Hey there! I am new here but have been coming here to read stories for many years now. Just never joined until this morning. Trying to think of a good way to start this off but so scattered brained at the moment. Anyways, I guess I will start off by saying a little bit about myself.

I am am in my early 30s with young children. I have struggled with alcoholism for 15 plus years or so. Beer has always been my go to and has robbed me of a whole lot. I have struggled with anxiety and depression all long as I can remember. I know drinking only makes it worse but I keep going back to it. I have had a few years sober due to pregnancies (never drank a drop while pregnant) but still my anxiety never went away. If anything it has only got worse just like my alcoholism. This is why I feel I keep going back to it. I do well for a few days or so and I get this feeling deep down in my gut that I have to have beer. I get irritable and my mind is on nothing else but wanting to drink. Trumps everything going on in my life at the moment and then I cave and go buy it. Anxiety attack driving on the way to buy it, knowing it will all go away once I get home and crack that first can. Until the next morning, which I always regret. I am definitely the type of person once alcohol hits my lips, I don’t stop until I am passed out. I am at the point of not driving and agoraphobic. Which is really hard when having kids. I want so bad to be the mom they deserve but I am pretty much non functioning. They are taken care of and thier needs are met, I am just not the fun and happy mom they need. Everyday is just passing me by and I am scared. I am just existing not living. I lost someone very dear to me almost 2 years ago and my whole world was turned upside down. I thought as time went by it would get easier but finding out it’s only getting more painful for me. As I type this I am in tears. I don’t have any friends and my s/o is not very supportive. I need help guys!!

I know not drinking is the the first step. This is why I am here. Day 2 this morning. Can’t sleep, anxiety and just an overwhelming feeling of doom. I have went to a few AA meetings years ago but the thought of going to one now scares the hell out of me. That’s probably anxiety in me.

Not sure what I expect out of this but and advice would be great. How do you cope with life? What helped you? How can I make these feelings go away or at least help make them manageable?