Originally Posted by
trailmix 
Hi Wamama, wow that's a lot of stuff going on, I'm sorry you are in this tough spot, it's got to be very depressing (on its own, nevermind actually having depression).
As hopeful mentioned, living with someone with depression is stressful, really stressful and it sounds like he is not able/willing to be any kind of support for you. He may just not have it in him? No reflection on you btw - it just is.
You'll notice that when he mentions the PTSD he takes it personally? That bringing it up is taking a personal swipe at him? Now, I don't know what your previous conversations on the topic have been but if he thinks he is responsible (and obviously he does) he is defending himself (not helpful, of course).
tomsteve touched on relapse, I'm no alcoholism expert but that's what I'm reading here. Sounds like he is giving up, I really hope not.
All that said, that is HIS side of the street.
As for you, you must be questioning how long and how much you have to detach? How long do you go on being in a marriage where there is, for long stretches, absolutely no emotional support? The fact that you have to write him a letter to express your feelings is kind of a red flag.
I know both dandylion and I have mentioned Asperger's before, in relation to your Husband, have you noticed more in that direction now that he is sober?
The truth is the detachment will be as long as it will be. As you well know, trust is earned and you can't trust standing on sand. You put yourself out there and the sand shifts and that hurts.
Please keep taking care of yourself, reach out for as much support as you can get (including here). Have you researched depression support groups at all?
I think you might be right that he does take it personally regarding the PTSD. I let him know he inst the only alcoholic involved in my life thats caused damage, my mom was an A too. I guess he is supportive in ways of protecting me from triggers. He will go into my FIL house for everything so I dont to have contact with his A brother. Once we were at his fellows house (a sweet old man who I dont have much reaction to, as long as he stays at least 5 feet away) When we were picking apples he was aware of how close his friend got and would step between us. That a positive.
I love the analogy of the sand! Thats exactly right! Honestly, I've wanted to separate since before he quit, and I still do. Just until he gets himself together, for a year or so. Then go from there. I have exhausted every single option, called so many places, asked about so many programs.
I came up with a solution in buying an RV and living in the RV park I work at 1 day a week. I had counted on my dad and step mom to borrow enough to get a livable RV. Then when I sell it give the money back to them. They have traveled the US for 3 years, they have a massive, tour bus style RV. My dad has plenty financially. He helps support my end stage A sister because she doesn't have enough for bills, because she drinks it away. I haven't asked him for money in 7 or 8 years. He can send me $100 a month to help. His 401 K took a dive and blah blah blah.
Oh my gosh that was a kick in the gut! I cried for days. All of our girls would try to help, they have young families of their own, but I could sleep on an air mattress in the living room if I had to. Not a permanent solution, but Id never be homeless.
So Im rambling, thanks for reading and your helpful thoughts.