Originally Posted by trailmix

I can understand the guilt, it's not a very nice thought to have about anyone is it, so I think your feelings are normal.

The fact that he died on your birthday is a coincidence.

Maybe the thought you had is something worth exploring. It's kind of a control issue isn't it? What if instead you wished he would get out of her life and leave her to heal. Wishing the best for both of them, then just left it at that.

That's just saying, I wish you well and letting go of some idea of control (that you don't have and never had).

As for it being a "secret", sounds like you would probably like to tell her to unload that guilt, not a good idea in my opinion. Might help you for a minute but might also destroy your relationship (in fact probably would if you told her now). Not that I am saying keeping secrets is a grand thing, but there is nothing to tell, you had a negative, unhelpful thought, that doesn't define you. Having a look at it and thinking about how you can better that kind of thinking, going forward, is work on yourself, nothing to do with your friend.

Anyway, just some thoughts. I hope you are feeling a bit better about it all.