Originally Posted by
Benevolus 
Thanks guys for talking to me about it. It is likely a coincidence. However the idea that any day would be millions of people's birthday- those people didnt wish he would die. I did. I guess part of me feels kinda 'sinful' in my own thinking regarding the situation but at the same time I can't feel bad that he's gone. She has gotten a bit better- admitted to poly drug abuse, submitted herself to her higher power and went into treatment. She seems to be doing very well and being very honest about her thoughts, feelings, cravings, habits etc.
I think I just feel kinda slightly guilty that I wished for such a thing, and that it happened and that I see it as the best thing that could have happened for her.
I can understand the guilt, it's not a very nice thought to have about anyone is it, so I think your feelings are normal.
The fact that he died on your birthday is a coincidence.
Maybe the thought you had is something worth exploring. It's kind of a control issue isn't it? What if instead you wished he would get out of her life and leave her to heal. Wishing the best for both of them, then just left it at that.
That's just saying, I wish you well and letting go of some idea of control (that you don't have and never had).
As for it being a "secret", sounds like you would probably like to tell her to unload that guilt, not a good idea in my opinion. Might help you for a minute but might also destroy your relationship (in fact probably would if you told her now). Not that I am saying keeping secrets is a grand thing, but there is nothing to tell, you had a negative, unhelpful thought, that doesn't define you. Having a look at it and thinking about how you can better that kind of thinking, going forward, is work on yourself, nothing to do with your friend.
Anyway, just some thoughts. I hope you are feeling a bit better about it all.