I don't think I've made myself very clear. I'm not talking about losing the relationship, that has well and truly gone. I'm talking about actually losing my whole life.
At the risk of going on about my story and sounding self pitying, I'll do a quick summary. I moved out of our house over a year ago. I was living at a neighbour's house, 2 minutes walk from mine, so I could be near my kids and keep working my farm. It was clear that I could no longer live with an alcoholic and that my husband would never stop drinking. By separating we both got what we wanted. We talked about building me a house on our farm so I could carry on running my business, tending my goats and he wouldn't be forced into selling the house that we built together. For a while I thought that might happen.
He went on a giant bender all summer, got a girlfriend. I got sick in September had a hysterectomy, got diagnosed with cancer, had a second operation and have now had the all clear from cancer but I am still being monitored and it's a long recovery from a second surgery.I've still got loads of hospital appointments. I can't work. My farm must be a total disaster zone by now and my goats died while they were staying with the neighbour.
So when I say I need a new life, it's not just the relationship I'm talking about. My husband has the house and the farm. He was never interested in the farm, that was my thing. I'm not strong enough to fight for it at the moment. I'm not strong enough to live there. At the moment I feel like I could never even bear to go back there.
I am renting a nice house in town where my kids come a lot. That is good. I will have no way to pay for it when the sickness benefits stop.
I've let go of what I've invested in the relationship but I find it hard to let go of the trees I planted, the business I built up and the childhood dream I realised. I had my own successful little working farm and I was happy with that even if my husband was always in the bar.
My farm did serve me and it's hard to let it go. I worked so hard on it. Yes, something else will come into my life but I am scared for my future.
My husband has behaved horribly throughout my illness. Yes that hurts and I'm perfectly able to move on without him but I just feel like I've got so little to work with at the moment.