OpheliaKatz

I think you love your sister very deeply. Are you angry at her... for being messed up... or angry at you because none of your "help" ever did anything? It is understandable if the anger is keeping you from acting codependently. When you come to a place of acceptance, you won't be angry anymore... but because of your history with her, this could take a long, long time.

So... what this tells me is that her abuser was NOT ONLY her abuser, this person was abusing you emotionally and using your sister to do it. This person had abused your sister sexually... and then was grooming her to abuse you emotionally (is this correct?). Considering she said she was pregnant and then denied it... it is possible that it was fairly easy for the abuser to use shame to get your sister to bully someone for his sadistic pleasure. All he had to do was threaten to expose her. [Sexual abuse, for the victim, feels like a dirty secret. The victim often feels as if it's their fault. This would have been another "flaw" in a long list of their perceived flaws. They would have done all sorts of denying, covering up... and in your sister's case, eventually drug taking.] I imagine that this abuser would have manipulated your family so that your sister, the victim, was the "bad" child. Please understand that the sexual abuse of children is not about sex. It is about abuse of power. It is about sadistic people who want to exert power over the least powerful people on the planet.

The one thing children want above all else is to be loved and protected. The abuser took that away from her... then groomed her so that through bullying you, that is taken away from you (you felt unsafe with and unloved by your sibling). From working with a specialist in childhood sexual abuse, I can tell you that I have learnt that there is no such thing as "only one child" being abused in a family.

For your sister to acknowledge that she was groomed by a pedophile to torture her sibling is going to be very, very difficult. No one wants to be a victim, least of all people who are actually victims -- it makes them feel even more helpless. Because she is also drug-affected, personal insight into past behavior will be lacking. Although you are dealing with a person with a dual-diagnosis here -- trauma and addiction -- you need to treat this case the way you would treat any addiction case: with detachment. Most addicts have trauma backgrounds; and so long as they are addicted, they can not even begin to fix their behavior.

So, this sounds like an adolescent, doesn't it? Teens often think they know everything. It is unfortunate that she has children who will be affected by this.

There's probably a giant hole in her where her self-esteem should be. What she really wants from her FOO is (probably) love... but because the giant hole is bottomless, love is not enough. She is probably uncomfortable with asking for/displaying actual love... because the abuse has made her associate love with dysfunction. So she wants other things as a replacement. I hope she seeks therapy (but you are not responsible for her choice to seek it or not).

This is probably why she wants to be treated like an adult... because she wants to please people. Also, her abuser picked HER FAMILY, not just her. He (she?) basically held her for random... then demanded payment from her family -- that includes you. If that went on for long enough, if she was alone with him for long enough, she could end up repeating his behaviors. She needs to WAKE UP and see that she's not 13 anymore. You can't help her do this. I hope you are able to accept her as she is now so that when she finally does wake up, you will be able to have a relationship (that's the dream, isn't it?).

Excellent! Now take a fancy bath and clear your sister out of your mind.