Everything hurts and I can't stop crying. God I just want to not feel stifling, suffocating emotional pain the entire time in awake.

i don't know if I can do this, this going back to the motel for six weeks. I really don't know if I'm supposed to be here st all anymore. Maybe I should just leave once I get my money. I don't know if I can tolerate a world where I work, come home and sit in a dark, dirty motel and eat garbage processed foods and fall asleep as bedbugs bite me.

I loved him so, so much. No one will ever love him like i did. And I hate him, because he's ripping my heart out right now.
I've never felt pain like this before.

There is so much more to say, but I'm going to try to go to the library and actually be productive today.