Originally Posted by
ScottFromWI 
I couldn't imagine alcohol not being an everyday part of my life either. I used all the common excuses ; "it's everywhere", "I won't have any fun", "everybody drinks", "it just happened".
I also had some clinical underlying mental health issues and while I didn't directly use them as an excuse to drink, I was attempting to "self medicate" them by drinking - which of course failed miserably
Bottom line Arthox, as long as you keep trying to find ways that you can't quit drinking, you probably won't. And frankly at this point the best thing for you is going to be supervised detox and inpatient rehab. And yes you'll probably have to do some AA meetings while you are in rehab, but even if AA "isn't for you".( which is just another excuse of course ), there are some parts of it that apply in all forms of recovery.
I hope you can find the strength to make the right choice - because that's really what it's all about. You know that too because you've mentioned it here before. Ranting can be therapeutic, but you've been doing it for years and it's not helping to be frank. Many will pray for you but they can't take the action that you need to take - so we will pray for that.
What is supervised detox? That sounds like a thing that might work for me. I cannot deal with authority, period. I realize how stupid that stance is to take on the world, but that's where I've been since birth. You could argue that someone at a rehab facility doesn't fall under the category of needing to earn my respect because of their clinical position, but for me it's a big thing.
AA meetings where half the people are high on something is FANTASTIC. The last time I started attending AA meetings (~three months ago) I ended up f%&@ing the Ringleader of Sobriety in my town and then broke off the entire relationship/friendship with her, so it's kind of not an option. She's a drug addict and has a lot of BDSM sex friends who are all addicted to meth who are forced to go to these places and will try to f@&^ me up because I called her out about some junk, because I thought it was funny. I don't mind fighting junkies, but I'd rather avoid it. I really don't think "AA isn't for me" is an excuse. It's a massive trigger that makes me find myself craving a drink far more intensely than before I go. It's frustrating because I am not spiritual at all. I don't believe in a higher power. I understand the concept that one man cannot accomplish certain tasks on his own and sometimes requires help of others. That's the closest God feels to me. God is the idea of the echo of a thunderclap. God is a room full of children chanting weird mantras from past days. Religion was the Twitter of reality until now. We are bacteria comprised of elements on a rock. The elements will be reconstituted eventually and we call this "Life." Also, why is the coffee always scalding hot and there is never any ice? I can't take one sip until the meeting is over. I don't mind attending AA, it's just really sad and I don't feel at all like I'm there for the same reasons as everyone or anyone else. I've probably been to at least 200 meetings and support groups, some consistently lasting over 2 hours. Nothing.
I don't drink because of emotional pain or abuse and it seems like everyone at these little facilities do. If I could, I would just smoke weed, or probably just drink coffee, but I can't. I smoked K2 when I was 18 and it caused some really strange, intense chronic pain-headache mental damage thing in my head where it feels like a power-drill is being jammed into my temporal bone while ants walk along and eat at my brain, and only one brand of beer fixes that. If that brand didn't exist, I would just suffer. I kind of don't feel like an alcoholic; I'm just in a lot of pain and my metaphorical footholds are out of place. I don't crave for feeling a release. I would never buy whiskey or vodka to lose myself. I am self-medicating because the pain is too great, and I don't want to miss out on my 20's because of it. I don't enjoy alcohol. I enjoy not being in physical pain 24/7. Before the K2 incident I never drank or planned to. That is what is making this so difficult. The pain is increased by critical thinking, driving, reading books, math, etc. It is very frustrating. I am throwing my life away. There are no thoughts in my head unless I have a catalyst that won't betray me.
It makes me feel like a shell of a human. I don't understand jokes. I don't understand emojis and have no emotional response otherwise. I don't feel like I have to be the life of the party or anything either, I just want a medication that deals with this medical issue with my head and I've been seeing doctor after doctor nonstop for 9 years straight now and I've learned absolutely nothing except that some antidepressants give me the symptoms of an oncoming stroke.
It's sort of interesting how well you know me off this site, Scott. My rants do help, to be Lisa.
I hope Depakote works.