Hard Night

Old 12-31-2018, 07:51 PM
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Hard Night

Hi all.

Well...it's New Years Eve, and I'm alone. Not completely alone as I live with family, but alone in that I'm not with friends, and of course, no longer with my ex. He is who I had planned on being with through the holidays. It was to be our first holiday season together (we were broken up in past seasons and he was in prison during those breakups as well) and we talked about it a lot when he was still locked up and supposedly clean and wanting to stay clean and build a life together. Just read my prior posts if interested in how that ended.

I'm feeling depressed. I've really worked hard at trying to look at the positive side of things, but this night it's all hitting me hard. I don't work due to physical limitations, so I don't meet many people. I have no income, so I don't put myself out there b/c I don't want to be 'that person'. The one who never has money and always has to turn things down b/c of it, but it being too personal to explain why.

Then I had a falling out with one 'friend' I thought I had b/c she was always flaking on me and I finally called her on it. We texted all the time and we talked on the phone often. We'd hung out a few times before, but when it came to hanging out, she just always had something coming up. That was before Christmas. I haven't heard from her since. The ball was in her court as I sent the last text and said my peace. She still follows me on IG and looks at my stories, which I think is weird being she isn't talking to me. I can say that last night I did run into a girl I met last year, and we really clicked the night we hung out, but it just never got off the ground. We talked on the phone here and there, but never hung out again. I tend to cut myself off from people b/c of my financial situation. She's really sweet and I think I will put effort into seeing if we can build a friendship and she seems to really want to also.

A lot of you also know my grandma passed the day before Thanksgiving and that's hitting me hard as well. I miss her so much. My mom recently injured her back and is in a lot of pain. I deal with pain also and I feel bad b/c there's some things I just cannot do to help her. The things I've already picked up are aggravating the pain I already have. I feel so bad for her. We had our heat and hot water go out on the same day last Friday. Thankfully my stepdad was able to get a new water heater and put it in yesterday, so we have hot water now (thank God..lol), but still no heat. We do have space heaters and I'm very thankful for that.

It's just been incredibly stressful y'all and I'm having a down moment. I'm nowhere near where I want to be in life and I feel lonely and just sad right now. Every time I think of my ex I get so angry at how he left me and had no regard for my feelings at all. I mean he couldn't at least call and say something? Anything? Just gone. Ugh. I'm just annoyed right now. Thanks for letting me vent.

Unlike my night, I hope y'alls is much better and that you have a great New Year.
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Old 12-31-2018, 08:53 PM
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You are not alone - you are with the person who lives you most - YOU! YOU won’t sacrifice happiness for someone else. YOU only wants what is best to secure your future. And WE are right there with you.

Wishing you a much better 2019!!
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Old 12-31-2018, 09:44 PM
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Originally Posted by Vinificent View Post
You are not alone - you are with the person who lives you most - YOU! YOU won’t sacrifice happiness for someone else. YOU only wants what is best to secure your future. And WE are right there with you.

Wishing you a much better 2019!!
Thank you so much. That means a lot to me. I wish a great year for you as well.
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Old 12-31-2018, 09:58 PM
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I hope that 2019 will be better for you Gemini

It wasn't really that long ago that I was housebound with few friends and drinking round trhe clock to try and feel something.

Life got better when I quit drinking - not immediately...but inevitably
stay with us

D
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Old 12-31-2018, 10:27 PM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
I hope that 2019 will be better for you Gemini

It wasn't really that long ago that I was housebound with few friends and drinking round trhe clock to try and feel something.

Life got better when I quit drinking - not immediately...but inevitably
stay with us

D
Thank you so much and congrats on getting sober. That is major! I know b/c alcoholism runs in my family. My dad got sober early last year and has actually stuck with it. I just recently found that out through my stepmom. I'm so proud of him. It's something to be very proud of.

I'm actually surprised I haven't become addicted to drugs or alcohol myself. I guess my drug of choice is food. I'm overweight, but not as overweight as I used to be as I lost a good amount last year. I now have to lose some of what I gained back and then pick up where I left off. I let my good habits go when my ex left me. Ugh.

I appreciate your support. I wish a great year for you as well.
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Old 12-31-2018, 11:01 PM
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I'm sorry that I misread the forum Gemini - it's been a long couple of days - but I think the thrust of my post still has some value - things can, and do, get better - don't lose hope!

D
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Old 01-01-2019, 12:01 AM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
I'm sorry that I misread the forum Gemini - it's been a long couple of days - but I think the thrust of my post still has some value - things can, and do, get better - don't lose hope!

D
Oh no worries at all. It was good advice, no matter the forum. Thank you so much.
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Old 01-01-2019, 12:34 AM
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Isn't it amazing how hurt and loneliness flip to anger and resentment without taking a minute for laughter? You deserve to smile. You listed several things that you can't do - maybe take a bit of time to write down things that you can do? Then take some baby steps towards your goals? A fresh start for a new year feels good :-) Congrats for your recent weight loss! Lots of people could use more encouragement to get going on something you've already started!
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Old 01-01-2019, 02:54 PM
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Originally Posted by JK130 View Post
Isn't it amazing how hurt and loneliness flip to anger and resentment without taking a minute for laughter? You deserve to smile. You listed several things that you can't do - maybe take a bit of time to write down things that you can do? Then take some baby steps towards your goals? A fresh start for a new year feels good :-) Congrats for your recent weight loss! Lots of people could use more encouragement to get going on something you've already started!
Thank you so much. I appreciate your encouraging words.
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Old 01-02-2019, 03:50 AM
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Hi gemini,

My husband passed suddenly and unexpectedly a little over 3 years ago. That first Christmas/New Year without him was brutal--can't lie. In the first 1.5 years after his passing, I was sick with something every month. I finally worked up the courage to just take control of what I could in my life. In spite of that, 2018 has been a challenging year and wish I could drive a tank over it, lol!

Anyway, all that to say that I'm sorry you've been feeling down. I get it!

Here's hoping for a brilliant 2019!!
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Old 01-02-2019, 04:05 PM
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Originally Posted by Seren View Post
Hi gemini,

My husband passed suddenly and unexpectedly a little over 3 years ago. That first Christmas/New Year without him was brutal--can't lie. In the first 1.5 years after his passing, I was sick with something every month. I finally worked up the courage to just take control of what I could in my life. In spite of that, 2018 has been a challenging year and wish I could drive a tank over it, lol!

Anyway, all that to say that I'm sorry you've been feeling down. I get it!

Here's hoping for a brilliant 2019!!
I'm so sorry about your husband. I can imagine that was indeed very brutal. The holidays without my grandma have been so hard. The holidays without my ex were really hard as well. I agree that we have to take control of what we can. I think for me, depression has played a big role in my lack of motivation. I have dealt with it in general for years off and on, so when depressing things happen, it obviously gets worse.

You should be so proud of yourself for doing what you can and getting through all of that and life in general. Thank you, I hope you have a great 2019 also!
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Old 01-02-2019, 09:15 PM
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Hi Gem, I feel a little like you, in that I've just had a final break with a long-term friend, my daughter has made it clear she has no time for me at the moment and I'm feeling pretty depressed. Not about me though, just to say I understand a little of how you feel.
I was wondering if there are forums or meetings for people in your situation, maybe not physical challenges but with v little spare cash? Dare I suggest a church, because I know they are big in the US, and have lots of side activities? As an atheist I wouldn't go to one myself, but that doesn't apply to everyone.
I had 2 years unemployed, so I know how difficult it can be keeping up with people who have money. I did manage in other ways but making them little food gifts, or helping with babysitting, or finding meaningful tokens for them second hand. As long as I was doing something, I didn't feel it was too uneven.
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Old 01-03-2019, 10:09 PM
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Originally Posted by FeelingGreat View Post
Hi Gem, I feel a little like you, in that I've just had a final break with a long-term friend, my daughter has made it clear she has no time for me at the moment and I'm feeling pretty depressed. Not about me though, just to say I understand a little of how you feel.
I was wondering if there are forums or meetings for people in your situation, maybe not physical challenges but with v little spare cash? Dare I suggest a church, because I know they are big in the US, and have lots of side activities? As an atheist I wouldn't go to one myself, but that doesn't apply to everyone.
I had 2 years unemployed, so I know how difficult it can be keeping up with people who have money. I did manage in other ways but making them little food gifts, or helping with babysitting, or finding meaningful tokens for them second hand. As long as I was doing something, I didn't feel it was too uneven.
I'm sorry about the final break with your friend and about your daughter. That kinda stuff can be rough. I have accepted it with the 'friend' as I don't consider her a friend after this. I would never be her friend again at this point b/c I could never trust her. If it only took me saying I was over something always coming up for her to run, she was never a friend. It's not like I called her names and cussed her out or something. Lol. That would have made sense to me. It seemed like such a small thing to stop talking over. Oh well. Lol.

And I have thought about church. I don't identify as any one thing. I do believe in a higher power, just not sure exactly how at this point. Which is funny, b/c I used to work for a worldwide ministry. Lmao.

And I do the same thing when it comes to the times I do hang out with ppl with money. I try to think of ways to contribute myself if I it's not monetary. Thank you for your thoughts.
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Old 01-04-2019, 03:59 AM
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Hi gemini,

I am sorry as I didn't want it to be about me.

How are you feeling today? Sometimes, when I'm feeling particularly down about things in my world I find that thinking about just one small thing that I can change to make things better helps me.

Do you have one small thing in your life you can change for the better? For me, it can be as simple as doing something to streamline my morning routine so that I'm not so rushed in the morning...

Be good to you!
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Old 01-04-2019, 07:07 PM
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Originally Posted by Seren View Post
Hi gemini,

I am sorry as I didn't want it to be about me.

How are you feeling today? Sometimes, when I'm feeling particularly down about things in my world I find that thinking about just one small thing that I can change to make things better helps me.

Do you have one small thing in your life you can change for the better? For me, it can be as simple as doing something to streamline my morning routine so that I'm not so rushed in the morning...

Be good to you!
Hi. I didn't take it that way at all. I knew you were just conveying you could relate in a way.

I have plenty I need to change. I think it overwhelms me at times.

Right now, unfortunately, I am sick. It started last night with a swollen throat, and today it's worse. So I will have to sit and think about this stuff when I'm better.

You have given great suggestions. Thank you!
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