Originally Posted by
FireSprite 
I don't think it has anything to do with time specifically, but the work involved in recovering that goes beyond just staying sober.
This was my thought too - especially because, like I've mentioned so many times, ADHD is a bigger monster to manage in our world than addiction is. I know you don't believe your husband displays classic autism-like behaviors, but Asperger's, ADHD & other "isms" can equally impact someone's ability to feel & display empathy. My husband has had to
practice this behavior & he still struggles all the time - inadvertently shutting me down in conversation without realizing he's doing "It" again until he sees the look on my face, 'cuz, ya know.... I thought we'd grown past this already so I get caught by surprise too. I'm no saint.
It just happened the other night & while initially it upset me that he was so callous, I also had to recognize that the moment he realized it, he backed up & tried to fix it. I had to unclench & let. it. go.
IF - IF!!! - this is even remotely plausible then this:
....might not be true. He might NOT be able to see how this whole situation could've been different with the "right" 6 little words.
You ABSOLUTLEY deserve support. But you also have to be realistic about what he is capable of giving. IF he has underlying, undiagnosed issues that impact his empathy, you can't have expectations that one day he'll just "get it". It's like trying to get blood from a stone.
I can imagine living with a depressed person isn't easy. I've had a regression in that it used to be under control. I've shared with him that its bad RIGHT NOW, but it wont always be. Easier for me to say because I'm not on the receiving end.
I have considered Aspergers. I've thought about it a lot. I've done some research. I know two boys with Aspergers, several other kids besides mine that have Autism. I just dont see Aspergers, or Autism in him.
Recently he told me another bit about his childhood that makes sense in what I've suspected. He started sneaking beer when he was 12. By the time he was 15, he, and his brothers and friends, were pressured to have a good time by his dad and his dads friends. He said he started drinking heavy at that age, knowing he didn't have to hide it and being encouraged to do it.
Since he was usually drunk (even running home during lunch in high school to drink) he just never learned to feel any negative emotion. He also never learned to handle those emotions. He also never learned how women work. Honestly, my 17 and even my 12 year old son know more about how women work than he does. Growing up with four older sisters helps,LOL
So I think that is the problem. He asked me if I had an age to put him at emotionally when he first quit, what would it be? I told him in my opinion it would be that of a 5 year old. Recently he asked what age I would consider him now. I told him a 16 year old in some areas, a 53 year old man in other areas. So hes getting there, progress.
He is capable of empathy, kindness and compassion. I saw it in him while we were dating (close to a year) and the first two years we were married.
I saw it for several months in the middle of his recovery. Then, by his own admission, he got stuck on step 4 and it went downhill from there. In what you said
Firesprite, and what
Tomsteve touched on also, makes sense to me regarding the backwards slide..."I don't think it has anything to do with time specifically, but the work involved in recovering that goes beyond just staying sober."
He did apologize this afternoon. But I just cant have a marital relationship with a man who is so unstable and emotionally unavailable. Its sad this has to happen on his one year anniversary, which should be a day of celebration for him, but Im going to tell him I have to detach until further down the road when he is stable and available. The huge thing I did in sharing with him what I did, and him using it to hurt me, is a deal breaker for me. I walked out of the living room to the bedroom during the discussion, and he followed me and continued to say hurtful things.
Anyway, thank you for helping me and reading my always loooong posts.