Thank you one and all. I sometimes feel that I am not doing what is expected of me at AA meetings by staying silent and listening rather than sharing but as several of you have said there is a lot to be gained from hearing the stories of others.
I went to a meeting on Thursday evening and I came very close to sharing but there was another guy there who needed to share and spoke up several times and I felt that he needed to unburden himself more than I did.
Funnily enough I have just been through a very trying couple of day that had they happened a couple of months ago my reaction would have been to hit the bottle in frustration and anger.
Basically my Laptop won't connect wirelessly to the internet and I have a need to spend time online as I have to look for work. I could end up having my benefits stopped if I don't spend enough time looking for work and also seeking out training opportunities so the loss of my internet access was a big deal to me. But rather than resort to the oblivion and denial offered by my chosen drink I sat back, took a deep breath and then made myself a Cherry flavour tea and watched TV (Blockbusters re-runs for those who remember the show, lol).
Just being offline for 36 hours had an amazing effect on me. I slept better last night than I have in months and when I would usually have been online in the evening I picked up the Big Book and started reading it. I've had it since the week after I stopped drinking but never picked it up.
Now I wonder why. I have only got through to the end of Bills story but it has had a profound effect on me. I started by using a highlighter to pick out bits that stood out to me and soon found I had turned almost every page yellow, lol... I now understand what AA is about and feel that I do fit in and can say and be what/who I am without being judged.
It was a real lightbulb moment. I may not share for a while as I am still processing what I felt and learnt but I don't fear any more and I now understand what everyone else gets from being part of the fellowship.
It's still early days for me but I now feel more confident an able to embrace my alcoholism and know that it will not beat me.
Thank you to everyone for being here, I never really realised what a difference having a community I could be part of would have on me but between SR and my sudden understanding of AA I feel empowered and able to deal with and defeat those nagging cravings and that little voice in the back of my head that says one drink won't hurt.. No it won't hurt and not having that one drink won't hurt me either and where as one drink will inevitably to the second, third, tenth I now realise that not having the first will lead to not having the second, third, tenth and my life will be better for it....
Thank you again for listening...