youngirish

I used to come on this site periodically, but have not in a long time. I'm suprised I even remembered the password. I fell off (and was run over by( the wagon. I recently went almost six months without drinking, and have no idea why I went back, but DAMN its harder to quit this time.
I'm definately alcoholic, as much as I hate to hear it when people tell me that. My dad is, both his parents are, as are 2 of his brothers, my mothers mother is an alcoholic as well. Lots of them! Anyway... I was a bad drinker right from this first time I drank. It was a 26'er of spiced rum... blacked out and attacked a bunch of people. I was in rehab at age 18 (I'm 22 now). My doc keeps telling me to use my "willpower" to quit. That doesn't help. I have said so many times "I'm never doing this again". I said it last weekend, and today I'm feeling like **** because I blacked out yesterday and did a whole bunch of stuff I don't remember and want to crawl in a hole and die. Can someone explain this to me? What does it mean when you get random alcohol cravings, and you get so excited thinking about it you have to run to the washroom cause your colon's doing backflips thinking about the booze? This happens all the time. I don't drink everyday, but at times I do get these cravings during the week. Weekends are the worst. When I get those cravings my mood goes all over the place, I become the most irritable, angry person in the world and all I can think about is getting alcohol. Sometimes I find bottles in my room that i have no idea where they came from cause I started drinking them during a black out. It's ruining my life. I'm a nursing student. I try to do well, but it's suffering because of my drinking. I'm so ashamed that people at school and my placement in the hospital think I'm this great caring person when in reality I'm a drunk. I'm trying to diet too... it's all doing well except for the six beers and 3/4 of the 26'er I drank last night. I hope I'm not triggering anybody who reads this.
Basically I'm scared. That I'm never going to be able to quit, that I"m going to hurt somebody, that I"m going to go insane. Please excuse the pity party.. but honest to God I am so scared of living this way today I was thinking maybe it would just be better for everybody if I wasn't around anymore. I read in an AA book that there are those who just never quit and keep drinking and eventually die. I'm thinking maybe I'm one of them as I continue to drink.... happy, sad... angry... awake...sleepy....when I have responsibilities to take care of.....when i promised myself and other I wont, I drink.