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Old 01-10-2019, 01:41 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Do RA's normally turn into a complete a** when they get close to 1 year!?


I've been really down on myself the past few months because we are in dire financial straights because I can't work. My Bipolar depression has not been well controlled this past year, m due to a bunch of things I realized I needed to work on, and the PTSD issue is really affecting my life. Add in my RAH with his ups and downs, our marriage, helping our boys etc.

My RAH has been stuck (his words) on step 4 for several months. He said his sponser has been encouraging him to start step 4, and a few people at his AA meetings have been encouraging him to start too.

He has become grouchier and more self absorbed. He says he's depressed and doesn't have much motivation. Knowing that, I must have been crazy to think I could count on him for some support.

I see a councelor twice a month, she is wonderful and I'm making good progress. I have shared with her that my depression has gotten worse. This past week, my thoughts before I fall asleep are " I really don't care if I wake up in the morning." I'm not suicidal, I've suffered from depression for 25 plus years. I know when that thought creeps in I need a med change. So don't be worried, I got this. I wrote my husband a letter, which I do on occasion, when something is too painful to talk about. How I feel like a loser because I can't work, I feel embarrassed and ridiculous when I get triggered with the PTSD, knowing whatever drunk person I see can't hurt me.

I gave him the letter. Two days later he hadn't said anything about it. I asked him if he read it, he did. I told him it was really hard for me to open up and lay out my insecurities like that. It's something I'm working on in therapy. It's not as hard as I thought it would be ��

He asked what I had expected from him reading it. I said I just expected some reassurance from him that I wasn't a loser, he could see I was really trying? Then I get the "expectations lead to resentment" line. I told him it's completely normal to expect support from a spouse. He says there is no normal, what is normal?! And walked out.

Tonight I tried talking to him, to say it took a lot for me to open up to him and admit those things. He then started criticizing the very things I asked for support on.

He says he can't understand the whole PTSD thing, what's my problem, and that it's been a year since he quit and I'm still stuck on it, I haven't made any progress, and that it's not up to him to clean up my side of the street. I didn't ask him to fix it! Just to offer some kind of support. He's capable of saying "you're working hard, you'll get there." Six little words! My 8 year old grandaughter can do that! And also I'm "blowing things out of proportion and just being difficult".

He has never, not even when he was drinking, been so cruel to me. He has never taken what I've confided in him and used it to attack me. That's the last time I'll open up to him.

I don't know what's going on with him. But I've stuck it out through his hard times in recovery, I've waited for him to work through the demons he had to face. I've been mostly patient waiting for him to make changes so he can act like a grown a** man and be a contributing member of the marriage. I didn't even want to work on the marriage, he did.

But he's made big changes and he's come a long way. Our marriage slowly came back. All that stopped a few months ago.

I'm not saying I've been a saint, I have been moody and depressed myself, sometimes downright unpleasant, at times. I know so many of you have been horribly abused, both physically and emotionally. This might seem like small potatoes to you. But the scope of me making a huge leap and opening up to him, and him using it to hurt me, is a huge thing.

I don't want to even be in the same room with him, much less drive him anywhere. He can figure out his own way to meetings and anywhere else he wants to go. If he can't at least treat me with basic human kindness, he can walk. He has his cane and a flashlight, I'm sure someone will feel sorry for him and give him a ride. Or not. I don't care.

Honestly, I don't think there's any coming back from this. The trust that had been very slowly built is gone. The past few days I'm sure the boys have felt the tension.

My 17 year old has really come a long way this past year, kind of working on his own recovery. But since yesterday he's been telling me he feels nauseated, his stomach hurts and he's biting his hands again. I've been sick to my stomach for 2 days because I know what that means

In the morning he will find out I've moved back into my own room, and I'm scared. What he's doing is a pre-cursor to meltdowns.

Neither one of us is strong enough to hold him down anymore. He's 6 feet tall and very strong! It destroys me to see him biting himself and banging his head into things until he bleeds. I'm crying my eyes out the whole time he's in a meltdown. We send our 12 year old to our room and tell him to lock the door. When the meltdown is over he just cries and cries and says he's sorry. It rips my heart in two!

Any advice on what to tell my son about me moving into my own room again is welcomed. What my RAH has said to me may not seem like a big deal to you, but it is teetering on the edge of a deal breaker for me. I'm sick of waiting for him to get his crap together!

My granddaughter had her tonsils taken out yesterday. I'm going to visit her, take a bunch of board games and craft materials and have some fun. ��
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Old 01-10-2019, 02:49 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Hi Wamama,

Doing Step 4 for the first time and getting grouchy is a real thing. My sponsor, my home group and from my own experience there is a lot that starts going on in approaching this deeper stuff we haven't taken a close look at before. Some people don't experience it like this. Many do. HP guides us through in many ways.

“Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.”


What helps with your depression, especially during these winter months?


the scope of me making a huge leap and opening up to him, and him using it to hurt me, is a huge thing.

Him hurting you is not okay. Period.

I'm sick of waiting for him to get his crap together!

You don't need to.
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Old 01-10-2019, 02:58 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Our marriage slowly came back. All that stopped a few months ago.

It's important to recognize this difference. (((hugs)))
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Old 01-10-2019, 07:13 AM   #4 (permalink)
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I am so sorry you are hurting. The reality is, someone being sober does not make them a nice or changed person. I think after a period of time, when they get back to their day to day, you begin to see who they really are. The other reality, and I absolutely say this kindly, is that living with someone who is depressed is stressful. I say this because he is working on both, his sobriety, and living with a depressed person. Add in family stress and financial stress....it's a lot to deal with. I am certainly not defending him, I am just saying he may be in a place that he is barely holding it together for himself and truly has nothing to give right now. Only you can decide if that is acceptable. Him being hurtful is wrong, and is that who he is now?? I don't know. I can see you likely don't either.

I encourage you to get out and have more face to face support. If that means support groups, meetings, whatever. Walk in, be open, be honest. Make connections with people who are in the place to be of support to you.

It's wonderful that you are in therapy and finding that beneficial. Stay the course. It's up and down, but pays off in the end.

Sending you huge hugs friend. You deserve to be treated with kindness. We all do.
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Old 01-10-2019, 07:35 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wamama48 View Post

My RAH has been stuck (his words) on step 4 for several months. He said his sponser has been encouraging him to start step 4, and a few people at his AA meetings have been encouraging him to start too.

He has become grouchier and more self absorbed. He says he's depressed and doesn't have much motivation. Knowing that, I must have been crazy to think I could count on him for some support.
i could comment on a bit:
a person that has completed the first 3 steps will jump into the 4th without hesitation. one line from the BB that came to mind:
Though our decision was a vital and crucial step, it could have little permanent effect unless
at once
. not next week or next month.
followed by a strenuous effort to face, and to be rid of, the things in ourselves which had been blocking us.

many many times ive seen people get to step 4 and pause. many end drinking again. many are a dry drunk until that drink happens .others pop their heads outta their buts and continue with the steps.

it might be wise to not count on someone that is mentally unavailable for support

p.s.
on this
Do RA's normally turn into a complete a** when they get close to 1 year!?
anyone who isnt working to change- yes they do.
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Old 01-10-2019, 07:48 AM   #6 (permalink)
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I'm sorry you are hurting Wamama. This is some tough stuff you and your husband are both enduring. It stands to reason that feelings are raw. I know that doesn't make it feel any better.

You have every right to protect yourself and to follow your instincts about what that means to and for you. We all only have a limited amount of giving before we start depleting ourselves... it kind of sounds like you are getting to this point and need to take a breather. Take all the breaths you need! I think letting your husband fend for himself a bit is a good idea. Set that burden down, give your shoulders a break. Walk away when he is being less than you deserve. I know it also stands to reason that we want support from our spouses, but unfortunately it sounds like your husband is still too broken to be that source...for now. You have done a great job of working on YOU, I think you need to keep doing that without expecting him to be your leaning post. We can be that for you, others can be that, but I don't think he is ready yet. He is probably barely managing to hold himself together. I know that's a bitter, bitter pill.

You asked about what to tell your son about you sleeping in another room. I don't know how many questions he would ask, but can you just tell him something like, " I'm just more comfortable in spare bed." ? It wouldn't be a lie and doesn't offer more info then he needs. I know you are concerned about overloading his circuits. I can only imagine how exhausting it is having this extra challenge on top of what you are already dealing with. I'm a mom, my heart goes out to you.

***BIG HUGS***
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Old 01-10-2019, 08:31 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Just try to keep it simple.

You can't control your husband. You can't control your son. You can control you.

When I was newly sober and being pressured at AA to do the steps I was still so raw emotionally - and there is pressure from all sides. I also had Complex PTSD, so I do understand the jumpiness and desire to fix it all so there can be quiet in my head. It takes time. Way longer than one year, for both of you.

I hope you can just let it be for a while. Those are some big expectations you have, I have to agree there.

Just as an aside, I could never share a bed with anyone again after being single so many years. Lots of people in marriages have their own beds and bedrooms. It's not unusual at all. So much snoring and cover-stealing!
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Old 01-10-2019, 10:20 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Recovering alcoholics aren't all the same and it's impossible to generalize about their state of mind. A lot depends on how long they drank and quantities consumed; were drugs involved and the depth of their recovery program. Yes, step four is a tough one but we do it anyway .......... or we don't and eventually drink.

Quote:
He says he can't understand the whole PTSD thing, what's my problem, and that it's been a year since he quit and I'm still stuck on it, I haven't made any progress, and that it's not up to him to clean up my side of the street. I didn't ask him to fix it! Just to offer some kind of support. He's capable of saying "you're working hard, you'll get there." S
It's my observation that expectations screw up more relationships than practically anything else. My relationships improved the more I let expectations go.

Sounds like a very stressful situation and I hope you both get through it. Big hug.
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Old 01-10-2019, 10:52 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Wamama48 View Post
He says he can't understand the whole PTSD thing, what's my problem, and that it's been a year since he quit and I'm still stuck on it, I haven't made any progress, and that it's not up to him to clean up my side of the street. I didn't ask him to fix it! Just to offer some kind of support. He's capable of saying "you're working hard, you'll get there." Six little words! My 8 year old grandaughter can do that! And also I'm "blowing things out of proportion and just being difficult".
Hi Wamama, wow that's a lot of stuff going on, I'm sorry you are in this tough spot, it's got to be very depressing (on its own, nevermind actually having depression).

As hopeful mentioned, living with someone with depression is stressful, really stressful and it sounds like he is not able/willing to be any kind of support for you. He may just not have it in him? No reflection on you btw - it just is.

You'll notice that when he mentions the PTSD he takes it personally? That bringing it up is taking a personal swipe at him? Now, I don't know what your previous conversations on the topic have been but if he thinks he is responsible (and obviously he does) he is defending himself (not helpful, of course).

tomsteve touched on relapse, I'm no alcoholism expert but that's what I'm reading here. Sounds like he is giving up, I really hope not.

All that said, that is HIS side of the street.

As for you, you must be questioning how long and how much you have to detach? How long do you go on being in a marriage where there is, for long stretches, absolutely no emotional support? The fact that you have to write him a letter to express your feelings is kind of a red flag.

I know both dandylion and I have mentioned Asperger's before, in relation to your Husband, have you noticed more in that direction now that he is sober?

The truth is the detachment will be as long as it will be. As you well know, trust is earned and you can't trust standing on sand. You put yourself out there and the sand shifts and that hurts.

Please keep taking care of yourself, reach out for as much support as you can get (including here). Have you researched depression support groups at all?
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Old 01-10-2019, 11:00 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Also wanted to mention this post by firesprite:

Quote:
Originally Posted by FireSprite View Post
This last year has had me running from crisis to crisis, plunging up & down on fast moving roller coasters of emotions, full of innumerable changes big & small.

I found that even when I was practicing self-care during all of this, I was emptying that cup as fast as I was filling it. So while I wasn't dissolving on a daily basis, I still wasn't operating at 100% & when I practiced self-care I was mostly bringing my levels back up to "just enough". I was never getting ahead or even feeling the full benefits of anything I was doing - but I wasn't rapidly degenerating either.
Are you doing enough for yourself?

The quote is from honeypig's thread:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ml#post7095054 (Take care of yourself)
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Old 01-10-2019, 12:07 PM   #11 (permalink)
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alwayscovering…...I want to tell you how impressed I am with how hard you have worked, through this whole thing.....lol...you are nothing, if not tenacious! That is a blessing gift of character. Those who "make it" are those who never give up and who have the trait of tenaciousness.....

As I remember, you and your son find a lot of soothing--,out in nature.... and gathering and working on your rare plants and herbs.....Perhaps, it would help to spend more time, with him, out in the wilderness.....right now....
It seems like he really picks up on your moods and tensions...?
As for sleeping in the other room....I would simply say some thing simple---like that you can get better sleep in a bed by yourself....Maybe, talk to him about it when on a long nature walk...?
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Old 01-10-2019, 12:12 PM   #12 (permalink)
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I don't think it has anything to do with time specifically, but the work involved in recovering that goes beyond just staying sober.

Quote:
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I know both dandylion and I have mentioned Asperger's before, in relation to your Husband, have you noticed more in that direction now that he is sober?
This was my thought too - especially because, like I've mentioned so many times, ADHD is a bigger monster to manage in our world than addiction is. I know you don't believe your husband displays classic autism-like behaviors, but Asperger's, ADHD & other "isms" can equally impact someone's ability to feel & display empathy. My husband has had to practice this behavior & he still struggles all the time - inadvertently shutting me down in conversation without realizing he's doing "It" again until he sees the look on my face, 'cuz, ya know.... I thought we'd grown past this already so I get caught by surprise too. I'm no saint.

It just happened the other night & while initially it upset me that he was so callous, I also had to recognize that the moment he realized it, he backed up & tried to fix it. I had to unclench & let. it. go.

IF - IF!!! - this is even remotely plausible then this:

Quote:
"He's capable of saying "you're working hard, you'll get there." Six little words! My 8 year old grandaughter can do that!"
....might not be true. He might NOT be able to see how this whole situation could've been different with the "right" 6 little words.

You ABSOLUTLEY deserve support. But you also have to be realistic about what he is capable of giving. IF he has underlying, undiagnosed issues that impact his empathy, you can't have expectations that one day he'll just "get it". It's like trying to get blood from a stone.
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Old 01-10-2019, 03:41 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Quote:
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I don't think it has anything to do with time specifically, but the work involved in recovering that goes beyond just staying sober.



This was my thought too - especially because, like I've mentioned so many times, ADHD is a bigger monster to manage in our world than addiction is. I know you don't believe your husband displays classic autism-like behaviors, but Asperger's, ADHD & other "isms" can equally impact someone's ability to feel & display empathy. My husband has had to practice this behavior & he still struggles all the time - inadvertently shutting me down in conversation without realizing he's doing "It" again until he sees the look on my face, 'cuz, ya know.... I thought we'd grown past this already so I get caught by surprise too. I'm no saint.

It just happened the other night & while initially it upset me that he was so callous, I also had to recognize that the moment he realized it, he backed up & tried to fix it. I had to unclench & let. it. go.

IF - IF!!! - this is even remotely plausible then this:



....might not be true. He might NOT be able to see how this whole situation could've been different with the "right" 6 little words.

You ABSOLUTLEY deserve support. But you also have to be realistic about what he is capable of giving. IF he has underlying, undiagnosed issues that impact his empathy, you can't have expectations that one day he'll just "get it". It's like trying to get blood from a stone.
I can imagine living with a depressed person isn't easy. I've had a regression in that it used to be under control. I've shared with him that its bad RIGHT NOW, but it wont always be. Easier for me to say because I'm not on the receiving end.

I have considered Aspergers. I've thought about it a lot. I've done some research. I know two boys with Aspergers, several other kids besides mine that have Autism. I just dont see Aspergers, or Autism in him.

Recently he told me another bit about his childhood that makes sense in what I've suspected. He started sneaking beer when he was 12. By the time he was 15, he, and his brothers and friends, were pressured to have a good time by his dad and his dads friends. He said he started drinking heavy at that age, knowing he didn't have to hide it and being encouraged to do it.

Since he was usually drunk (even running home during lunch in high school to drink) he just never learned to feel any negative emotion. He also never learned to handle those emotions. He also never learned how women work. Honestly, my 17 and even my 12 year old son know more about how women work than he does. Growing up with four older sisters helps,LOL

So I think that is the problem. He asked me if I had an age to put him at emotionally when he first quit, what would it be? I told him in my opinion it would be that of a 5 year old. Recently he asked what age I would consider him now. I told him a 16 year old in some areas, a 53 year old man in other areas. So hes getting there, progress.

He is capable of empathy, kindness and compassion. I saw it in him while we were dating (close to a year) and the first two years we were married. I saw it for several months in the middle of his recovery. Then, by his own admission, he got stuck on step 4 and it went downhill from there. In what you said Firesprite, and what Tomsteve touched on also, makes sense to me regarding the backwards slide..."I don't think it has anything to do with time specifically, but the work involved in recovering that goes beyond just staying sober."

He did apologize this afternoon. But I just cant have a marital relationship with a man who is so unstable and emotionally unavailable. Its sad this has to happen on his one year anniversary, which should be a day of celebration for him, but Im going to tell him I have to detach until further down the road when he is stable and available. The huge thing I did in sharing with him what I did, and him using it to hurt me, is a deal breaker for me. I walked out of the living room to the bedroom during the discussion, and he followed me and continued to say hurtful things.

Anyway, thank you for helping me and reading my always loooong posts.
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Old 01-10-2019, 03:46 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tomsteve View Post
i could comment on a bit:
a person that has completed the first 3 steps will jump into the 4th without hesitation. one line from the BB that came to mind:
Though our decision was a vital and crucial step, it could have little permanent effect unless
at once
. not next week or next month.
followed by a strenuous effort to face, and to be rid of, the things in ourselves which had been blocking us.

many many times ive seen people get to step 4 and pause. many end drinking again. many are a dry drunk until that drink happens .others pop their heads outta their buts and continue with the steps.

it might be wise to not count on someone that is mentally unavailable for support

p.s.
on this
Do RA's normally turn into a complete a** when they get close to 1 year!?
anyone who isnt working to change- yes they do.

Thank you for your take on things from a RA perspective. Mid way in his recovery he was emotionally available and supportive. We were beginning to be happy and make a lot of marital progress. Then, by his own admission, he got stuck on step 4 and it went downhill from there. I suspected that might be the reason for the backwards slide, but wasn't sure. At least I know now what the problem is, and that IF he gets back with the program, he will get back to progressing.
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Old 01-10-2019, 03:48 PM   #15 (permalink)
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I'm sorry you are hurting Wamama. This is some tough stuff you and your husband are both enduring. It stands to reason that feelings are raw. I know that doesn't make it feel any better.

You have every right to protect yourself and to follow your instincts about what that means to and for you. We all only have a limited amount of giving before we start depleting ourselves... it kind of sounds like you are getting to this point and need to take a breather. Take all the breaths you need! I think letting your husband fend for himself a bit is a good idea. Set that burden down, give your shoulders a break. Walk away when he is being less than you deserve. I know it also stands to reason that we want support from our spouses, but unfortunately it sounds like your husband is still too broken to be that source...for now. You have done a great job of working on YOU, I think you need to keep doing that without expecting him to be your leaning post. We can be that for you, others can be that, but I don't think he is ready yet. He is probably barely managing to hold himself together. I know that's a bitter, bitter pill.

You asked about what to tell your son about you sleeping in another room. I don't know how many questions he would ask, but can you just tell him something like, " I'm just more comfortable in spare bed." ? It wouldn't be a lie and doesn't offer more info then he needs. I know you are concerned about overloading his circuits. I can only imagine how exhausting it is having this extra challenge on top of what you are already dealing with. I'm a mom, my heart goes out to you.

***BIG HUGS***
Thank you. Yes, regarding our son, its always best to keep it simple, thank you for that reminder. He seems better today. Dad has him out chopping firewood, and I know with boys, physical work helps them a lot.
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Old 01-10-2019, 04:07 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Hi Wamama, wow that's a lot of stuff going on, I'm sorry you are in this tough spot, it's got to be very depressing (on its own, nevermind actually having depression).

As hopeful mentioned, living with someone with depression is stressful, really stressful and it sounds like he is not able/willing to be any kind of support for you. He may just not have it in him? No reflection on you btw - it just is.

You'll notice that when he mentions the PTSD he takes it personally? That bringing it up is taking a personal swipe at him? Now, I don't know what your previous conversations on the topic have been but if he thinks he is responsible (and obviously he does) he is defending himself (not helpful, of course).

tomsteve touched on relapse, I'm no alcoholism expert but that's what I'm reading here. Sounds like he is giving up, I really hope not.

All that said, that is HIS side of the street.

As for you, you must be questioning how long and how much you have to detach? How long do you go on being in a marriage where there is, for long stretches, absolutely no emotional support? The fact that you have to write him a letter to express your feelings is kind of a red flag.

I know both dandylion and I have mentioned Asperger's before, in relation to your Husband, have you noticed more in that direction now that he is sober?

The truth is the detachment will be as long as it will be. As you well know, trust is earned and you can't trust standing on sand. You put yourself out there and the sand shifts and that hurts.

Please keep taking care of yourself, reach out for as much support as you can get (including here). Have you researched depression support groups at all?
I think you might be right that he does take it personally regarding the PTSD. I let him know he inst the only alcoholic involved in my life thats caused damage, my mom was an A too. I guess he is supportive in ways of protecting me from triggers. He will go into my FIL house for everything so I dont to have contact with his A brother. Once we were at his fellows house (a sweet old man who I dont have much reaction to, as long as he stays at least 5 feet away) When we were picking apples he was aware of how close his friend got and would step between us. That a positive.

I love the analogy of the sand! Thats exactly right! Honestly, I've wanted to separate since before he quit, and I still do. Just until he gets himself together, for a year or so. Then go from there. I have exhausted every single option, called so many places, asked about so many programs.

I came up with a solution in buying an RV and living in the RV park I work at 1 day a week. I had counted on my dad and step mom to borrow enough to get a livable RV. Then when I sell it give the money back to them. They have traveled the US for 3 years, they have a massive, tour bus style RV. My dad has plenty financially. He helps support my end stage A sister because she doesn't have enough for bills, because she drinks it away. I haven't asked him for money in 7 or 8 years. He can send me $100 a month to help. His 401 K took a dive and blah blah blah.

Oh my gosh that was a kick in the gut! I cried for days. All of our girls would try to help, they have young families of their own, but I could sleep on an air mattress in the living room if I had to. Not a permanent solution, but Id never be homeless.

So Im rambling, thanks for reading and your helpful thoughts.
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Old 01-10-2019, 04:08 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
Also wanted to mention this post by firesprite:



Are you doing enough for yourself?

The quote is from honeypig's thread:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ml#post7095054 (Take care of yourself)
This is it EXACTLY!!! Thank you for sharing.
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Old 01-10-2019, 09:13 PM   #18 (permalink)
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alwayscovering…...I want to tell you how impressed I am with how hard you have worked, through this whole thing.....lol...you are nothing, if not tenacious! That is a blessing gift of character. Those who "make it" are those who never give up and who have the trait of tenaciousness.....

As I remember, you and your son find a lot of soothing--,out in nature.... and gathering and working on your rare plants and herbs.....Perhaps, it would help to spend more time, with him, out in the wilderness.....right now....
It seems like he really picks up on your moods and tensions...?
As for sleeping in the other room....I would simply say some thing simple---like that you can get better sleep in a bed by yourself....Maybe, talk to him about it when on a long nature walk...?
Thanks Dandy. I noticed you replaced my "stubborn" that I used to use, with "tenacious"that you suggested a while back. I see what you did there LOL!!!
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Old 01-10-2019, 09:29 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Recovering alcoholics aren't all the same and it's impossible to generalize about their state of mind. A lot depends on how long they drank and quantities consumed; were drugs involved and the depth of their recovery program. Yes, step four is a tough one but we do it anyway .......... or we don't and eventually drink.



It's my observation that expectations screw up more relationships than practically anything else. My relationships improved the more I let expectations go.

Sounds like a very stressful situation and I hope you both get through it. Big hug.
He has said the same thing about expectations. Without expectations, there is no order. Laws are made as a basis of expected human behaviour. We are expected to obey traffic laws to keep us safe.

Relationships are built on expectations. I expect my husband will not sleep with other women, I expect he will not yell at me or throw things at me. I also expect him to be someone I can trust enough to open up to. Being a parent is full of expectations. My children trust and expect I will take care of them.

I don't understand lowering your expectations. I lowered my expectations of him to ground level when he was drinking. It didn't help me at all.

Please explain this to me. I'm not being sarcastic, I really want to know.
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Old 01-10-2019, 11:22 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Relationships are built on expectations. I expect my husband will not sleep with other women, I expect he will not yell at me or throw things at me. I also expect him to be someone I can trust enough to open up to. Being a parent is full of expectations. My children trust and expect I will take care of them.

I don't understand lowering your expectations. I lowered my expectations of him to ground level when he was drinking. It didn't help me at all.

Please explain this to me. I'm not being sarcastic, I really want to know.
**It's gonna sound like like I'm an ass,but I'm fine with that**

Why not remove yourself and the 'kids' out of the situation entirely? Your disdain,for him, is well documented on here and I just can't wrap my mind around why you'd stay..is it purely financial?..you said "end of my rope"..what's that mean to you?...could you get a place next week?..If not that should be your goal..plans put into action allow change.

Again..not trying to be an ass.
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