I can't imagine being sober. It's almost to the point of imagining being back in college. The idea of not drinking does not feel possible. My body will go to a store and buy a poison and I will drink it while my brain is screaming for me to stop. I can't stop it, and it's on every street corner and every commercial I see.
I can look at a book and think it might sound difficult to read right now and I want to watch Netflix, but I can go and read the book and feel better about it later. I can imagine everyone thinks about me in a negative way, but take the time to meditate and come to peace within myself, sometimes. I cannot do this with alcohol. It literally has control over me.
I don't understand, because I am the type of person who likes to be tortured, or put to the test regardless of pain, and I can handle withdrawal to the point I've almost died about 22 times now going back and forth trying not to drink. It doesn't matter how many months I go, it's all my brain thinks about.
It's all my brain ever thinks about. It's absolutely terrifying how much dopamine is released in my brain when I know it is in my possession. I don't understand. I really don't understand how or why I keep buying it. I've bought it over buying my mom a birthday present this year.
I literally have my dream house with a potential best friend who has a good heart and doesn't drink. I have the girl of my dreams who will date me if she sees I stop drinking. But all I want to do is drink, and I'm very aware life is short and I will look back on these decisions and not be able to live with myself. But I can't turn my mind off. I can do it temporarily, but only if I take another drug that overrides that tick. I can play video games, but it is only me hypnotizing myself from not thinking about drinking poison.
I am bi-polar and just received my medication, but I cannot mix it with alcohol or my eyes and skin will turn yellow and I will die. I do not trust my self enough to not drink, but I also cannot stand God, AA, or the idea of rehab and being locked in a building with other people going through their emotional issues. These things have all proven to not work for me. If I can make it 48 hours without drinking, I will take this medication. Knowing myself, the fear might drive me to stay away from alcohol.
I guess I'm just typing out loud. Please pray for me when I try this. Maybe we are connected by some force we cannot perceive and it will help me in some way. Or maybe I am just interfacing with people through the internet and the consolation of that I know will help at least in a small way. Wish me luck.
: nyz