Originally Posted by
trailmix 
To answer your main question, no, I don't see it that way.
What you are doing is setting a boundary and letting him know what that is, which is rather polite of you and let's him know what the xmas plans are if he chooses to drink - which he absolutely can - but he is then not invited to join you, nothing wrong with that.
Forcing your will would be saying you will do this and you won't do that - you aren't doing that, you are telling him what your intentions are.
The only place I think it gets a little murky is handing him the bank card and then stating if he chooses to buy alcohol etc. One really doesn't have anything to do with the other. What he chooses to spend money on is out of your control - so it's two separate things.
Now, all that said, the rest sounds like the xmas from hell! You having to deal with your family, with SS's Mom (you mean you are spending xmas day with her as well or just SS?).
Why are you doing all this? What xmas would you like? If you would prefer to stay home and just cook a turkey and watch movies, why don't you do that. I guarantee you that you do not get extra brownie points for attending functions you don't want to be at.
Plus, what's the point?
He's had no access to any money so I assume he will buy alcohol as soon as he does...this is what he usually does.
I just decided that he doesn't need the card right now and I need the peace. The direct deposits haven't been switched over so I'll deal with it after Christmas.
SS has to fly across the country to spend the week with his mom. He doesn't want to go but if she abides by the court order and purchases the ticket by the due date, we send him. He's angry and thinks he should have control over when he visits. I told him that the judge didn't agree. He allowed him to move across the country with us but rejected the idea that SS could control his visitation. He's just been acting out and I do worry about him.
My perfect Christmas is to go to a cabin in the mountains where we cook dinner, open presents and there's no cell phone reception or wifi. We could play board games with the kidlets, watch DVDs and/or hang out on the porch with a fire in the firebowl.
I'm going to my husband's family Christmas because it's the first without my husband's grandmother. Ever since she passed no one seems to know where they need to be. It probably won't be that bad. Thanksgiving was okay. Last year my SIL and MIL got into a screaming fight in the middle of the street...super fun...So I'm worried about that.
I have already decided that next year, we're going to my home state and spending Christmas there. My extended family is super awesome, non judgey and when we are all together it's not tense at all and we have a lot of fun.