Stayingsassy

So at work, someone was drinking a nonalcoholic beer, and his wife was telling me how good this beer is, but there were some others they liked too, like clausthaler, or st. Pauli girl, that sometimes you want a beer, but you don’t want the effect. I looked at this open beer, part of it was poured in a glass. It looked like it had a halo around it. Or maybe fireworks shooting out of the mouth of it, and I wanted it very badly. I picked it up and smelled it. I had visions of drinking one after working out. Or while wrapping presents. I was wondering what my family would think. I thought why not, why is this a big deal, I just want the taste of beer sometimes, there isn’t any alcohol....I started planning to buy it at Trader Joe’s, I started working it all out how I was going to buy it and have it and when.

I got in my car and sort of “woke up.” It’s not the beer, so much. It’s the part of my brain that thinks it’s found the holy grail and wants to hunt it down and make it a life changer....yeah, no. That part of my brain is sick. So, no.

Paying attention, always. What’s waking up in my head and why? Is this a good thinking path? No? And why?

Sigh. Recovery work. Always. Vigilance, I must stay vigilant when my sober brain smells that something in me is off.