Hello Aprils !

i am writing this from my phone and sans reading glasses - I won’t know how many mistakes until tomorrow haha!

Thanks for sharing the Alanis lyrics. I expect ally love ‘thank u’. And thank you for sharing what’s going on with you. Sounds like you’re doing the best you can considering. I agree with Daisy, I’m happy to lose a year or 10 haha!

Im healing to NY on Weds to see friends and family. My friends in NJ, NYC and mom and stepdad in CT. My mom and I share a birthday (3/4). We are exactly 25 years apart. We couldn’t be more different. My mom was quite abusive and critical my entire life. She’s mellowed a bit with age and her long term illnesses but she’s a HUGE trigger for me - but I limit my time to 48 hours or less and this has worked the last few times I’ve gone to visit. Please send some good wishes that this is a good visit. I think I’m stronger now than ever, but it’s amazing how fast the mother daughter dynamic can change in an instant. She alwasys seems to mention something she doesn’t like about me or why I play with my hair or chew my gum “like that” or cutting me off and changing subject when I try to tell her about certain accomplishments. I truly feel like she is envious - it’s a terrible feeling to have abkutbyour parent. My ex used to say it to me all the time and I didn’t want to believe him. almostn8 years ago we got into a fight after I had been drinking and she punched me in the face and knocked me to the floor. After I told my aunt, my mom made up a story that I had kicked her in the stomach, which NEVER happened. I was not in a black out and in fact hadn’t drank for several hours by the time this occurred. She then told me I wouldn’t remember because I was drunk. She straight up lied to make me look bad so she didn’t have to be revealed as the abusive mother that she’s been. It was one of the most painful times in my entire life. And guess what? My drinking escalated to new proportions after that....

anyway - sorry I didn’t expect to even share that.

Suze I’m about to be 46. I think getting older is an honor and a privelfge but sometimes I do fear getting older. I go back and forth and working on being more in acceptance on a daily basis. Everyone is going in the same directions. No one gets out of this alive.

ok I will check in while I’m on the East Coast. Sending lots of love and hugs to you all !

xoxoxox