Mind Freak
Being in a relationship with an addict does a number on you mentally. I feel like I'm just starting to see things I thought I already knew. Then, at the same time, I feel I know nothing. I feel I probably never knew who my ex really was at all. I still feel shell shocked that he left me over a month ago and I still have heard nothing from him. The whole thing is so weird.
We had a snowstorm in our area recently, so I called his mom to check on her. I had no intention of asking about my ex. As far as I knew, he was still in another town doing his thing. His mom and I talked for a few minutes and then she tells me he is back. She started whispering at that point, so I couldn't really hear all of what she was trying to tell me. I couldn't resist the urge in that moment to know if he had asked about me, and she said no. She said he's not really talking much at all. Something about knowing he was back home and that he hadn't even asked about me made me feel horrible. I know y'all say no new contact=no new hurts, but I honestly had no intention of discussing him and def didn't know he was back home. Now I won't be calling her at all b/c they don't have a home phone, only her cell. I don't want any chance of him picking up, or even seeing me calling and not tell her, or worst of all, him thinking I'm calling for him.
I have no desire to be with him again. But still, something about him being home now makes it more painful. I think b/c knowing he was 'out there' meant that's why he wasn't contacting me. I, of course, am not saying he's all of the sudden clean. I guess I just need to vent b/c the people around me don't know what being with an addict is/was like. I thought I would never know it either, but oh well.
Please don't be too hard on me. I love people being straightforward, but I don't want to feel judged right now about calling her. I really wish someone understood how it feels to be left in such a cold manner. It's not easy at all. Believe me, if you knew me in the past, you would understand what a big deal it is that I have remained so calm and not lost my mind trying to get him to talk to me, etc. I just let him go. Never called to try and talk to him even once. Never tried to track him down. He's grown and can do what he wants. Still hurts though. Sigh.