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Old 03-16-2019, 04:43 AM   #1 (permalink)
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I can't imagine being sober. It's almost to the point of imagining being back in college. The idea of not drinking does not feel possible. My body will go to a store and buy a poison and I will drink it while my brain is screaming for me to stop. I can't stop it, and it's on every street corner and every commercial I see.

I can look at a book and think it might sound difficult to read right now and I want to watch Netflix, but I can go and read the book and feel better about it later. I can imagine everyone thinks about me in a negative way, but take the time to meditate and come to peace within myself, sometimes. I cannot do this with alcohol. It literally has control over me.

I don't understand, because I am the type of person who likes to be tortured, or put to the test regardless of pain, and I can handle withdrawal to the point I've almost died about 22 times now going back and forth trying not to drink. It doesn't matter how many months I go, it's all my brain thinks about.

It's all my brain ever thinks about. It's absolutely terrifying how much dopamine is released in my brain when I know it is in my possession. I don't understand. I really don't understand how or why I keep buying it. I've bought it over buying my mom a birthday present this year.

I literally have my dream house with a potential best friend who has a good heart and doesn't drink. I have the girl of my dreams who will date me if she sees I stop drinking. But all I want to do is drink, and I'm very aware life is short and I will look back on these decisions and not be able to live with myself. But I can't turn my mind off. I can do it temporarily, but only if I take another drug that overrides that tick. I can play video games, but it is only me hypnotizing myself from not thinking about drinking poison.

I am bi-polar and just received my medication, but I cannot mix it with alcohol or my eyes and skin will turn yellow and I will die. I do not trust my self enough to not drink, but I also cannot stand God, AA, or the idea of rehab and being locked in a building with other people going through their emotional issues. These things have all proven to not work for me. If I can make it 48 hours without drinking, I will take this medication. Knowing myself, the fear might drive me to stay away from alcohol.

I guess I'm just typing out loud. Please pray for me when I try this. Maybe we are connected by some force we cannot perceive and it will help me in some way. Or maybe I am just interfacing with people through the internet and the consolation of that I know will help at least in a small way. Wish me luck. : nyz
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Old 03-16-2019, 05:30 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Maybe let's break it apart? You know you need to stop drinking, so it's really just a question of how you quit. I don't know what you've tried so far, so it's hard to suggest new approaches that might work, but what generally works best is distraction, something that takes your mind away from the thought of drinking. You say you have gone months without drinking, but is that really true? If you have, then you've passed the physical barrier and it's all mental, but you haven't gone more than a few days then you have a physical barrier to cross first and my suggestions will change. This is solvable, it always is no matter hard it seems now.
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Old 03-16-2019, 05:44 AM   #3 (permalink)
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I couldn't imagine alcohol not being an everyday part of my life either. I used all the common excuses ; "it's everywhere", "I won't have any fun", "everybody drinks", "it just happened".

I also had some clinical underlying mental health issues and while I didn't directly use them as an excuse to drink, I was attempting to "self medicate" them by drinking - which of course failed miserably

Bottom line Arthox, as long as you keep trying to find ways that you can't quit drinking, you probably won't. And frankly at this point the best thing for you is going to be supervised detox and inpatient rehab. And yes you'll probably have to do some AA meetings while you are in rehab, but even if AA "isn't for you".( which is just another excuse of course ), there are some parts of it that apply in all forms of recovery.

I hope you can find the strength to make the right choice - because that's really what it's all about. You know that too because you've mentioned it here before. Ranting can be therapeutic, but you've been doing it for years and it's not helping to be frank. Many will pray for you but they can't take the action that you need to take - so we will pray for that.
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Old 03-16-2019, 07:25 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Maybe let's break it apart? You know you need to stop drinking, so it's really just a question of how you quit. I don't know what you've tried so far, so it's hard to suggest new approaches that might work, but what generally works best is distraction, something that takes your mind away from the thought of drinking. You say you have gone months without drinking, but is that really true? If you have, then you've passed the physical barrier and it's all mental, but you haven't gone more than a few days then you have a physical barrier to cross first and my suggestions will change. This is solvable, it always is no matter hard it seems now.

I am not a liar. I've gone months, but never more than a year. The physical affects die after about 3 weeks. My mind doesn't.
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Old 03-16-2019, 08:27 AM   #5 (permalink)
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I couldn't imagine alcohol not being an everyday part of my life either. I used all the common excuses ; "it's everywhere", "I won't have any fun", "everybody drinks", "it just happened".

I also had some clinical underlying mental health issues and while I didn't directly use them as an excuse to drink, I was attempting to "self medicate" them by drinking - which of course failed miserably

Bottom line Arthox, as long as you keep trying to find ways that you can't quit drinking, you probably won't. And frankly at this point the best thing for you is going to be supervised detox and inpatient rehab. And yes you'll probably have to do some AA meetings while you are in rehab, but even if AA "isn't for you".( which is just another excuse of course ), there are some parts of it that apply in all forms of recovery.

I hope you can find the strength to make the right choice - because that's really what it's all about. You know that too because you've mentioned it here before. Ranting can be therapeutic, but you've been doing it for years and it's not helping to be frank. Many will pray for you but they can't take the action that you need to take - so we will pray for that.
What is supervised detox? That sounds like a thing that might work for me. I cannot deal with authority, period. I realize how stupid that stance is to take on the world, but that's where I've been since birth. You could argue that someone at a rehab facility doesn't fall under the category of needing to earn my respect because of their clinical position, but for me it's a big thing.

AA meetings where half the people are high on something is FANTASTIC. The last time I started attending AA meetings (~three months ago) I ended up f%&@ing the Ringleader of Sobriety in my town and then broke off the entire relationship/friendship with her, so it's kind of not an option. She's a drug addict and has a lot of BDSM sex friends who are all addicted to meth who are forced to go to these places and will try to [email protected]&^ me up because I called her out about some junk, because I thought it was funny. I don't mind fighting junkies, but I'd rather avoid it. I really don't think "AA isn't for me" is an excuse. It's a massive trigger that makes me find myself craving a drink far more intensely than before I go. It's frustrating because I am not spiritual at all. I don't believe in a higher power. I understand the concept that one man cannot accomplish certain tasks on his own and sometimes requires help of others. That's the closest God feels to me. God is the idea of the echo of a thunderclap. God is a room full of children chanting weird mantras from past days. Religion was the Twitter of reality until now. We are bacteria comprised of elements on a rock. The elements will be reconstituted eventually and we call this "Life." Also, why is the coffee always scalding hot and there is never any ice? I can't take one sip until the meeting is over. I don't mind attending AA, it's just really sad and I don't feel at all like I'm there for the same reasons as everyone or anyone else. I've probably been to at least 200 meetings and support groups, some consistently lasting over 2 hours. Nothing.

I don't drink because of emotional pain or abuse and it seems like everyone at these little facilities do. If I could, I would just smoke weed, or probably just drink coffee, but I can't. I smoked K2 when I was 18 and it caused some really strange, intense chronic pain-headache mental damage thing in my head where it feels like a power-drill is being jammed into my temporal bone while ants walk along and eat at my brain, and only one brand of beer fixes that. If that brand didn't exist, I would just suffer. I kind of don't feel like an alcoholic; I'm just in a lot of pain and my metaphorical footholds are out of place. I don't crave for feeling a release. I would never buy whiskey or vodka to lose myself. I am self-medicating because the pain is too great, and I don't want to miss out on my 20's because of it. I don't enjoy alcohol. I enjoy not being in physical pain 24/7. Before the K2 incident I never drank or planned to. That is what is making this so difficult. The pain is increased by critical thinking, driving, reading books, math, etc. It is very frustrating. I am throwing my life away. There are no thoughts in my head unless I have a catalyst that won't betray me.

It makes me feel like a shell of a human. I don't understand jokes. I don't understand emojis and have no emotional response otherwise. I don't feel like I have to be the life of the party or anything either, I just want a medication that deals with this medical issue with my head and I've been seeing doctor after doctor nonstop for 9 years straight now and I've learned absolutely nothing except that some antidepressants give me the symptoms of an oncoming stroke.

It's sort of interesting how well you know me off this site, Scott. My rants do help, to be Lisa.

I hope Depakote works.
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I just keep losing. I mean, some people just...are supposed to lose? For balance in the universe? I mean, like, are there just some people on earth who...are supposed to be here just to make it easier for the winners? - Donald Glover

Last edited by Arthox; 03-16-2019 at 08:33 AM. Reason: I JUST LOOOOOVE EDITING
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Old 03-16-2019, 05:16 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Good luck with the depakote.

You know, I quit drinking without AA. I went in the beginning of my sobriety but honestly....I think I just got too tired and lazy to go. I was anything but too tired or lazy to stay sober, though. Id already decided I would stay sober.

Heres a thought: what if staying sober didnt have anything to do with the triggers at AA, your bipolar disease, your guilt about drinking while being in a fortunate situation, your dopamine hit when you drink, your questions about the meaning of anything or the point of it all, or the possibility of other substance abuse, or your feeling of detachment......

What if if you just cut it, like with scissors; from the fabric of all the other parts of life. And just dealt with the tiny piece you cut off.

That way, nothing gets in the way of it, nothing becomes an excuse for it, nothing is the reason for it, nothing is associated with it, its been cut off.

Thats how I did it. Nothing has anything to do with my sobriety. I cut drinking out and dealt with it on its own. Separate. Finished. I finally felt protected from that Sh1t that was destroying my life. Because I no longer had to do it because I was depressed or grieving or fat or dissatisfied or lonely or feeling awkward somewhere. It was cut out.

The discussions are fine...they help you deal with whats in your head, and its cathartic to write it out.

But your discussions have nothing to do with your current drinking problem, or any commitment to future sobriety.
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Old 03-16-2019, 05:50 PM   #7 (permalink)
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It's sort of interesting how well you know me off this site, Scott..
Interesting perhaps, but I only know what you've posted here since joining. You might benefit yourself from going back and reading some of your posts here, if only to see how long you've been fighting this.

I do know that the situation you are in is a lot like the one many of us were in- drunk, hopeless and in that "bargaining" cycle with our addiction. For every reason you are given to not drink, your addiction fires right back with a reason why it won't work. Take my suggestion about detox - you replied that you have a problem with authority without even knowing what detox is. To answer your question, medically supervised detox is generally done at a hospital or alcohol/drug treatment center and sometimes other meds are used to help stave off the worst/potentially dangerous withdrawal symptoms like Seizures or worse.

We all thought our situation was somehow unique or "worse" than others, or that for some reason our problems were too big to be solved. But in the end, we all have exactly the same problem with alcohol. And the solution is also exactly the same.

Your distain for AA is another example of where you are using as an excuse to not do anything. There are lots of other recovery methods out there, take a look in the secular forums. Also understand that SR itself is a recovery group in a sense - and while ranting is sometimes helpful for a short time, what really works here is engaging in conversation about your goals and learning how others went about it.
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Old 03-17-2019, 02:20 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Your brain is lying to you. Part of that comes naturally to it, part of it is surely from being damaged by the past poison. You need to find a part of you that can see above the clouds a little here, that can imagine a little more than you can even imagine you can imagine, so to speak.

You're fighting for your life here and need to be willing to do whatever's necessary to get off the poison. That will include giving up old ideas about who you thought you were, and that's doable but takes some time and patiently applied effort.
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Old 03-20-2019, 11:09 PM   #9 (permalink)
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I feel so much turmoil in your post and I find that I have very little I can say to help untangle that.

I hope you find the strength to put down the bottle for today, and then try to find that strength again tomorrow, and continue for many days to fight that battle.

Maybe SR can be your temple.
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Old 03-21-2019, 12:04 AM   #10 (permalink)
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It sounds like your brain is racing and screaming out for relief.
You need to let it rest.
Talk to your Dr. I hope you find the right medicine to soothe your brain.
Alcohol will not help but you know that.
I will pray for you, Arthrox.
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