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What's the point?

Old 02-09-2019, 12:24 PM
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What's the point?

I guess I have to preface this by saying that I've been seeing a counselor for like 3 years now and I'm in the middle of seeing doctors, and I'm also not suicidal. I obviously don't want medical advice, I want to know what you guys do when you feel like this.

I'm just losing sobriety steam like crazy.

I spent the first month of sobriety eating healthy, working out every day, and doing everything I could to stay above water. Most of the month was spent in some pretty weird digestive pain, and at the exact 1-month-clean milestone I ended up in the ER getting abdominal surgery, which is probably my top phobia in the world (anxiety people can probably relate). What was even stranger was that I had predicted this would happen 2 years earlier and that was part of my reason for quitting drinking - I wanted to avoid having this happen at all costs and I still failed.

Now my wife is dealing with a death in her family and I'm just getting existentially bummed, even though my anxiety and depression levels are probably at an all-time low since recovering from surgery and continuing to eat healthy, stay sober, etc. I just feel like we're on this planet now and we're going to die soon, which basically feels meaningless and stupid to me.

That dark part of my mind would just rather have a few beers each day (I was never really a heavy drinker, just a six-pack before bed was my 'happy' place) and just dim down the fact that everything kind of sucks. People die, illness happens, and honestly I'd rather just numb myself a little bit before my time to die naturally shows up.

Does anyone else feel like this? I'm trying to prevent relapsing but my mind does not give two dumplings about it anymore.

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Old 02-09-2019, 01:32 PM
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I can only really comment on my own experience. I have quit many times, and then gone back thinking "What the hell". I have ALWAYS regretted it, and I ended up drinking more than before each time.

The hardest part is done in my opinion. You're not a drinker anymore, so why would you want to drink? Don't let that inner voice win the fight, knock it back down.
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Old 02-09-2019, 02:20 PM
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My wife got some life altering medical news a month ago. She could possibly have acute leukemia. She went for the blood work and we had been waiting for the results until finally yesterday they came. She does not have acute leukemia.

I could have numbed for the past month but because i didn't, I was able to be there for my wife. Numbing myself, would have robbed both my wife and me. Instead our relationship deepened, even after 30+ years.

Life has peaks and valleys. If it was all peaks, we would not appreciate the peaks and they would become blaise because that would be all we knew.

I know night because of day.
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Old 02-09-2019, 03:20 PM
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Hi xNOiSEx

I'm sorry for all you have going on right now. I won't speak to the counselling or the medico thing - sounds like you feel you have that in hand.

Let me share some experience tho. I know in the past I had an idealised idea of recovery - my life would be perfect...and when, of course, it was not - I went back to drinking.

I think I missed the point there for a lot of years - it's not about life getting better (although in the long term it certainly does) it's about me getting better.

By the end I'd be drinking for so many reasons that I lost all confidence in my capacity to deal with hard things.

Staying sober gave me the realisation that I was far more capable and competent than I knew - and I was stronger too.

Over the years I've come to love being responsible, being 'there' for loved ones and dealing with problems sober as much as I used to love numbing out and running away.

The difference is this way nourishes me and helps me grow - running away simply depletes me.

I may indeed die tomorrow - who knows? - but I'd rather have lived a life rather than waiting for the end to come?

Stand your ground - its tough and new and uncomfortable I know...but you're heading in the right direction IMO.

D
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Old 02-09-2019, 09:09 PM
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Because if I continue to drink, things won't stay exactly the same- they'll get worse. It's an assumption, at least for me, that I can just drink indefinetly with zero consequences.
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Old 02-09-2019, 10:26 PM
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Dee's post is pretty spot on.

I lost my mom the day after Christmas, and saying goodbye to her was the hardest thing I've ever done. My dad died almost nine years ago, and I don't know if this was harder because it was my second parent. Anyway, since then I have spent a lot more time than I would like thinking about death, however, it has also caused me to want to appreciate and savor every day.

You mentioned you're losing your steam in sobriety, I wonder if you can flip your recovery to focus on gratitude, I find it really helpful.

Each day I go for a walk, and I appreciate all of the beatiful things nature has to offer, I watch my kids participate in sports, and savor the craziness of trying to get from one acitivty to the next, because I know that won't last forever, I log into SR and look forward to catching up with the many friends I've met on here, and offering support for someone who may be struggling.

I'm glad you're working with your counselor, I'm also glad you posted.
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Old 02-10-2019, 04:36 AM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
I think I missed the point there for a lot of years - it's not about life getting better (although in the long term it certainly does) it's about me getting better.
I'm still mulling this comment over. I think I might be in love with it.
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Old 02-10-2019, 05:33 AM
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Originally Posted by xNOiSEx View Post
What was even stranger was that I had predicted this would happen 2 years earlier and that was part of my reason for quitting drinking - I wanted to avoid having this happen at all costs and I still failed.
When you quit drinking, you may still succumb to physical illnesses that require surgery.

Originally Posted by xNOiSEx View Post
I just feel like we're on this planet now and we're going to die soon, which basically feels meaningless and stupid to me.
Life and death are inevitable for all living things, whether animal or plant. It's nature's design, and there is no reason "why." Meaning is strictly a human construct. Honey bees, raccoons, and oak trees, don't make a big deal out of meaning. They just go about surviving.

Humans get caught up in the meaning of life, and are influenced by the philosophers, who are thought to be deep thinkers, because they seek to understand the imponderable, which by definition, would be pointless (think about that).

Don't expect to be handed the meaning of life by an outside source like a respected philosopher, and don't expect to find it hidden in the depths of your mind. You put your own meaning into your own life and it can be anything. It might be in attaining wealth, skiing, finding love, or serving a god, or combinations of things. You won't find this meaning. You create it.

Originally Posted by xNOiSEx View Post
That dark part of my mind would just rather have a few beers each day (I was never really a heavy drinker, just a six-pack before bed was my 'happy' place) and just dim down the fact that everything kind of sucks.
Meaning in life may revolve around a six pack of beer, and for many alcoholics it does, but I don't want that to be the meaning I put into my life. I'll bet that most alcoholics that recover, including myself, get sober to avoid that kind of meaninglessness existence. What could be more meaninglessness than drinking day after day? <AV Alert>

Originally Posted by xNOiSEx View Post
I'm trying to prevent relapsing but my mind does not give two dumplings about it anymore.
That's your "alcoholic voice," a term that fails to address that it's really your "alcoholic mind," which is where we play our alcoholic mind games. I think you've still got a lot of recovery in front of you. You are still listening to your "alcoholic mind."
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Old 02-10-2019, 07:47 AM
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Originally Posted by nez View Post
Life has peaks and valleys. If it was all peaks, we would not appreciate the peaks and they would become blaise because that would be all we knew.
This.

Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
Over the years I've come to love being responsible, being 'there' for loved ones and dealing with problems sober as much as I used to love numbing out and running away.
This

Originally Posted by LaceyDallas View Post
Because if I continue to drink, things won't stay exactly the same- they'll get worse. It's an assumption, at least for me, that I can just drink indefinetly with zero consequences.
And this. OK actually all these posts are spot on for me. There are still occasional times when I lose my steam in recovery and wonder what the point of it is. But then I have days when my grandkids wake me up to make them breakfast and I'm reminded. There are days when I'm walking through the woods with a fishing pole or rifle and I remember that there was a time when alcohol held me prisoner in my home. And of course there are times when I'm near alcohol and I feel that old pull.

My sobriety needs frequent recharging with meetings, church, readings, prayer, meditation, time with God, and time with family and friends that reminds me that I'm loved and valued, we all are. There are very few meaningless moments in my life nowadays, for the most part I cherish every second I'm alive.
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Old 05-01-2019, 03:32 PM
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Originally Posted by xNOiSEx View Post
I guess I have to preface this by saying that I've been seeing a counselor for like 3 years now and I'm in the middle of seeing doctors, and I'm also not suicidal. I obviously don't want medical advice, I want to know what you guys do when you feel like this.

I'm just losing sobriety steam like crazy.

I spent the first month of sobriety eating healthy, working out every day, and doing everything I could to stay above water. Most of the month was spent in some pretty weird digestive pain, and at the exact 1-month-clean milestone I ended up in the ER getting abdominal surgery, which is probably my top phobia in the world (anxiety people can probably relate). What was even stranger was that I had predicted this would happen 2 years earlier and that was part of my reason for quitting drinking - I wanted to avoid having this happen at all costs and I still failed.

Now my wife is dealing with a death in her family and I'm just getting existentially bummed, even though my anxiety and depression levels are probably at an all-time low since recovering from surgery and continuing to eat healthy, stay sober, etc. I just feel like we're on this planet now and we're going to die soon, which basically feels meaningless and stupid to me.

That dark part of my mind would just rather have a few beers each day (I was never really a heavy drinker, just a six-pack before bed was my 'happy' place) and just dim down the fact that everything kind of sucks. People die, illness happens, and honestly I'd rather just numb myself a little bit before my time to die naturally shows up.

Does anyone else feel like this? I'm trying to prevent relapsing but my mind does not give two dumplings about it anymore.

I absolutely can identify with these thoughts. I've felt this way for a while since having lost my dog in the fall and at the same time learning my mother has cancer. It just seems pointless sometimes and can drive you to drink. I know it's not normal to think this way but I can't seem to snap out of it.
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Old 05-01-2019, 03:39 PM
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Originally Posted by nez View Post
My wife got some life altering medical news a month ago. She could possibly have acute leukemia. She went for the blood work and we had been waiting for the results until finally yesterday they came. She does not have acute leukemia.

I could have numbed for the past month but because i didn't, I was able to be there for my wife. Numbing myself, would have robbed both my wife and me. Instead our relationship deepened, even after 30+ years.

Life has peaks and valleys. If it was all peaks, we would not appreciate the peaks and they would become blaise because that would be all we knew.

I know night because of day.
ThatsT such and excellent way to think about it. An old friend of mine who was in long term recovery subscribed to the Buddhist principle that life is suffering punctuated by periods of joy. We in the westeer world have been raised thinking everyday should be a great day filled with happiness. I think this mindset leads to widespread disappointment and further suffering
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