Hard Night
Hi all.
Well...it's New Years Eve, and I'm alone. Not completely alone as I live with family, but alone in that I'm not with friends, and of course, no longer with my ex. He is who I had planned on being with through the holidays. It was to be our first holiday season together (we were broken up in past seasons and he was in prison during those breakups as well) and we talked about it a lot when he was still locked up and supposedly clean and wanting to stay clean and build a life together. Just read my prior posts if interested in how that ended.
I'm feeling depressed. I've really worked hard at trying to look at the positive side of things, but this night it's all hitting me hard. I don't work due to physical limitations, so I don't meet many people. I have no income, so I don't put myself out there b/c I don't want to be 'that person'. The one who never has money and always has to turn things down b/c of it, but it being too personal to explain why.
Then I had a falling out with one 'friend' I thought I had b/c she was always flaking on me and I finally called her on it. We texted all the time and we talked on the phone often. We'd hung out a few times before, but when it came to hanging out, she just always had something coming up. That was before Christmas. I haven't heard from her since. The ball was in her court as I sent the last text and said my peace. She still follows me on IG and looks at my stories, which I think is weird being she isn't talking to me. I can say that last night I did run into a girl I met last year, and we really clicked the night we hung out, but it just never got off the ground. We talked on the phone here and there, but never hung out again. I tend to cut myself off from people b/c of my financial situation. She's really sweet and I think I will put effort into seeing if we can build a friendship and she seems to really want to also.
A lot of you also know my grandma passed the day before Thanksgiving and that's hitting me hard as well. I miss her so much. My mom recently injured her back and is in a lot of pain. I deal with pain also and I feel bad b/c there's some things I just cannot do to help her. The things I've already picked up are aggravating the pain I already have. I feel so bad for her. We had our heat and hot water go out on the same day last Friday. Thankfully my stepdad was able to get a new water heater and put it in yesterday, so we have hot water now (thank God..lol), but still no heat. We do have space heaters and I'm very thankful for that.
It's just been incredibly stressful y'all and I'm having a down moment. I'm nowhere near where I want to be in life and I feel lonely and just sad right now. Every time I think of my ex I get so angry at how he left me and had no regard for my feelings at all. I mean he couldn't at least call and say something? Anything? Just gone. Ugh. I'm just annoyed right now. Thanks for letting me vent.
Unlike my night, I hope y'alls is much better and that you have a great New Year.