Day 31
Alice - it’s great to hear from you. I’m sad that you drank again and that it gave you the hangover from hell but thank you for posting it up as a warning. Yes I suppose my life is full of stuff to do (when you put it like that) and the thought of you being lonelier by way of comparison really made me sad. It serves as a reminder to me how selfish I can be in not seeing things as blessings and opportunities as opposed to curses. I so much wish to just be left all alone at times - and it seems you wish for more interaction? I wonder if we all want what we don’t have as part of the natural human psyche? If we are drunk we want to be sober? If we are sober we wish we could drink? If we have a complicated job we wish for simplicity? If we have a dull job we crave more issues to sort? LOL - high powered business people going on trips to wear hessian sacks and sing in the woods all weekend barefoot comes to mind.... Anyhow Alice... thanks for being here if only briefly from the beloved Augustonians. Say hello to them from me.
I don’t know what else to write really? Last day of January. I’m 13 pounds lighter. I’ve been to the gym every day except four in the whole month. I’m stronger, fitter, healthier and more energetic. I’m richer. My wife is happier (much, much happier). I don’t want to drink.... but I don’t want to not drink (if that makes sense?) I know tomorrow won’t be a trigger as I have got really big things to do all day on Saturday, which means I’ll get over the hump of Friday night and the stuff to do SHOULD see me circumnavigate Saturday too. I’ve had that scenario playing out in my head for a couple of weeks now.
But after Dry January is gone and the weekend is over safely then I almost feel like I’m stepping into completely unplanned territory? I’m not sure what happens then and how I resist any triggers? I know I’m still massively vulnerable going into this time despite the fact that drinking ANY alcohol would make no sense whatsoever. It would give me nothing but a headache, regret, depression and most likely a period of rotten overall existence and a very upset wife.
So why do I feel so....... I don’t know..... uncertain what will happen? It should be a ‘no brainer’ shouldn’t it?
Love and Support
JT