You're still alive and still here, so you have a chance. I'm wondering if you're like I was--looking for the magic solution that would lift the obsession to drink without any effort on my part? It's one thing to hear what we're supposed to do, it's another thing to do it.
The first time I did Step One with a sponsor, I drank before meeting with her because I actually thought that doing Step One would lift the obsession to drink. Spoiler alert: it didn't, and I continued drinking for a couple of years after that. I went to meetings, did outpatient rehab, wasn't able to hold down jobs, was in debt, etc. Wanted to end it all. It got dark inside of me, so while our circumstances are different, I can empathize.
All I can say is that you have to be willing to do whatever it takes to stay sober. It's more of an internal change than anything else. Give up. Surrender. You can't drink and therefore you have to be willing to do anything to move forward.
There are different methods of getting comfortable with sobriety, but the underlying piece is that you can't drink no matter what. That's the first place to start. You do have it in your power, even if your addiction tells you otherwise.
Glad you're here. Sending good thoughts your way.