Day 12
Went to bed at 9pm last night and finally threw the duvet off at 5am. Crikey - that’s almost normal hours! The sleep is still broken into 90 minute to 2 hour chunks and I can only put this down to coming out of the normal REM cycles. To be honest I’ve never had this broken sleep issue go on for quite so long in the past and I’m normally getting in 6-8 hours by now. Another sign that the addiction and damage was getting worse with time?
LiveLikeGold - are you sure the Las Vegas trip is a good idea? One thing I’ve learnt about early sobreity having tried and ultimately failed (many times) is to avoid situations where everyone else close to you is boozing. It’s hard to get away with being near strangers drinking, but when it is all your regular drinking friends.... nightmare. I was supposed to go to London on my day 5. I had tickets to the football all paid for and a rendezvous set up with friends. My wife had made other plans to be with her girl friends to do some shopping in London at the same time. It really made me feel awful to cancel as they are all great people and friends but I had to tell some white lies and avoid it. I knew I was just too vulnerable. Luckily my wife is 100% behind me and despite missing out on London she gave me her unconditional support.
Which I suppose brings me on to Red78 and that I posted previously that her partner was “abusive and controlling” for not respecting her views on avoiding parties and situations that could make her drink? I know you’re reading this Red and you also know, that I know, that you haven’t replied to me or messaged me since I wrote it (Red78 and I have been in a few classes together and shared private messages of support in the past). Red - I don’t take what I wrote back and I still stand by it 100% despite the fact it seems it might have upset you? I’m not here for your boyfriend - I’m here to try and get better and support people like you that are suffering with the same addiction and misery as I am. I always try and do this sensitively but occasionally I just post it as I see it. He keeps doing this to you over and over - and no I’m not “sick of hearing it” as you said to the group, but it does make me angry with your boyfriend - and I admit - frustrated with you - because you’re intelligent, young, sensitive, kind and have loads to live for. I think you deserve to be kinder to yourself and to live your life with someone that cherishes you and respects you. That’s the last I’ll say on that.
I’ve also been thinking of the times I have failed a bit more. 50 days came to a grinding halt in late January 2018. Then a period of 54 days was scuppered by my self destruct button in mid-September 2018. What am I going to do differently this time? How must I stop that happening? You see I have a massive issue with the concept of it being a ‘slip’. I’m sorry but I think that’s just weak minded bullcrap. I don’t ‘slip’. And.... sorry.... you all don’t ‘slip’ either. We RELAPSE. We make a decision (sometimes if we’re honest it is almost PLANNED as we can feel it coming slowly but surely). But regardless of the length of the run up we DECIDE to drink. It is not an accident. It might be regrettable, upsetting, disappointing and annoying but an ‘accident’ it is not.
So what is it? Do I not ‘want it’ enough? Is that what all this ultimately comes down to? Despite everything else do I want to drink more than I want to be present in my own life and face it on its own terms? I’m not sure... I just know that I don’t want to DELIBERATELY relapse again.
Love & Support
JT