youngirish

I used to come on this site periodically, but have not in a long time. I'm suprised I even remembered the password. I fell off (and was run over by( the wagon. I recently went almost six months without drinking, and have no idea why I went back, but DAMN its harder to quit this time.
I'm definately alcoholic, as much as I hate to hear it when people tell me that. My dad is, both his parents are, as are 2 of his brothers, my mothers mother is an alcoholic as well. Lots of them! Anyway... I was a bad drinker right from this first time I drank. It was a 26'er of spiced rum... blacked out and attacked a bunch of people. I was in rehab at age 18 (I'm 22 now). My doc keeps telling me to use my "willpower" to quit. That doesn't help. I have said so many times "I'm never doing this again". I said it last weekend, and today I'm feeling like **** because I blacked out yesterday and did a whole bunch of stuff I don't remember and want to crawl in a hole and die. Can someone explain this to me? What does it mean when you get random alcohol cravings, and you get so excited thinking about it you have to run to the washroom cause your colon's doing backflips thinking about the booze? This happens all the time. I don't drink everyday, but at times I do get these cravings during the week. Weekends are the worst. When I get those cravings my mood goes all over the place, I become the most irritable, angry person in the world and all I can think about is getting alcohol. Sometimes I find bottles in my room that i have no idea where they came from cause I started drinking them during a black out. It's ruining my life. I'm a nursing student. I try to do well, but it's suffering because of my drinking. I'm so ashamed that people at school and my placement in the hospital think I'm this great caring person when in reality I'm a drunk. I'm trying to diet too... it's all doing well except for the six beers and 3/4 of the 26'er I drank last night. I hope I'm not triggering anybody who reads this.
Basically I'm scared. That I'm never going to be able to quit, that I"m going to hurt somebody, that I"m going to go insane. Please excuse the pity party.. but honest to God I am so scared of living this way today I was thinking maybe it would just be better for everybody if I wasn't around anymore. I read in an AA book that there are those who just never quit and keep drinking and eventually die. I'm thinking maybe I'm one of them as I continue to drink.... happy, sad... angry... awake...sleepy....when I have responsibilities to take care of.....when i promised myself and other I wont, I drink.

In memory of miracle

Oh, ((( YoungIrish )))
Good to see you coming back around. I could identify with the feeling scared part of your post, I was very afraid i was never going to get sober also, but I did, and you can too. How about a treatment program for you? An AA meeting? There is help, if you want it, sounds like you do. There is a much better life waiting for you. Millions of us have recovered.
Bless, Trish

brigid

sounds so familiar irish, you can stop, lots of us have and have been just where you are. go to a meeting today, you, like me, are powerless over alcohol, go talk to others who are the same and find some answers that will help you stop for good. this will not stop until you stop drinking, you don't have to do it on your own! alcohol is making your mind and thoughts go off and controlling you.

dig around a little here, spend the day and read there is plenty of info.

love brigid you can do this!

fraankie

well, what's basically happening
and
being a med student
you should know
or
have access to the info
is
that some sort of neurological transmitters
in your brain are acting up
or, essentially being damaged
so that you no longer see pleasure as a movie, a college degree,
a family gathering, a call from a friend
but
only seek happiness thru a bottle

don't mean to be so blunt
but



best
fraankie

youngirish

Thanks for all the replies guys!!! Hrmm.. I really didn't know that alcohol can change the pleasure center in your brain. Right now I'm in med/surg... and in nursing (unfortunately) there's no time spend on alcoholism, rather then what you may be looking for in a patient. It definately makes sense though. Any good books or websites on the biology if alcoholism?

brigid

in the stickies at the top of the page there is a post by Don S. which is right up the top, these links are to various sites. I haven't been to them all yet so can't give you an idea of which ones have medical info.

I just did a search on google using "biology of alcoholism" and some interesting links came up, many were in scientific publications, you may have access to these through work.

I just know that alcohol has made me think in ways that are strange and has altered my mind. Before I drank I was way smarter about stuff, then when drinking I did what you did. Was never going to drink again and stuff up, it isn't like I planned to do it, alcohol just seemed to take over. I figured that there was nothing wrong with me, it was the alcohol. I figure there is nothing wrong with you either, just the alcohol.

Take the alcohol out of the person and magic happens ... what do you want for your future? you can say no, arm yourself with knowledge about this stuff, remember you are a good person, rise to the most important challenge of your life.

happy reading, love brigid

Don S

Here's a link you might want to explore about neurotransmitters etc.
http://www.utexas.edu/research/asrec/drugs_m.html

Welcome back!
Don S

Pick-a-name

Get a copy of "Under the Influence" by Dr. James Milam and K. Kethcam........should answer your questions and more.

p.s. Good Luck to you!

Cathy31

Good luck, it's great that you are back here with us! I can relate to so many of your feelings....you are so young, if you could get into recovery, wow, you will have a beautiful life - and many years of it! I can relate to that fear you speak of.
Advice? Look up an AA meeting and go to it...millions have recovered. You can too.
Welcome back!
Cathy31
x

Don S

Maybe it's time to try a different doctor?!
Ask your medical office for a referral to a counselor who specializes in substance abuse issues, preferably one with a background in CBT or REBT. You're might want to get some help with strategies for avoiding that first drink, dealing with urges, coping with stress and other drinking factors, and maybe find some folks who can provide you with support.

There are online meetings here at SR and at groups like SMART Recovery. The web sites of the different recovery groups can be very useful, regardless of which one you ultimately decide to join (if any). Forums like this can be really helpful, and it works best if you just make yourself check in and post every day no matter what you're doing or how you're feeling. Do something every day to enhance your sobriety.

Six months sober is quite an accomplishment! So you know what it takes to get past the urges. That's the first part. Then try to think about what it is you feel drinking is doing for you -- what you think you'd miss, or what you missed when you quit before. Find ways to get those 'benefits' that don't involve drugs or alcohol.
If it reduced stress--there are other ways to reduce stress: meditation, visualization exercises, physical exercise, reading, and so on. If it made you feel more confident--find a program that affirms your self-confidence, work at things you enjoy doing that help you feel accomplished.
Keep at it every day: drinking is a seductive behavior because it's so easy to do. It's time to change your thinking until you get to the point that you believe alcohol simply has no role in your life anymore.

Take care,
Don S

Music

Try AA. It's cheaper!
BTW, willpower isn't the problem. Problem is "higher power."

CarolD

So glad you are seeking answers.

Blackouts are explained on Page 119 in
"Under The Influence"

Amazon carries it as well as the sequel...
"Beyond The Influence"

Keep in focus...we do understand. Blessings

jlo34

As soon as the alcohol enters your body it triggers the phenomena of craving...generally beforehand you have the obsession of the mind.

Grab the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous and start reading. It will answer all your questions in the first 164 pages.

Surround yourself in recovery and with recovering people.

The only thing you have to change....is everything. Stay away from using people, using places and using situations.

Jen