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Old 03-11-2019, 06:26 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Sad tonight.


Not doing so well. I love my son so much and just want him to be happy and healthy,but the past two weeks have been the most exhausting and trying times of my life. I cry everyday...I feel anxious. I donít even wanna be alone with him. At all. I feel like Iím failing as a parent. I just want him to be happy and I feel like somehow I donít succeed at that. I tell my family how Iím struggling and I feel like nothing is changing. I wanna run away some days. I wanna talk to my boyfriend but heís in prison.




Every conversation I have with him is timed and very limited. Itís overwhelming. I wanna scream. Iíve tried praying. Iíve tried thinking positive. Iíve tried talking to myself about how silly it is and that Iím doing an okay job at this. But nothing works. Iím lonely and I just wanted someone to share the responsibility of a newborn with. I cringe at the thought of doing this alone for 5 years. Thatís how long my boyfriend is going to be away. All because he chose drugs over everything else. He never even got to hold him or see him in person.







It hurts my heart so bad. No matter how I try to stay strong I find myself crying and second guessing my decisions in my life. Itís so hard for me and I feel pressure to be a certain way that I canít live up to. Sometimes I just wanna run away and never return. I donít feel normal and I hate that I have these thoughts. Makes me feel like a horrible person.







Crying alone has become a typical thing for me. Iím so tired of being sad.
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Old 03-11-2019, 09:41 PM   #2 (permalink)
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A checkup with a GP- depression is common in my family of origin after abirth.
Maybe look at joining a support group- for women, al-non, something at a local community centre- food, art, books, new mums, or a church group?

My prayers and support to you
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Old 03-11-2019, 10:11 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Iris.....I can imagine how it must feel...to feel so isolated and alone at such a pivotal time in your life.....

I suggest that it is appropriate that you go to the emergency room, if you feel that you are beyond coping...you can call 911 to take you, you can take the baby...and, they will make sure that the baby is well cared for....
They will listen to you, at the emergency room.....and they will take a lot of time to talk to you....
You have mentioned, yourself, about concern about post-partum depression. So, I think it is appropriate to talk to someone who can help you, about this....
Make sure to tell them the really important symptoms and feelings that you are having, and let them know what your current situation is really about....

I think it is important to remember to tell them the following things (that you have shared with us). (make a list if you have to remind yourself of these )Ö..
1. that...you have been crying constantly since baby is born...
2. that...you don't want to be alone with the baby
3. that...that you want to run away and never come back
4. that...you feel like you are failing as a parent
5. that...you just don't feel "normal"
6. that...you are hating your own thoughts and feel like you are a horrible person
7. that...you are completely alone, isolated and have zero help

I am a medical person, myself...and, while it is typical to have a few days of the "baby blues" for anyone...these are things that I feel go beyond that, and, need attention....They will listen to you, if you tell them about these feelings and things....
This is a way to get help...considering your current situation...

Remember, that you didn't hesitate to get help from the 911 for your boyfriend....I feel like you owe as much to yourself and your son....

Please don't second guess yourself on this....It is not right for you to have to suffer like this.....
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Old 03-11-2019, 11:41 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Hi Iris, I hope you will take dandylion's suggestion and call 911. She is a person with a lot of experience in this area and she is also kind and wise.

Please take care of yourself and your son and make that call, you so deserve to be given help, just ask.
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Old 03-12-2019, 03:04 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Hi iris. I sent you a private message last week as I can completely relate to what is going on with you right now.

I have two sons and my youngest son was born on my first sons birthday. I had left their dad 7 weeks before he was born as things were so bad and I was very unhappy. I'd moved back to my mum and dad's for 3 weeks then managed to get my flat.

Anyhow, when my youngest was born, I was very depressed and completely overwhelmed. My oldest son had been so easy to take care of but my youngest had colic and to this day, the cries of a newborn baby make me shiver. When I was in the hospital I knew I didn't want to take him home. I just felt it was all too much.

It was on the second day we were home that I phoned my mum and dad and told them, I didn't want my son. My dad phoned the hospital and spoke to a midwife I had gotten on well with and she advised him what to do. My GP came out and spoke to all of us. I was lucky in that my mum had retired and she came and sat with me every day, my dad coming in at lunch-time. My sister moved in with me so she was there at night. Night time just seemed the worst time with baby. However, it wasn't so they could take over his care - they'd help out of course to give me a break but I still had to be the main carer.

This maybe went on for three or four weeks but I knew I had to develop a routine and get used to being on my own. I joined a group that got me out the house, speaking with other mums and that really helped. As my son got older, his colic stopped and so things got easier. I also remember there was a volunteer organisation where someone came to the house to sit with baby if you needed a break. I didn't actually use this as my family were very good at giving me a break.

I know this is overwhelming and you are probably feeling like doing the things that are being suggested to you is a huge effort but please try to do something every day to get the help you're needing. Doing this and being productive will actually make you feel better - honestly.

Your little boy will grow so quickly and you'll soon be able to interact with him. It is hard, and when there is so much going on in your head, it sometimes seems, it's never going to get better but it does and it will - but please ask for help.

I have been a single parent for years - my son's will be 25 and 26 in may. Their father was never that involved and still shows very little interest. I look back and can't quite believe how quickly it's all gone. I got through it and you will too. Please keep us updated.
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Old 03-12-2019, 05:33 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Iris, you have been given some wise advice here, please reach out to those who can help you.

You are not a terrible mother or a bad person, you are exhausted mentally, physically and emotionally and could use some help.

The fact that you reached out here is a great start. Please do what you need to do to keep yourself and your baby safe.

Hugs
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Old 03-12-2019, 02:20 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Hi iris. I sent you a private message last week as I can completely relate to what is going on with you right now.

I have two sons and my youngest son was born on my first sons birthday. I had left their dad 7 weeks before he was born as things were so bad and I was very unhappy. I'd moved back to my mum and dad's for 3 weeks then managed to get my flat.

Anyhow, when my youngest was born, I was very depressed and completely overwhelmed. My oldest son had been so easy to take care of but my youngest had colic and to this day, the cries of a newborn baby make me shiver. When I was in the hospital I knew I didn't want to take him home. I just felt it was all too much.

It was on the second day we were home that I phoned my mum and dad and told them, I didn't want my son. My dad phoned the hospital and spoke to a midwife I had gotten on well with and she advised him what to do. My GP came out and spoke to all of us. I was lucky in that my mum had retired and she came and sat with me every day, my dad coming in at lunch-time. My sister moved in with me so she was there at night. Night time just seemed the worst time with baby. However, it wasn't so they could take over his care - they'd help out of course to give me a break but I still had to be the main carer.

This maybe went on for three or four weeks but I knew I had to develop a routine and get used to being on my own. I joined a group that got me out the house, speaking with other mums and that really helped. As my son got older, his colic stopped and so things got easier. I also remember there was a volunteer organisation where someone came to the house to sit with baby if you needed a break. I didn't actually use this as my family were very good at giving me a break.

I know this is overwhelming and you are probably feeling like doing the things that are being suggested to you is a huge effort but please try to do something every day to get the help you're needing. Doing this and being productive will actually make you feel better - honestly.

Your little boy will grow so quickly and you'll soon be able to interact with him. It is hard, and when there is so much going on in your head, it sometimes seems, it's never going to get better but it does and it will - but please ask for help.

I have been a single parent for years - my son's will be 25 and 26 in may. Their father was never that involved and still shows very little interest. I look back and can't quite believe how quickly it's all gone. I got through it and you will too. Please keep us updated.


I wish someone would move in with me honestly. I feel so overwhelmed itís unreal. I feel trapped it makes me want to panic. I canít explain it. I want to be s good parent but itís hard to do with his anxiety. My mom helps me but she doesnít want to be here and she makes that clear. I feel more like a burden than anything and Iím struggling. I just feel like a burden to everyone and I donít know why Iím having such a difficult time.
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Old 03-12-2019, 02:23 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Iris.....I can imagine how it must feel...to feel so isolated and alone at such a pivotal time in your life.....

I suggest that it is appropriate that you go to the emergency room, if you feel that you are beyond coping...you can call 911 to take you, you can take the baby...and, they will make sure that the baby is well cared for....
They will listen to you, at the emergency room.....and they will take a lot of time to talk to you....
You have mentioned, yourself, about concern about post-partum depression. So, I think it is appropriate to talk to someone who can help you, about this....
Make sure to tell them the really important symptoms and feelings that you are having, and let them know what your current situation is really about....

I think it is important to remember to tell them the following things (that you have shared with us). (make a list if you have to remind yourself of these )Ö..
1. that...you have been crying constantly since baby is born...
2. that...you don't want to be alone with the baby
3. that...that you want to run away and never come back
4. that...you feel like you are failing as a parent
5. that...you just don't feel "normal"
6. that...you are hating your own thoughts and feel like you are a horrible person
7. that...you are completely alone, isolated and have zero help

I am a medical person, myself...and, while it is typical to have a few days of the "baby blues" for anyone...these are things that I feel go beyond that, and, need attention....They will listen to you, if you tell them about these feelings and things....
This is a way to get help...considering your current situation...

Remember, that you didn't hesitate to get help from the 911 for your boyfriend....I feel like you owe as much to yourself and your son....

Please don't second guess yourself on this....It is not right for you to have to suffer like this.....

Id never hurt my son or myself,so I donít wanna make it kore
dramatic than it already is. I have made plans to go back to therapy and tell them how Iím feeling. I just donít want them to think Iím crazy and try taking my baby or something. I feel like my boyfriend being in jail really messed me up. I know he wouldnít be any help but,I had it in my mind that I wouldnít be alone here with a newborn feeling anxiety like I do. I donít know. I just feel so overwhelmed and my mom doesnít want to be here. Iím so anxious I donít know if I can keep doing this. I donít wanna five my son away I just wanna be able to care for him without being so scared. I feel like Iím always gonna panic. I wanna take a walk or something and just sit somewhere quiet. Gather my thoughts. I donít know. I am just so mentally exhausted.
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Old 03-12-2019, 02:26 PM   #9 (permalink)
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A checkup with a GP- depression is common in my family of origin after abirth.
Maybe look at joining a support group- for women, al-non, something at a local community centre- food, art, books, new mums, or a church group?

My prayers and support to you

there is a church right across the street from my house I have thought about attending. Iím not super religious but I do feel like it would make me feel more at peace. I might try it. Iím desperate lately to feel some type of peace... just feels like a never ending nightmare for me right now.
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Old 03-12-2019, 03:38 PM   #10 (permalink)
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there is a church right across the street from my house I have thought about attending. Iím not super religious but I do feel like it would make me feel more at peace. I might try it. Iím desperate lately to feel some type of peace... just feels like a never ending nightmare for me right now.
That's a great idea. They probably do other things there too? Other than just a service I mean. Normally there might be fund raising or helping others or Mom get-togethers or bible studies or who knows what. It would be a great place to meet those nearby.

I don't think how religious you are plays in to it at all? Isn't it really about fellowship and connecting with others in your community and caring about each other?
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Old 03-12-2019, 03:45 PM   #11 (permalink)
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I have made plans to go back to therapy and tell them how I’m feeling. I just don’t want them to think I’m crazy and try taking my baby or something.
Depression and anxiety don't make you seem "crazy". It's so important to level with your therapist, she cant give you the tools you need if you don't.

There is light at the end of this tunnel, things will get better. Calling 911 isn't dramatic by the way, it's just reaching out for help when you need it. Sometimes when we are alone in our heads we can make things seem more dramatic than they are, you know what I mean? Well if I call them and they show up and take me to the ER then what if this and what if that. Remember how kind the people at the maternity ward were. Remember how scared you were beforehand? They helped you, that's what they do and they are happy to do it, this is kind of the same thing really.
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Old 03-12-2019, 06:44 PM   #12 (permalink)
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That's a great idea. They probably do other things there too? Other than just a service I mean. Normally there might be fund raising or helping others or Mom get-togethers or bible studies or who knows what. It would be a great place to meet those nearby.

I don't think how religious you are plays in to it at all? Isn't it really about fellowship and connecting with others in your community and caring about each other?


Very true. I think it would help me a lot actually just to socialize with people. I think isolation is a huge problem for me. I may try it.
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Old 03-12-2019, 06:47 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Depression and anxiety don't make you seem "crazy". It's so important to level with your therapist, she cant give you the tools you need if you don't.

There is light at the end of this tunnel, things will get better. Calling 911 isn't dramatic by the way, it's just reaching out for help when you need it. Sometimes when we are alone in our heads we can make things seem more dramatic than they are, you know what I mean? Well if I call them and they show up and take me to the ER then what if this and what if that. Remember how kind the people at the maternity ward were. Remember how scared you were beforehand? They helped you, that's what they do and they are happy to do it, this is kind of the same thing really.


Sometimes I think about admitting my feelings completely to someone who can help me. Lately I have felt more helpless than I care to admit but,I wanna change how I am. I just donít know how. Parenting comes so easy for some women but for me it has been a nightmare. I look at my son and I love him so much but,I have so many unpleasant feelings surrounding him. His dad. How alone I am. How overwhelmed I am. I havenít bonded with him... I feel horrible. Iím still recovering from childbirth and some days I just wanna lay in a quiet room alone for a while. But I canít because I have to be a parent. I have to be there for my son and I am barely making it. What happens when my mom wonít help me anymore? I panic...because I cannot do this on my own. Itís bad. My anxiety is awful. Iím hoping therapy gives me tools to help me better control my anxiety,itís ruining my life.
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Old 03-12-2019, 07:47 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Iris..I am glad that you are able to be open to admitting your feelings to us, here, on the forum....that is, in itself, an important first step.
Some women do experience the kind of depression/anxiety feelings that you are describing.....for the ones that do...the kinds of feelings that you describe are not unusual...in fact, they are pretty typical. In addition, they usually feel alone and fearful about what it all means...and, often are afraid, and even may try to "hide" their feelings, to some extent and try to pretend that they feel better than they do...to others...like, doctors, etc. They usually are surprised to find out that this kind of post-partum experience is more common than usually thought....and, that it can be treated by receiving the kinds of help and management that professionals and compassionate others....with a good outcome for both mother and baby!
The things that you have shared about how you feel, are, almost word for word, what other mothers, who have had your experience feel. They are afraid that their feelings are "bad" and that they aren't "capable" and that doctors might think that they are "crazy" (which they won't)Ö.and that they are not going to ever feel "normal", again. None of these things are true, of course, but they may feel true to the mother, at the time....The depression/anxiety can be so intense that it is just blocking, other more comfortable feelings, and just wreck a person's confidence....
Just know that this is a temporary condition, and that it will change with the right kind of help from the people who understand this condition and know what they are doing.
I especially appreciated Cody's post to you...where she described what it was like for her...before she opened up and got the help that she needed. You may not have the same kind of family that she had...and, truthfully, many of us didn't, either....for a variety of reasons...but, the same kind of help that a family can give, if they live nearby, can, very nicely, be supplied by other people....
I think that the idea of going to the church, across the street is a fabulous idea....and, you don't have to be into all of the religiosity, either....Just go...they will open their arms to you. (And the ladies in the church will probably become like mother hens to you and baby, if they just knew that you were alone and lonely...church ladies are the best volunteers, ever.....
I think that you are right...you do need to be having some socializing with others...that is a basic human need. Just being around other people, in itself, can be sooo therapeutic. In fact, a new person in a church, usually gets to meet the minister and the minister's spouse...if that happens, if you just tell them that you are a new mother, alone...they can send a whole lot of practical help your way....You do need some time for yourself...and some more rest....
The more rested and relaxed you become, the easier it is to just enjoy (bond) with the baby. It is like a whole layer of "noise" is removed....
Please try to speed up your connection to your therapist, again....you can call her office and ask for an "emergency appointment...and use the list, that I made in my other post, to explain why you need such an appointment. You can ask to have a phone conversation wither...which is commonly done, these days. I know that you were not very happy with this therapist, in the past...but, if you should find that you still feel this way (you might not), you can ask the pediatrician's office or your Gyn's office to find you another therapist who deals with these kinds of situations. And, they will.
Another word...nobody is going to be looking to take your baby away...that is never their goal....their goal is to help you and to make your little family stronger...their entire mission is to help.

I am so glad that you are posting, and please keep it up....
Cody has indicated that she is open to private messages...and, I know that she can be very compassionate, because she was once in your shoes....
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Old 03-13-2019, 04:07 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Hi Iris,

Please go to the church. Don't overthink about going. Choose a day, get yourself and baby ready and go. Getting out the house will do you a power of good. You're on your own with your thoughts and it's really not good for your mental health.

I still struggle with what brought me here and due to losing my job, I'm on my own far too much but I'm doing things about that.

Anyhow - back to you. When I had my first son, I adored him. He was such a good baby. It was so easy - I had my hair done, make-up on every day. Didn't understand why I'd been told I'd be tired, run down etc.

Second son was totally different and I didn't feel any rush of love when he was born. I didn't want him and that was that. I remember being in hospital and being so scared and nervous about taking him home. My main problem was night-time. Pacing the floor with a newborn for hours was so tiring and I was so glad of the support I got. However, I knew I had to let my mum dad and sister get back to their lives and get on with mine. I had to get on with being a single parent. I remember my first night of being alone very well and I was anxious and scared but I had to do it and I was actually proud that I managed it. It became easier but that's not to say life was all good because it wasn't for quite a while.

I was dealing with the issues that made me leave the boys dad on top of looking after the boys and it took me a while to actually bond with my youngest and feel the love that I instantly felt for my oldest.

Once you start getting the help you need, I promise you will start to feel better. I'm so sorry that your mum isn't more help. I was extremely lucky with the parents I had. I feel for you, as everyone with a baby needs a break now and then.

I went on and gained a Degree in Criminology, when the boys were still young (they were 10 and 11 when I began uni.) Being a mum is the hardest job you will ever do and it's not all been a walk in the park but you somehow manage to get through it.

There is absolutely nothing 'wrong' with you. You're just a young mum, who is overwhelmed but who can get through this. Please do something today to start the ball rolling.

Keep us all posted.
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Old 03-14-2019, 10:12 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Hey Iris, how are things going today?
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Old 03-14-2019, 11:18 AM   #17 (permalink)
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Hey Iris, how are things going today?

Horrible. Iím tired of everything.
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Old 03-14-2019, 01:23 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Iris.....I understand how you feel. Realistically, I didn't expect you to say that you are floating on a happiness cloud...lol. I have had newborns, before, and at less that 3wks...I remembering feeling tired and sleepy and wanting more than 24hrs.in a day....
The idea is to make progress, a little, each day....and, getting through each day is calling a victory.
Of course, it is no secret, now, that this involves baby steps and getting the kind of help that you need from those who do understand and are in a position and attitude of helping you, toward that goal....
Having said that...it IS o.k. to say that you feel horrible, if you are feeling horrible....you do need to be honest, and I am glad that you are doing so....
And, I realize that you are more than just "tired" from recently giving birth.....I believe that you are suffering from anxiety/depression, exacerbated by your personal situation....and, made worse by relative isolation....
Believe me, when I say that these are all treatable and can be changed....
It doesn't have to always feel like this.....
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Old 03-14-2019, 01:38 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Iris.....I understand how you feel. Realistically, I didn't expect you to say that you are floating on a happiness cloud...lol. I have had newborns, before, and at less that 3wks...I remembering feeling tired and sleepy and wanting more than 24hrs.in a day....
The idea is to make progress, a little, each day....and, getting through each day is calling a victory.
Of course, it is no secret, now, that this involves baby steps and getting the kind of help that you need from those who do understand and are in a position and attitude of helping you, toward that goal....
Having said that...it IS o.k. to say that you feel horrible, if you are feeling horrible....you do need to be honest, and I am glad that you are doing so....
And, I realize that you are more than just "tired" from recently giving birth.....I believe that you are suffering from anxiety/depression, exacerbated by your personal situation....and, made worse by relative isolation....
Believe me, when I say that these are all treatable and can be changed....
It doesn't have to always feel like this.....

Thank you. Today has just been really bad... my anxiety is making me act ugly. Been rude to people today and I havenít even wanted to hold my son. It makes me feel like a horrible person but I havenít showered in a few days and I just want personal time to myself. Someone was rude to me today and it was just like a snowball effect. One thing less to another and here I am feeling bad. Plus itís supposed to storm later and there have been tornadoes in other areas and I have a big fear of that. So my anxiety has just been paramount today. Plus I found out my boyfriend was talking inappropriately to his ex while with me. I have been meaning to tell him itís over but I havenít had the chance to talk to him long enough over the phone. I have been handling it well because heís a piece of crap,so no surprise there..but,today it has been getting to me. I guess because everything has gotten to me today. I am an emotional mess. I feel awful,I hate that I said rude things to people and hate even more that I donít wanna good my son today.
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Old 03-14-2019, 01:39 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Hold* Sorry,typos
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