Originally Posted by
Troubledone 
I don't know how long you were together, but being split for just a month from an intimate relationship isn't a long time-- Of course you are still hurting. My husband left me abruptly (many, many years ago) and it's very much like having your heart ripped out. I think you are incredibly brave and wise to have made such a clean break (I didn't do so well).
When something that we value dies, there is always grief. And in the case of addicts - it can be complicated --the grief from losing the relationship, grief from the realization that it probably wasn't what we hoped it would be anyway, grief about losing future plans and maybe even a little sadness that can come from blaming one's self. (and other stuff sometimes)
Whatever it is for you - it takes time. And, I found that I had to have a few "new hurts" to take a closer look at things before I worked through it all.
My hope for you is that no matter what you do, you can do it with eyes wide open and with self-compassion. It sounds like in this instance, you did no harm, you found out his mom was OK and you learned something that will help you explore your connection to him. In a way, knowing he is not "out there", but nearby - while painful - might be part of the process of realizing that even though he is nearby - he is still in truth "out there". (if you follow my meaning)
I read somewhere that it takes at least half as long as a relationship lasted for a person to get "over it". I don't know if that is true for you, but I'd say in my life it was pretty close.
And grief takes time and work - you probably know the stages (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance). If not, doing some reading on that might help. When a relationship ends, we can start with acceptance and then end up in any one of the other stages because grief is a process and not a linear one.
I hope you can take very good care of yourself and allow yourself whatever time you need to heal. It sounds like you already have a very good sense of the situation and know how to protect yourself when needed.
I hope you keep posting and maybe read the stickies (they helped me).
Blessings,
I'm so sorry for what you went through years back with your EXH. I know that had to be very painful.
My ex was my first love that I met when I was 16 (I'm now 46). We were out of touch for many years, then reconnected Jan 1st of 2013 and were off and on since. I think a lot of the pain comes from knowing him when I was younger and all of the nostalgia. I kept remembering him back then and the good times, etc. Of course he is completely different now. However, I do have to say he had started doing drugs when we broke up when I was younger. He actually disappeared on me back then as well. I just had no idea what had happened b/c back then, and I was def waaaay more naive than I was this time around.
I don't know what my issues were with not seeing him as an addict in the present day. I guess b/c his family didn't talk about it really, he didn't bring it up, and we just did reg stuff like hanging out with his family, going out to eat, movies, etc. There wasn't the craziness that I know a lot of ppl on here have experienced. I think the only reason why though is b/c we didn't live together. Had we lived together, I think I would have experienced him in a whole other way. I mean there were crazy times, don't get me wrong. It was more of just how he would act. He would be really moody and lose it over small stuff. His reactions weren't proportionate to what was happening, etc.
When we reconnected, he had just gotten out of prison. And I mean the day before. How ridiculous was I to end up in a romantic relationship with him again? I was at a very low point in my life when that happened. I thought his drug use was in the past, because that's what he told me. I had no experience of dating an addict (I don't count when we were younger, b/c again, he disappeared before I experienced it...even though I realize him disappearing was an experience in and of itself). I also had never dated someone who had been in and out of prison like he was. It wasn't on my radar. I was naive, although I didn't think I was. I never looked at him like an addict b/c I never saw him use. Looking back, I may have seen him high without knowing it at the time. I can see a lot of things more clearly now, of course.
I am very close to his family. I mean his mom still lives in the same house as when he and I were teenagers. I have so many memories there.
Anyway, I definitely am still grieving. I think mainly b/c I know this time it is truly over. It's done forever. We will probably never even speak again. And this was someone who I loved since I was a teenager. I never would have entertained him at all if he wasn't who he was. Doesn't mean I made a good decision, but it's funny b/c I would have ghosted him so quickly had he been a reg Joe Schmoe that I had just met. I wish I had now! Lol.
Thank you for what you said about me doing no harm in this instance. I truly had no intention of discussing him. Like I said, I thought he was in another town still doing his thing. I truly love him mom and we have kept in touch whether he and I were talking or not. We've had conversations that didn't include him at all. So I def wasn't expecting to hear what I heard. I agree, I don't think it means he's not 'out there' anymore either.
I appreciate you so much. Your words mean a lot to me. I am very thankful for your support.
