Iris....I typed my post before I just read your last post....
I am hearing that you feel frantic, to get some relief.....and, I do realize that the nights are probably worse than the daytimes....Everything that you say is very typical of what others with post partum depression say....this is a real thing, and it is not your fault....
He are my suggestions, in light of your last post....
1. You can go the emergency room (with the baby)...and, tell them the exact words, that you are telling us....they will get special help for you, right away....
2. Or---you can call your therapist, or Gyn or pediatrician....and ask for an EMERGENCY appointment....because you are "having severe post partum depression" and, that you are "afraid that the baby is going to die and you are thinking about running away"....(you need to say that)….
3. Or__you can walk to the church across the street, with the baby, and ask to talk to someone there...and, ask them to get you some help...they have people that they can call, for you.....
Again, Iris....people will help you and you ar e entitled to ask for it....