Iris..I am glad that you are able to be open to admitting your feelings to us, here, on the forum....that is, in itself, an important first step.
Some women do experience the kind of depression/anxiety feelings that you are describing.....for the ones that do...the kinds of feelings that you describe are not unusual...in fact, they are pretty typical. In addition, they usually feel alone and fearful about what it all means...and, often are afraid, and even may try to "hide" their feelings, to some extent and try to pretend that they feel better than they do...to others...like, doctors, etc. They usually are surprised to find out that this kind of post-partum experience is more common than usually thought....and, that it can be treated by receiving the kinds of help and management that professionals and compassionate others....with a good outcome for both mother and baby!
The things that you have shared about how you feel, are, almost word for word, what other mothers, who have had your experience feel. They are afraid that their feelings are "bad" and that they aren't "capable" and that doctors might think that they are "crazy" (which they won't)….and that they are not going to ever feel "normal", again. None of these things are true, of course, but they may feel true to the mother, at the time....The depression/anxiety can be so intense that it is just blocking, other more comfortable feelings, and just wreck a person's confidence....
Just know that this is a temporary condition, and that it will change with the right kind of help from the people who understand this condition and know what they are doing.
I especially appreciated Cody's post to you...where she described what it was like for her...before she opened up and got the help that she needed. You may not have the same kind of family that she had...and, truthfully, many of us didn't, either....for a variety of reasons...but, the same kind of help that a family can give, if they live nearby, can, very nicely, be supplied by other people....
I think that the idea of going to the church, across the street is a fabulous idea....and, you don't have to be into all of the religiosity, either....Just go...they will open their arms to you. (And the ladies in the church will probably become like mother hens to you and baby, if they just knew that you were alone and lonely...church ladies are the best volunteers, ever.....
I think that you are right...you do need to be having some socializing with others...that is a basic human need. Just being around other people, in itself, can be sooo therapeutic. In fact, a new person in a church, usually gets to meet the minister and the minister's spouse...if that happens, if you just tell them that you are a new mother, alone...they can send a whole lot of practical help your way....You do need some time for yourself...and some more rest....
The more rested and relaxed you become, the easier it is to just enjoy (bond) with the baby. It is like a whole layer of "noise" is removed....
Please try to speed up your connection to your therapist, again....you can call her office and ask for an "emergency appointment...and use the list, that I made in my other post, to explain why you need such an appointment. You can ask to have a phone conversation wither...which is commonly done, these days. I know that you were not very happy with this therapist, in the past...but, if you should find that you still feel this way (you might not), you can ask the pediatrician's office or your Gyn's office to find you another therapist who deals with these kinds of situations. And, they will.
Another word...nobody is going to be looking to take your baby away...that is never their goal....their goal is to help you and to make your little family stronger...their entire mission is to help.
I am so glad that you are posting, and please keep it up....
Cody has indicated that she is open to private messages...and, I know that she can be very compassionate, because she was once in your shoes....