guilt, not a good idea in my opinion. Might help you for a minute but might also destroy your relationship (in fact probably would if you told her now). Not that I am saying keeping secrets is a grand thing, but there is nothing to tell, you had a negative, unhelpful thought, that doesn't define you. Having a look at it and thinking about how you can better that kind of thinking, going forward, is work on yourself, nothing to do with your friend.

Anyway, just some thoughts. I hope you are feeling a bit better about it all.
Your words really spoke to me there. I think you're onto something with this. All of it. <3 thanks guys.
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Old 04-01-2019, 01:27 PM
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And a few times I remember, sinfully asking God to just let him die.
I guess if you believe in a punishing God and that God answered your prayers for him to die and gave you that gift on your birthday then that is what you sadly believe. I personally don’t believe in a punishing God and I think it’s simply a strange coincidences that given his life style he happened to pass away on your birthday.

I agree, you don’t need to rid your guilt by telling your friend. Simply try and forgive yourself for having those complex mixed emotional thoughts during a stressful time seeing your friend hurting and not really knowing how to help or what to do.
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Old 04-01-2019, 04:39 PM
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Benevolus…..It sounds, to me, similar to what is referred to "magical thinking" by young children (normal for their stage of development)….
They will, often feel that if they just think of something...it will happen....
Like, if they are angry with a parent, and the parent gets hurt, or goes away, for some reason...they think that their "thinking" caused it...and feel very guilty.....

Even as adults, it is not uncommon to have thoughts, similar to yours...it is considered, simply, a wish to be relieved of an overwhelming situation...nothing more than a wish to "escape".....wish for relief from an intolerable situation is not a reflection of your character and does not make you a bad person...just a human person....

I hope you don't continue to torture yourself with his kind of overly zelous self-judgement....stop condemning yourself.
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Old 04-05-2019, 12:16 PM
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Thanks guys. It really means a lot that you talked to me about this. I knew I could look to this group for some honest, insightful thoughts on the situation. I appreciate each and every one of you.
<3 hugs
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