Mind Freak

Old 12-12-2018, 04:01 PM
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Mind Freak

Being in a relationship with an addict does a number on you mentally. I feel like I'm just starting to see things I thought I already knew. Then, at the same time, I feel I know nothing. I feel I probably never knew who my ex really was at all. I still feel shell shocked that he left me over a month ago and I still have heard nothing from him. The whole thing is so weird.

We had a snowstorm in our area recently, so I called his mom to check on her. I had no intention of asking about my ex. As far as I knew, he was still in another town doing his thing. His mom and I talked for a few minutes and then she tells me he is back. She started whispering at that point, so I couldn't really hear all of what she was trying to tell me. I couldn't resist the urge in that moment to know if he had asked about me, and she said no. She said he's not really talking much at all. Something about knowing he was back home and that he hadn't even asked about me made me feel horrible. I know y'all say no new contact=no new hurts, but I honestly had no intention of discussing him and def didn't know he was back home. Now I won't be calling her at all b/c they don't have a home phone, only her cell. I don't want any chance of him picking up, or even seeing me calling and not tell her, or worst of all, him thinking I'm calling for him.

I have no desire to be with him again. But still, something about him being home now makes it more painful. I think b/c knowing he was 'out there' meant that's why he wasn't contacting me. I, of course, am not saying he's all of the sudden clean. I guess I just need to vent b/c the people around me don't know what being with an addict is/was like. I thought I would never know it either, but oh well.

Please don't be too hard on me. I love people being straightforward, but I don't want to feel judged right now about calling her. I really wish someone understood how it feels to be left in such a cold manner. It's not easy at all. Believe me, if you knew me in the past, you would understand what a big deal it is that I have remained so calm and not lost my mind trying to get him to talk to me, etc. I just let him go. Never called to try and talk to him even once. Never tried to track him down. He's grown and can do what he wants. Still hurts though. Sigh.
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Old 12-12-2018, 08:01 PM
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Yes, you have remained calm and controlled and I'm so glad for you, if you hadn't I think you probably would have been even more hurt because this guy is obviously either really narcissistic and/or vicious or he's just really messed up.

Now, relationships end all the time, but the reason I say that is because of your story. Years of talking to him while he is in jail, his promises and the story he wove. Then he gets released, immediately comes to you then disappears - tell you he loves you.

So yes, either vicious or narcissistic or very messed up.

The thing is though, regardless of the WHY, you are well to keep your distance.

I remember reading a thread in F&F one time and basically the person was appalled that an alcoholic, with no job etc (I forget the details) who she had been nothing but supportive to, dumped her!

I hate that term, dumped btw, but that was the post.

Anyway, someone said, had it occurred to her that if she was on his wavelength (ie drinking and partying), perhaps they would still be together.

Is that not the way you see your situation? You spend months talking with him about his new upcoming sober life, you make plans, you plan on taking it slow etc etc. Then he gets out and thinks Hell No! I want to drug and party. Now where on earth would you fit in to that? He may well love you, but you don't fit in with his addiction at all, you are the person who just discussed his new sober life!

So he ran away from that, not from you personally - from that life, it's not what he wants, he wants drugs/alcohol and that's not you.

It's not personal, it's not that you aren't good enough it's not that he may not love you as much as he is capable of, but his first choice is his DOC and I know you must know enough about addiction to know that always comes first.

Anyway, that's just my take on it.

And yes, it' hurts you anyway and I'm sorry about that. It will get better with time.
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Old 12-12-2018, 08:10 PM
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I don't know if I posted this link for you before or not gemini?

Addiction, Lies and Relationships

"Those unfortunates who attempt to preserve a human relationship to individuals in the throes of progressive addiction almost always sense their own secondary "less than" status in relation to the addiction - and despite the addict's passionate and indignant denials of this reality, they are right: the addict does indeed love his addiction more than he loves them.

Addiction protects and augments itself by means of a bodyguard of lies, distortions and evasions that taken together amount to a full scale assault upon consensual reality. Because addiction involves irrational and unhealthy thinking and behavior, its presence results in cognitive dissonance both within the addict himself and in the intersubjective realm of ongoing personal relationships".
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Old 12-12-2018, 08:32 PM
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I am sorry. I know how much it hurts to be treated this way. Every contact just rips the wound open again. Take good care of yourself!
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Old 12-12-2018, 09:15 PM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
Yes, you have remained calm and controlled and I'm so glad for you, if you hadn't I think you probably would have been even more hurt because this guy is obviously either really narcissistic and/or vicious or he's just really messed up.

Now, relationships end all the time, but the reason I say that is because of your story. Years of talking to him while he is in jail, his promises and the story he wove. Then he gets released, immediately comes to you then disappears - tell you he loves you.

So yes, either vicious or narcissistic or very messed up.

The thing is though, regardless of the WHY, you are well to keep your distance.

I remember reading a thread in F&F one time and basically the person was appalled that an alcoholic, with no job etc (I forget the details) who she had been nothing but supportive to, dumped her!

I hate that term, dumped btw, but that was the post.

Anyway, someone said, had it occurred to her that if she was on his wavelength (ie drinking and partying), perhaps they would still be together.

Is that not the way you see your situation? You spend months talking with him about his new upcoming sober life, you make plans, you plan on taking it slow etc etc. Then he gets out and thinks Hell No! I want to drug and party. Now where on earth would you fit in to that? He may well love you, but you don't fit in with his addiction at all, you are the person who just discussed his new sober life!

So he ran away from that, not from you personally - from that life, it's not what he wants, he wants drugs/alcohol and that's not you.

It's not personal, it's not that you aren't good enough it's not that he may not love you as much as he is capable of, but his first choice is his DOC and I know you must know enough about addiction to know that always comes first.

Anyway, that's just my take on it.

And yes, it' hurts you anyway and I'm sorry about that. It will get better with time.
Thank you so much trailmix. I really needed that. Your words are comforting. I thought I had it figured out...the drugs are more important, etc. But then I just started wondering...what if I never really knew him at all? I was actually looking up vids & articles on narcissism earlier, and so many of the signs do not fit him at all, yet the way narcissists will discard you is def in line with what he did. I dated a narcissist before and every single sign applied to that guy. He was satan personified. That was a crazy experience.

It doesn't seem to be true for my ex though. So he's either vicious, or really messed up. I don't know which. I never knew him to be a vicious person. He could be moody and mean at times though. I now know that those were times when he was probably either using or wanting to use and I was just in the way. I didn't really get it back then though. Now I question who he really is/was. I'd like to think it's the scenario you laid out. That my presence in his life reminds him of something he cannot live up to. Yet I just keep thinking of how cold it was. I mean our last words to each other were "I love you". There was no argument or anything that would make me suspect that would be the last time we would speak.

It never happened like that before. There were always signs, arguments.....I could feel him pulling away, then before I knew it, I was breaking up with him for acting like an a$$. He never would try to get me back though. He would just disappear from my life.

It shouldn't matter really b/c the bottom line is, it's over. I don't want to be with an addict. I don't even want to be with an addict in recovery. And yet here I am, still feeling depressed about how he treated me. I get annoyed with myself about it really. Ugh.
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Old 12-12-2018, 09:19 PM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
I don't know if I posted this link for you before or not gemini?

Addiction, Lies and Relationships

"Those unfortunates who attempt to preserve a human relationship to individuals in the throes of progressive addiction almost always sense their own secondary "less than" status in relation to the addiction - and despite the addict's passionate and indignant denials of this reality, they are right: the addict does indeed love his addiction more than he loves them.

Addiction protects and augments itself by means of a bodyguard of lies, distortions and evasions that taken together amount to a full scale assault upon consensual reality. Because addiction involves irrational and unhealthy thinking and behavior, its presence results in cognitive dissonance both within the addict himself and in the intersubjective realm of ongoing personal relationships".
If you have, I don't recall. But I will def check it out. Thank you so much.
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Old 12-12-2018, 09:20 PM
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Originally Posted by OT4Kids View Post
I am sorry. I know how much it hurts to be treated this way. Every contact just rips the wound open again. Take good care of yourself!

Yes it def does rip it open again. And I'm really sorry for all you've gone through as well.

And thank you so much. You do the same.
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Old 12-20-2018, 06:10 PM
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I don't know how long you were together, but being split for just a month from an intimate relationship isn't a long time-- Of course you are still hurting. My husband left me abruptly (many, many years ago) and it's very much like having your heart ripped out. I think you are incredibly brave and wise to have made such a clean break (I didn't do so well).

When something that we value dies, there is always grief. And in the case of addicts - it can be complicated --the grief from losing the relationship, grief from the realization that it probably wasn't what we hoped it would be anyway, grief about losing future plans and maybe even a little sadness that can come from blaming one's self. (and other stuff sometimes)

Whatever it is for you - it takes time. And, I found that I had to have a few "new hurts" to take a closer look at things before I worked through it all.

My hope for you is that no matter what you do, you can do it with eyes wide open and with self-compassion. It sounds like in this instance, you did no harm, you found out his mom was OK and you learned something that will help you explore your connection to him. In a way, knowing he is not "out there", but nearby - while painful - might be part of the process of realizing that even though he is nearby - he is still in truth "out there". (if you follow my meaning)

I read somewhere that it takes at least half as long as a relationship lasted for a person to get "over it". I don't know if that is true for you, but I'd say in my life it was pretty close.

And grief takes time and work - you probably know the stages (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance). If not, doing some reading on that might help. When a relationship ends, we can start with acceptance and then end up in any one of the other stages because grief is a process and not a linear one.

I hope you can take very good care of yourself and allow yourself whatever time you need to heal. It sounds like you already have a very good sense of the situation and know how to protect yourself when needed.

I hope you keep posting and maybe read the stickies (they helped me).
Blessings,
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Old 12-21-2018, 03:09 AM
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It shouldn't matter really b/c the bottom line is, it's over. I don't want to be with an addict. I don't even want to be with an addict in recovery. And yet here I am, still feeling depressed about how he treated me. I get annoyed with myself about it really. Ugh.
Gemini, you've got the hang of it, you know what you need to do and you are doing it to the best of your ability...but it takes time to heal.

I think that phone call did rip open the wound, and of course the healing has been set back...but this is a set back, not a failure, and a part of you finding your way back to happiness and a life without addiction.

Keep doing the best you can, read the sticky posts because there is a lot of good information there that I know helped me "see" things more clearly.

We're walking this path with you, and holding our lights until you can find your own.

Hugs
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Old 12-21-2018, 07:35 AM
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I am of the belief that things happen when they are meant to happen and that is usually when we are more ready/prepared for it.

I think you’ve learned a lot about addiction in this past month or so and I hope you can accept that his addiction is not personal towards you. His behavior is that of an active addict and someone with a long history of it. The chance he will change into the someone you think he can be, are slim. I think you are near accepting that, and as hurtful as that may feel, the truth is what sets you free. Holding onto a fantasy life/relationship keeps the heart from healing.

I think one day you will come to understand that you were having a much different relationship with him then he was having with you. You’ve reached another stage in your grieving of this relationship, the hard to accept stage. The stage where truth and reality become clear and all of that hope begins to drift away.

I am sorry you are hurting again, I know it really does stink to love an addict.
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Old 12-21-2018, 08:24 AM
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My mantra when I have no sage words of wisdom- Ann and the others did that well, just my prayers and support to you Gem.
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Old 12-21-2018, 11:35 AM
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Originally Posted by Troubledone View Post
I don't know how long you were together, but being split for just a month from an intimate relationship isn't a long time-- Of course you are still hurting. My husband left me abruptly (many, many years ago) and it's very much like having your heart ripped out. I think you are incredibly brave and wise to have made such a clean break (I didn't do so well).

When something that we value dies, there is always grief. And in the case of addicts - it can be complicated --the grief from losing the relationship, grief from the realization that it probably wasn't what we hoped it would be anyway, grief about losing future plans and maybe even a little sadness that can come from blaming one's self. (and other stuff sometimes)

Whatever it is for you - it takes time. And, I found that I had to have a few "new hurts" to take a closer look at things before I worked through it all.

My hope for you is that no matter what you do, you can do it with eyes wide open and with self-compassion. It sounds like in this instance, you did no harm, you found out his mom was OK and you learned something that will help you explore your connection to him. In a way, knowing he is not "out there", but nearby - while painful - might be part of the process of realizing that even though he is nearby - he is still in truth "out there". (if you follow my meaning)

I read somewhere that it takes at least half as long as a relationship lasted for a person to get "over it". I don't know if that is true for you, but I'd say in my life it was pretty close.

And grief takes time and work - you probably know the stages (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance). If not, doing some reading on that might help. When a relationship ends, we can start with acceptance and then end up in any one of the other stages because grief is a process and not a linear one.

I hope you can take very good care of yourself and allow yourself whatever time you need to heal. It sounds like you already have a very good sense of the situation and know how to protect yourself when needed.

I hope you keep posting and maybe read the stickies (they helped me).
Blessings,
I'm so sorry for what you went through years back with your EXH. I know that had to be very painful.

My ex was my first love that I met when I was 16 (I'm now 46). We were out of touch for many years, then reconnected Jan 1st of 2013 and were off and on since. I think a lot of the pain comes from knowing him when I was younger and all of the nostalgia. I kept remembering him back then and the good times, etc. Of course he is completely different now. However, I do have to say he had started doing drugs when we broke up when I was younger. He actually disappeared on me back then as well. I just had no idea what had happened b/c back then, and I was def waaaay more naive than I was this time around.

I don't know what my issues were with not seeing him as an addict in the present day. I guess b/c his family didn't talk about it really, he didn't bring it up, and we just did reg stuff like hanging out with his family, going out to eat, movies, etc. There wasn't the craziness that I know a lot of ppl on here have experienced. I think the only reason why though is b/c we didn't live together. Had we lived together, I think I would have experienced him in a whole other way. I mean there were crazy times, don't get me wrong. It was more of just how he would act. He would be really moody and lose it over small stuff. His reactions weren't proportionate to what was happening, etc.

When we reconnected, he had just gotten out of prison. And I mean the day before. How ridiculous was I to end up in a romantic relationship with him again? I was at a very low point in my life when that happened. I thought his drug use was in the past, because that's what he told me. I had no experience of dating an addict (I don't count when we were younger, b/c again, he disappeared before I experienced it...even though I realize him disappearing was an experience in and of itself). I also had never dated someone who had been in and out of prison like he was. It wasn't on my radar. I was naive, although I didn't think I was. I never looked at him like an addict b/c I never saw him use. Looking back, I may have seen him high without knowing it at the time. I can see a lot of things more clearly now, of course.

I am very close to his family. I mean his mom still lives in the same house as when he and I were teenagers. I have so many memories there.

Anyway, I definitely am still grieving. I think mainly b/c I know this time it is truly over. It's done forever. We will probably never even speak again. And this was someone who I loved since I was a teenager. I never would have entertained him at all if he wasn't who he was. Doesn't mean I made a good decision, but it's funny b/c I would have ghosted him so quickly had he been a reg Joe Schmoe that I had just met. I wish I had now! Lol.

Thank you for what you said about me doing no harm in this instance. I truly had no intention of discussing him. Like I said, I thought he was in another town still doing his thing. I truly love him mom and we have kept in touch whether he and I were talking or not. We've had conversations that didn't include him at all. So I def wasn't expecting to hear what I heard. I agree, I don't think it means he's not 'out there' anymore either.

I appreciate you so much. Your words mean a lot to me. I am very thankful for your support.
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Old 12-21-2018, 11:58 AM
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Originally Posted by Ann View Post
Gemini, you've got the hang of it, you know what you need to do and you are doing it to the best of your ability...but it takes time to heal.

I think that phone call did rip open the wound, and of course the healing has been set back...but this is a set back, not a failure, and a part of you finding your way back to happiness and a life without addiction.

Keep doing the best you can, read the sticky posts because there is a lot of good information there that I know helped me "see" things more clearly.

We're walking this path with you, and holding our lights until you can find your own.

Hugs
You're right Ann. That call def ripped the wound open again. I have not called since. And thank you for saying that. You're right, it's a setback, not a failure. It helps to look at it like that.

I can't tell you how grateful I am for you. You saying that you all are holding your lights until I can find my own touched me so deeply. It made me cry. The support I get here is what has helped keep me going. It's been invaluable.

This has been a very painful few months, with him leaving me, then my grandma passing. I deal with depression/anxiety in general, so it's been more than rough. However, I am determined to let this make me better and get to the core issues so I don't repeat the same mistakes.

Thank you so much.
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Old 12-21-2018, 12:07 PM
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Originally Posted by atalose View Post
I am of the belief that things happen when they are meant to happen and that is usually when we are more ready/prepared for it.

I think you’ve learned a lot about addiction in this past month or so and I hope you can accept that his addiction is not personal towards you. His behavior is that of an active addict and someone with a long history of it. The chance he will change into the someone you think he can be, are slim. I think you are near accepting that, and as hurtful as that may feel, the truth is what sets you free. Holding onto a fantasy life/relationship keeps the heart from healing.

I think one day you will come to understand that you were having a much different relationship with him then he was having with you. You’ve reached another stage in your grieving of this relationship, the hard to accept stage. The stage where truth and reality become clear and all of that hope begins to drift away.

I am sorry you are hurting again, I know it really does stink to love an addict.
Atalose it is amazing to me how in tune with my process you are. I mean everything you said was right on point!

I have def learned so much about addiction the last few months and it has helped in the healing process. I still, of course, have times where it feels personal and I get sad/angry, etc. But I know that is just my old thinking patterns at work that try to resurface.

I also have just come to the point of thinking regardless of addiction, even if he wasn't an addict and left me, it says nothing about me. It would mean something about him. I am so grateful that I had already learned so much about not trying to control others and situations before this happened, or this could have ended me.

Now I am armed with even more knowledge and more of an ability to not control and to let go. I use this in other areas of my life as well.

As I said above, if y'all knew me before, just 4 years ago, you would know that I would have chased him down and tried to make him explain to me why he did what he did. I am sooooo proud of myself for never trying to contact him one time! Not even once! That is major growth!

Y'all have helped me continue to grow even more. Thank you so much.

P.S. You are so right about me having a much different relationship with him than he was having with me. My mom even said that. Confirmation! Lol.
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Old 12-21-2018, 12:09 PM
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Originally Posted by PhoenixJ View Post
My mantra when I have no sage words of wisdom- Ann and the others did that well, just my prayers and support to you Gem.

Thank you so much. I really appreciate that.
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Old 12-21-2018, 04:25 PM
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Keep posting!
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Old 12-21-2018, 10:00 PM
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Originally Posted by PhoenixJ View Post
Keep posting!
I will. Thank you.
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