January was a struggle
Seems like every year, January is awful. Part of me is like "stop saying that, it's a self-fulfilling prophecy," but I swear I always go into the month hoping for the best. Hoping it'll finally be different.
This year, I had high hopes and sure enough have been let down on numerous fronts, from financial problems to transportation problems to health issues in the family and of course, as someone with generalized anxiety, I found myself swimming in this feeling of uneasiness and tension as soon as the first ball dropped.
I have problems with getting angry and defensive when my anxiety levels are the highest, so not only am I having to cope with a bunch of awful circumstances, I'm pushing people away because I can't control my attitude or emotional outbursts. And I try so, so hard to focus on what IS positive (I really do believe that no matter how bad things get, it is possible to be grateful for things, even if they're simple like food/shelter)...it's just that the little anxious monster in my brain obsesses so hard on the negative, that the negative is all that comes out in my interactions with others. And then I get resentful when those around me say, "Just focus on the good," because I am trying to and I want nothing more than to let the positive things keep me "afloat" but I swear, I just feel like I take a step forward only to get kicked in the face.
I don't really even know what the point of this post is other than a rant. I'm just hoping that things start to get better.