I guess I have to preface this by saying that I've been seeing a counselor for like 3 years now and I'm in the middle of seeing doctors, and
I'm also not suicidal. I obviously don't want medical advice, I want to know what you guys do when you feel like this.
I'm just losing sobriety steam like crazy.
I spent the first month of sobriety eating healthy, working out every day, and doing everything I could to stay above water. Most of the month was spent in some pretty weird digestive pain, and at the exact 1-month-clean milestone I ended up in the ER getting abdominal surgery, which is probably my top phobia in the world (anxiety people can probably relate). What was even stranger was that I had predicted this would happen 2 years earlier and that was part of my reason for quitting drinking - I wanted to avoid having this happen at all costs and I still failed.
Now my wife is dealing with a death in her family and I'm just getting existentially bummed, even though my anxiety and depression levels are probably at an all-time low since recovering from surgery and continuing to eat healthy, stay sober, etc. I just feel like we're on this planet now and we're going to die soon, which basically feels meaningless and stupid to me.
That dark part of my mind would just rather have a few beers each day (I was never really a heavy drinker, just a six-pack before bed was my 'happy' place) and just dim down the fact that everything kind of sucks. People die, illness happens, and honestly I'd rather just numb myself a little bit before my time to die naturally shows up.
Does anyone else feel like this? I'm trying to prevent relapsing but my mind does not give two dumplings about it anymore.
