please advise

Old 12-21-2018, 02:20 PM
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please advise

I need to make sure I'm not forcing my will on AH.

I changed our bank account. The other bank charged fees for EVERYTHING. It was ridiculous. Anyway the cards came in.

I want to give AH his card but I think with everything going on and the lack of sleep on top of it that I need to reiterate a boundary.

This is what I want to say:

Here is your card to our account. The only money in there right now is the opening deposit.(25.00) If you choose to buy alcohol you will be spending Christmas alone. I do not have the emotional capacity right now to deal with the abuse that only seems to happen when you are drinking. So if you choose to drink, fine, but I will be taking our son and staying with my mom and celebrating with your family without you. (SS has to go to his mom's for Christmas this year)

Does that sound like a rule or that I'm forcing my will? Like I really really really really REALLY cannot deal with his crap right now. The holidays have been super hard for me ever since my dad died and with AH always ruining them with his drinking in the past, me without a full time job, stressed about financials, still dealing with my mom's crazy and his mom's crazy, SS is super stressed because his mom decided to exercise her visitation and he doesn't want to go, I just think if he decides to drink I might snap.

I already know what his excuses are...I had a hard week (he really did, he was on a crew with a crew leader who likes OT, which is great because it means we'll be able to pay all our bills out of his first check. It's bad because it's super labor intensive and he was working from 630am-10 or 11pm every day this week), I'm worried about SS(me too), I hate dealing with my family, Christmas will be really light for the kids (It's not about presents and they have gifts)

*sigh* Help.
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Old 12-21-2018, 05:10 PM
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To answer your main question, no, I don't see it that way.

What you are doing is setting a boundary and letting him know what that is, which is rather polite of you and let's him know what the xmas plans are if he chooses to drink - which he absolutely can - but he is then not invited to join you, nothing wrong with that.

Forcing your will would be saying you will do this and you won't do that - you aren't doing that, you are telling him what your intentions are.

The only place I think it gets a little murky is handing him the bank card and then stating if he chooses to buy alcohol etc. One really doesn't have anything to do with the other. What he chooses to spend money on is out of your control - so it's two separate things.

Now, all that said, the rest sounds like the xmas from hell! You having to deal with your family, with SS's Mom (you mean you are spending xmas day with her as well or just SS?).

Why are you doing all this? What xmas would you like? If you would prefer to stay home and just cook a turkey and watch movies, why don't you do that. I guarantee you that you do not get extra brownie points for attending functions you don't want to be at.

Plus, what's the point?
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Old 12-21-2018, 06:21 PM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
To answer your main question, no, I don't see it that way.

What you are doing is setting a boundary and letting him know what that is, which is rather polite of you and let's him know what the xmas plans are if he chooses to drink - which he absolutely can - but he is then not invited to join you, nothing wrong with that.

Forcing your will would be saying you will do this and you won't do that - you aren't doing that, you are telling him what your intentions are.

The only place I think it gets a little murky is handing him the bank card and then stating if he chooses to buy alcohol etc. One really doesn't have anything to do with the other. What he chooses to spend money on is out of your control - so it's two separate things.

Now, all that said, the rest sounds like the xmas from hell! You having to deal with your family, with SS's Mom (you mean you are spending xmas day with her as well or just SS?).

Why are you doing all this? What xmas would you like? If you would prefer to stay home and just cook a turkey and watch movies, why don't you do that. I guarantee you that you do not get extra brownie points for attending functions you don't want to be at.

Plus, what's the point?

He's had no access to any money so I assume he will buy alcohol as soon as he does...this is what he usually does.

I just decided that he doesn't need the card right now and I need the peace. The direct deposits haven't been switched over so I'll deal with it after Christmas.

SS has to fly across the country to spend the week with his mom. He doesn't want to go but if she abides by the court order and purchases the ticket by the due date, we send him. He's angry and thinks he should have control over when he visits. I told him that the judge didn't agree. He allowed him to move across the country with us but rejected the idea that SS could control his visitation. He's just been acting out and I do worry about him.

My perfect Christmas is to go to a cabin in the mountains where we cook dinner, open presents and there's no cell phone reception or wifi. We could play board games with the kidlets, watch DVDs and/or hang out on the porch with a fire in the firebowl.

I'm going to my husband's family Christmas because it's the first without my husband's grandmother. Ever since she passed no one seems to know where they need to be. It probably won't be that bad. Thanksgiving was okay. Last year my SIL and MIL got into a screaming fight in the middle of the street...super fun...So I'm worried about that.

I have already decided that next year, we're going to my home state and spending Christmas there. My extended family is super awesome, non judgey and when we are all together it's not tense at all and we have a lot of fun.
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Old 12-21-2018, 06:42 PM
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Originally Posted by alwayscovering View Post
I have already decided that next year, we're going to my home state and spending Christmas there. My extended family is super awesome, non judgey and when we are all together it's not tense at all and we have a lot of fun.
I'm glad to hear this ac! Now that sounds like fun. So maybe this year, if the MIL and SIL are out screaming on the street, just close your eyes and picture next year, be sure to bring some board games with you!

Thankfully, despite his protests, your SS is going to go if the ticket shows up. For myself as a teen, had I been in that situation, no one and nothing would have made me go, so despite his protests, it could be worse (I am sure that makes you feel not at all better!).

I think putting off the banking until after xmas is a solid idea, you have enough to deal with right now.

I hope the actual day is much better than you anticipate.
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Old 12-21-2018, 06:55 PM
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alwayscovering…….I think that it sounds like a boundary for your and the child's best welfare....during Christmas.
One thing comes to my mind...if my memory is serving me correctly...? I believe that you said that he is attempting to detox, now....without medical assistance or supervision....?
In my experience, if a person is attempting self detox...they may drink in order to keep withdrawl symptoms at bay....truly, withdrawl can be extrodinarily uncomfortable and dangerous.
My point, in bringing this up, is this---if he should drink...it would be easier on you, I think, if you are not surprised...and, just go along to your mom's with little aplomb, and with as m uch acceptance and Christmas spirit as you can muster.....
Wouldn't that be in keeping with your goal of as peaceful a Christmas, as possible for you and the kids....?

As my kids would say...."Keep it easy peasy, lemon squeezy"....lol....
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Old 12-21-2018, 07:42 PM
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It seems that in the long term it would be better to have an account he can't access, which caters to all family expenses like bills, rent and of course an emergency fund. Your AH has no right to spend money that's required for day-to-day, and if you discussed this with him he would probably agree. He'd also have a right to discretionary spending (as do you), so at some point he's going to have to face the prospect of whether he buys alcohol. He can't go without access to money forever.

It would pay in the long run to sit down with him any try and structure your finances so he can't sabotage them.

I know you don't want him to start drinking again, but I'm not sure whether you're more worried about this or him raiding family funds. I think avoiding the problem before Christmas is probably the wisest thing to do.
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Old 12-21-2018, 08:49 PM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
alwayscovering…….I think that it sounds like a boundary for your and the child's best welfare....during Christmas.
One thing comes to my mind...if my memory is serving me correctly...? I believe that you said that he is attempting to detox, now....without medical assistance or supervision....?
In my experience, if a person is attempting self detox...they may drink in order to keep withdrawl symptoms at bay....truly, withdrawl can be extrodinarily uncomfortable and dangerous.
My point, in bringing this up, is this---if he should drink...it would be easier on you, I think, if you are not surprised...and, just go along to your mom's with little aplomb, and with as m uch acceptance and Christmas spirit as you can muster.....
Wouldn't that be in keeping with your goal of as peaceful a Christmas, as possible for you and the kids....?

As my kids would say...."Keep it easy peasy, lemon squeezy"....lol....

he said he thought about buying a bottle today but didnt because he noticed that his stomach isn't distended and uncomfortable. I didnt ask about this at all. I just said I'm glad your stomach is doing better. He is trying to detox on his own again. I never know if I'm supposed be like a cheerleader or what when he makes these statements.
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Old 12-22-2018, 06:51 PM
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His actions, his consequences.

I do not believe you can force an active alcoholic to comply with any rules. He will do as he pleases, with no regard for anyone else.

Sounds to me as if you are at your wits end. Try and remember to breathe, and know he is only doing what alcoholic do. Easier said than done, but try not to own his current negative life choices.

Hope somewhere in all the crazy you find a few minutes to enjoy the holiday season.. Again, easier said than done. Take care of yourself.

Good to hear you have a plan b for the holidays in place.
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Old 12-22-2018, 07:14 PM
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Oops typo, that should read CANNOT force an active alcoholic to comply with rules.
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Old 12-31-2018, 11:58 AM
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Hi friend. I hope you at least got some peace out of the holiday! Sending you hugs and wishes for a Happy New Year!
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Old 12-31-2018, 12:31 PM
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 View Post
Hi friend. I hope you at least got some peace out of the holiday! Sending you hugs and wishes for a Happy New Year!
Thank you! I hope yours was peaceful as well. It wasn't horrible. Could definitely be better but I'll take not horrible this year!

Happy New Year!
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