Bitter AND Boring

Old 12-09-2018, 08:19 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
PuzzledHeart's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
Bitter AND Boring

I haven't posted a new thread in a good long while, so here I am!

Summary of life so far: Sister and I have had a difficult relationship for years. We were both physically abused by the woman who was supposed to take care of us. I am estranged from that woman. My sister says we weren't abused, and still spends time with her.

Around middle school, my sister was sexually abused by a relative of similar age who was living with us at the time. She has never told my parents. Nor surprisingly, she's abused alcohol and pot, mostly the latter. Years later, while married with two children, she got caught in an affair with an unemployed forty-something pothead still living with his parents. The money that she got in the sale of her house went towards plastic surgery. Her children no longer live with her, but spend most of their time with their dad. During "Mom's" time, they live with my parents.

She blames my parents for many things. She accuses my mom of not loving her. My sister is angry that my mom didn't want her to live in the house when she got divorced. Both my parents have battled cancer for four years, and my sister has not gone to a single appointment since early 2015. She wanted me to go the doctor to get mom pot because she was convinced that pot cured cancer. In an effort to include her in planning my mom's treatment, I told her that she should take charge of this. She said she couldn't, and she would send her wishes to the universe and somebody else would take care of it. Although she did eventually try later, the damage to our relationship was done. Later on, she pulled stunts like telling her ex-husband she couldn't get their house ready for sale because she was taking care of mom. Then she told my dad she couldn't take care of mom because she was getting the house ready for sale.

Anyway, the reason why I'm rehashing this is to lay the groundwork on what happened last week. My sister left some office equipment at my parents' house, which she is NOT supposed to do. My mom found it, and asked her it was hers. My mom got really agitated about it, so my sister lied and told her that it was mine. This all happened when I was at work, and both of them called me, one after another, while I was at a meeting. I answered the phone calls in the order I saw them, so I called Mom first. Mom asked me if the equipment was mine. I told her probably not. After I finished talking to Mom, I read my sister's text, which said "Hey, Mom found my equipment so I lied and told her it was yours and then she calmed down." Later on we talked on the phone and she asked me why I didn't call her first so I would know that I would have to cover for her. I asked her why should I expect that every time she calls me so it's that I can cover for her? She complained that my mom hates her current boyfriend. I told her that mom had every right to love or hate whomever she wanted, and why was she still seeking my mom's approval in her love life? I also bit my tongue hard, because my sister is boyfriend's Co-Worker #3 on the list of girlfriends. He works with four people, including himself.

I thought I was in a good place, but I feel that this conversation just set me back a million years. I'm so sick of listening to her say that my mom hates her. I'm sick of her lying. I'm so sick of her absorbing the personality of whomever she's sleeping with. I'm sick of having a sister who prioritizes catching and keeping a boyfriend over spending time with her own children. I know she endured severe trauma, but I also know amazing women who endured the same thing and who have risen above it. She doesn't even try. It's like she feels justified in vomiting her pain on whomever is the closest.

So why call this thread Bitter and Boring? Because that's what I've become, bitter and boring as all hell. I even bored one of my closest friends so much that she didn't even realize that my sister's children haven't lived with her for three years - I guess she just spaced out every time I started complaining about her.

My therapist wants me to talk to my sister about her sexual abuse and approach her with compassion, but honestly I just want to throw in the towel and say screw it. I remember the way she verbally abused my mom at my own college graduation and ruined what was supposed to be a celebration into a farce. She had just flunked out of college and thought the best way to cope with it was to transfer her disappointment onto me. I remember how she wrecked my car twice. I remember how I would beg her to be quiet when I was working at my dad's factory and had to get up at 6AM, and she would get upset at me because I wasn't accommodating her friends. It never, never, ends with her. She wouldn't know a boundary even if it came with a moat, a barbed wire fence, and a ring of fire.

At the same time, I think, I'm getting angry over a piece of office equipment? And it's true that she suffered in a way that I didn't suffer. And it's true that my mom did favor me because I did better academically than she did, and my mom didn't try to acknowledge my sister's non-academic accomplishments. But is that enough of an excuse to basically blow up your entire life and screw up your own children? But if she's mentally ill, would she know any better?

Why can't I get over this? Why can't I let go? Why can't I talk to her with compassion and no judgment? I thought I was detaching just fine. Obviously not.
PuzzledHeart is offline  
Old 12-09-2018, 11:32 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Life is good
 
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
(((hugs)))

Have you considered looking for a new therapist?
Mango212 is offline  
Old 12-10-2018, 12:28 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
PeacefulWater12's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
I work the Al-anon program but what also really helped me was joining a local gym. The one that appealed to me was ladies only with lots of holistic classes.

I started doing Yoga, Pilates, Stretch classes as well as the more aerobic leaping about type classes!

At first I struggled to learn the moves and hear what the instructor said because my head so jammed packed full of the swirling rubbish. Over the weeks, I noticed I was able to hear the instructor more and more.

Now I hear her clearly and love love love the classes. I have also met lots of upbeat ladies. I go for coffee with them, we laugh, have fun.

It has driven out the rubbish that was stuck inside me. Things I obsessed on (which were not my responsibility at all, btw) I no longer give a hoot for!

I joined the gym in June. As well as my body changing shape, my mind has too!

Sending best wishes to you, I very much relate to what you share.
PeacefulWater12 is offline  
Old 12-10-2018, 02:55 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Sober since 10th April 2012
 
FeelingGreat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi PH. I think you're still too enmeshed with your sister. For instance when she texted you, you could have forwarded the text to your mother right away. You don't have to go along with your sister just because she wants you to cover. Nor do you have to act as policeman about who is telling lies and who isn't.
You still have expectations of her, when she's clearly shown she's not capable of looking after anyone but herself. No wonder your mother prefers you. If you don't expect her to behave like a mature responsible adult, you won't be disappointed.
As far as the abuse goes, everyone has different perceptions about their childhood. My sister thinks nobody understood her, whereas my other sisters and me always saw her as the favourite. Your sister is coping with what happened in her own way, making decisions as her right. I disagree with your therapist - you are not responsible for approaching her in any way, compassion or not.
I have 3 sisters, so I'm a bit of an expert on this. One is an alcoholic with a kind heart, one I'm close to, the other I can't be around too much because of some childhood issues. I have a certain amount of detachment about how they live their lives and regard it as none of my business. And I won't buy into dramas and disagreements.
Maybe you could work on being neutral with your sister? Detaching without being unkind. You don't have to pick up the phone in a meeting, or give her advice, or make up for your mother's attitudes. She's a big girl and she'll cope.
Just a final thought. Are you the big sister and do you still have the belief you have to guard and protect her?
FeelingGreat is offline  
Old 12-10-2018, 06:15 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
 
OpheliaKatz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Hi. I understand you are frustrated. Abuse of children tears families apart. It causes resentment between siblings. It creates barriers between people who are supposed to love each other. I am sure that your sister feels that she was not protected as a child and there is a part of her that still is that child and wants her mother to protect her (and also maybe you). This unresolved trauma means she is making choices with the part of her that is still injured -- the part that is not an adult. It is unlikely that she will take responsibility for herself until she is able to reconcile the fractured parts of herself either through therapy or on her own. Her drug use means that she can avoid her pain and thus avoid getting better. She is basically stuck as long as she chooses to numb her trauma. Now... you say that there are plenty of people who have experienced trauma and are doing fine... I disagree. There are many "levels" of "doing fine". You have experienced trauma and are not "fine": just look at how the abuse and trauma have affected your relationship with your sibling. I used to say things like, "I experienced trauma and I am fine." Actually the fact that I ended up in an over-long relationship with an abusive addict suggests I was not fine. But you sound totally fed-up, and why wouldn't you be?

Is managing your sister a role that you have played since childhood? You don't have to play this role. You were treated like the superior sibling... and it may be that both you and your sister have internalized this role. You may even feel guilty that you were treated this way and feel as if you need to "help" your sister. You might resent her for not being able to manage her life while you felt you had no choice but to be the "good" child and manage yours. Please let go of "managing" your sister's problems. You need to detach just enough so that she has to pick up after herself. It is very frustrating for people to see the ones they love constantly do things that hurt themselves and others. Forgive yourself for what you can not or should not do. You can love and have compassion for your sister... but not collude with her self destructive tendencies by covering for her office equipment. You need to just accept... that you don't have to be peace keeper. Your mother is not making the situation better by taking the kids when it's your sister's turn for custody. I think this is a case where an addict is being enabled... the abuse being the root cause of addiction is coincidental (every addict has a reason... the sky is blue is a reason). By focussing on the childhood abuse as an explanation, there may be a danger of diminishing the impact of her addiction on her recovery. Pot is addictive too! Detach with love. Allow her to stand up on her own when she falls. Pray that she will find her way.

I am sorry for what has happened to your family. None of you deserved it.

Last edited by OpheliaKatz; 12-10-2018 at 06:21 AM. Reason: Spelling error.
OpheliaKatz is offline  
Old 12-10-2018, 08:14 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
hopeful4's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
You have every right to be frustrated. I personally would go NC with her as it brings you so much grief in your life. When and if she wants to straighten herself out, she can do so. Until then, she sounds toxic.
hopeful4 is offline  
Old 12-10-2018, 08:52 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
DriGuy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,111
Originally Posted by PuzzledHeart View Post
Why can't I get over this? Why can't I let go? Why can't I talk to her with compassion and no judgment? I thought I was detaching just fine. Obviously not.
Resentment! Sometimes misplaced and sometimes not, but always harmful to the resentmenter. But you can stop doing it. I understand your discomfort. I've been there, and it's a painful place to be.

On the other hand, I want to tell you that you are an interesting writer. Although I realize the situation is painful, you had me laughing out loud at the family antics. They happen in many families, but are seldom articulated so well as in your introduction. At times, I wanted to throttle your sister while I was reading. You can look at it this way: There's never a dull moment at your house. Bitter? Yes, probably. Boring? Not so much. The abuse stuff wasn't fun to read, and I'm sorry about that.
DriGuy is online now  
Old 12-10-2018, 09:44 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
atalose's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
At the same time, I think, I'm getting angry over a piece of office equipment?

It’s not about the office equipment!

It’s about unresolved family of origin issues that you haven’t found a healthy way to address yet.

Maybe you were detaching just fine but the getting sucked back in part still needs work.

I personally disagree with your therapist that you should talk to your sister about her sexual abuse. Unless your sister comes to you and wants to specifically talk about that very private issue, then that issue of hers is none of your business.

Work on things on your side of the street with your therapist- resentment, bitterness, judgment, inability to let go of past hurts.
atalose is offline  
Old 12-10-2018, 01:00 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
PuzzledHeart's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
I'm still at work now, and won't be out until 9PM tonight, but I wanted to take a moment to thank you all for your responses and support. I will respond in a more mindful manner once my brain gets a chance to recover from tonight. This is a VERY long work day. I love the hugs and I'm giving them right back at ya'!
PuzzledHeart is offline  
Old 12-11-2018, 07:16 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
FireSprite's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
At the same time, I think, I'm getting angry over a piece of office equipment?
No - it's not about the equipment. This sounds like "chandeliering" to me - when a minor even triggers an enormous reaction & we "hit the chandelier". This happens to me every time I stumble over a new trigger related to deeper damage.

She wouldn't know a boundary even if it came with a moat, a barbed wire fence, and a ring of fire.
1st - thank you for this imagery.
2nd - I think that people like this make it extremely hard to stay in even Limited Contact over long-term relationships. Detachment has limits, IMO, when you both continue to walk in opposing directions over many years. She's dissolving further & you are (hopefully) getting emotionally healthier. 2 completely different agendas.
3rd - I'm in total agreement with atalose - no way I'd talk to sis about anything. She has no desire or capacity to understand. What can you say differently *this* time? That's not yours to fix in any way & it only intersects with your path if you invite it over.

Can I ask a personal question? Do you feel a lot of guilt over being the "healthier" one? Do your feelings toward your sister possibly get wrapped up in feeling that you had some sort of advantage over her a the favored child? Do you feel like you owe her for that disparity?

Many, many hugs.... this is HARD STUFF!
FireSprite is offline  
Old 12-11-2018, 03:57 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
NYCDoglvr's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
One of the best sayings I learned at Alanon: "let go or be dragged" Have you questioned why you're still focusing on this drama you're powerless to change?
NYCDoglvr is offline  
Old 12-11-2018, 04:03 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
DriGuy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,111
Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr View Post
One of the best sayings I learned at Alanon: "let go or be dragged" Have you questioned why you're still focusing on this drama you're powerless to change?
Good one. You have to wonder who comes up with sayings like that.
DriGuy is online now  
Old 12-11-2018, 06:29 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: MD
Posts: 658
For my money its not a boundary until theres a clear statement of the limits of behavior one will accept and an action that is taken if/when its crossed. I think it works both ways; my boundary is that if my wife resumes the old drinking behavior then either she leaves or I leave with our daughter and let the house and 401k be damned. That also means I cannot resume <my> old behavior of resentment and anger towards her. In effect, I am responsible for making some considerable changes in my own behavior if any statement about action in response to her behavior is to be consistent.

I've had to make other boundaries with my still-active mother, and am considering how to handle the gossipy mother-in-law. The leading prospect for the latter is to strictly avoid all conversations about my business or about 3rd parties who are not present. lol, not sure what that leaves to talk about though...
schnappi99 is offline  
Old 12-11-2018, 06:47 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
PuzzledHeart's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
Just a clarification: I didn't interrupt a work meeting to call back my mom or sister. I am fortunately past that stage.

Can I ask a personal question? Do you feel a lot of guilt over being the "healthier" one?
Is managing your sister a role that you have played since childhood?
Abuse of children tears families apart. It causes resentment between siblings.
I seesaw between rage and pity. In a way, the rage protects me from the pity, because pity makes me vulnerable to her. Things are complicated by the fact that her abuser and she used to team up and bully me. There was a time when she was in high school when she told me that she was pregnant and I couldn't tell anyone. I was stressed out for god knows how long until she told me she was joking. Now I look back and wonder if she actually got pregnant by her abuser.

She's angry at me because things academically were easy for me. She didn't see me stay up until one o'clock in the morning to get my homework done. I was a dork, and she made it clear that she was embarrassed that I was her sister.

One thing that I hate is when I get angry at her, and she'll then describe every single thing I'm doing while I'm enraged. "You're breathing heavily. You're clenching your teeth." And then she acts as if she's the model of peace and love and takes on yoga poses. As if that would make up for the fact that she's abandoned her children and can't function as an adult. There are people here like Mango who WANT to be with their children, and it gets me mad that she treats her own like fashion accessories that can be put in and out of the closet at will. It is not fair! (I know the world isn't fair, but allow me some ranting and railing. I want to shake my staff at the sky while thunder and lightning storm all around me.) She wants to be treated like an adult, but doesn't want to do the work to earn the respect that is required to be treated like an adult.

I will talk to my therapist tomorrow about my own expectations - is this imagined conversation between my sister and myself for her or for me? Is this what I really want?

This sounds like "chandeliering" to me
Never heard of that. Heh!

One thing about the boundary imagery that I didn't think of when I was writing it (the moat, the barbed wire, the ring of fire). Boundaries are drawn up usually for very good reason, and when dealing with a toxic person, you need to haul out all your defenses to make sure that you're not trampled into bits. So yes, you need the moat, the barbed wire, and the ring of fire to protect yourself.

I think that a non-functional person will see that boundary and the protection surrounding it and will willingly slam against it. They'll beg you to tear down your defenses even as they continue injuring themselves. In their mind, it's the defense that's the problem, but in reality, if they just stopped pushing, the pain would stop.

I know my sister feels extremely resentful that nobody protected her, including her older sister. Her abuser picked her, not me. She was younger, more vulnerable, and primed for grooming. She wanted so badly to please people much to her ultimate disappointment. She is desperately afraid of being alone.

By focussing on the childhood abuse as an explanation, there may be a danger of diminishing the impact of her addiction on her recovery
I know this should be obvious, but I've never thought of that. Wow.

Thanks so much for your insight. Even if I didn't quote you I can assure you that everything has been percolating in my brain. It's like you all gave me pieces to the puzzle - it's up to me to assemble and create the complete picture.

And in today's self-care announcement - I took a FULL HOUR for lunch today and I left work at 5:30pm! Yippee!
PuzzledHeart is offline  
Old 12-12-2018, 05:51 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
 
OpheliaKatz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Originally Posted by PuzzledHeart View Post
Just a clarification:
I seesaw between rage and pity. In a way, the rage protects me from the pity, because pity makes me vulnerable to her.
I think you love your sister very deeply. Are you angry at her... for being messed up... or angry at you because none of your "help" ever did anything? It is understandable if the anger is keeping you from acting codependently. When you come to a place of acceptance, you won't be angry anymore... but because of your history with her, this could take a long, long time.

Originally Posted by PuzzledHeart View Post
Things are complicated by the fact that her abuser and she used to team up and bully me. There was a time when she was in high school when she told me that she was pregnant and I couldn't tell anyone. I was stressed out for god knows how long until she told me she was joking. Now I look back and wonder if she actually got pregnant by her abuser.
So... what this tells me is that her abuser was NOT ONLY her abuser, this person was abusing you emotionally and using your sister to do it. This person had abused your sister sexually... and then was grooming her to abuse you emotionally (is this correct?). Considering she said she was pregnant and then denied it... it is possible that it was fairly easy for the abuser to use shame to get your sister to bully someone for his sadistic pleasure. All he had to do was threaten to expose her. [Sexual abuse, for the victim, feels like a dirty secret. The victim often feels as if it's their fault. This would have been another "flaw" in a long list of their perceived flaws. They would have done all sorts of denying, covering up... and in your sister's case, eventually drug taking.] I imagine that this abuser would have manipulated your family so that your sister, the victim, was the "bad" child. Please understand that the sexual abuse of children is not about sex. It is about abuse of power. It is about sadistic people who want to exert power over the least powerful people on the planet.

The one thing children want above all else is to be loved and protected. The abuser took that away from her... then groomed her so that through bullying you, that is taken away from you (you felt unsafe with and unloved by your sibling). From working with a specialist in childhood sexual abuse, I can tell you that I have learnt that there is no such thing as "only one child" being abused in a family.

For your sister to acknowledge that she was groomed by a pedophile to torture her sibling is going to be very, very difficult. No one wants to be a victim, least of all people who are actually victims -- it makes them feel even more helpless. Because she is also drug-affected, personal insight into past behavior will be lacking. Although you are dealing with a person with a dual-diagnosis here -- trauma and addiction -- you need to treat this case the way you would treat any addiction case: with detachment. Most addicts have trauma backgrounds; and so long as they are addicted, they can not even begin to fix their behavior.

Originally Posted by PuzzledHeart View Post
One thing that I hate is when I get angry at her, and she'll then describe every single thing I'm doing while I'm enraged. "You're breathing heavily. You're clenching your teeth." And then she acts as if she's the model of peace and love and takes on yoga poses. [...] She wants to be treated like an adult, but doesn't want to do the work to earn the respect that is required to be treated like an adult.
So, this sounds like an adolescent, doesn't it? Teens often think they know everything. It is unfortunate that she has children who will be affected by this.

Originally Posted by PuzzledHeart View Post
I think that a non-functional person will see that boundary and the protection surrounding it and will willingly slam against it.
There's probably a giant hole in her where her self-esteem should be. What she really wants from her FOO is (probably) love... but because the giant hole is bottomless, love is not enough. She is probably uncomfortable with asking for/displaying actual love... because the abuse has made her associate love with dysfunction. So she wants other things as a replacement. I hope she seeks therapy (but you are not responsible for her choice to seek it or not).

Originally Posted by PuzzledHeart View Post
I know my sister feels extremely resentful that nobody protected her, including her older sister. Her abuser picked her, not me. She was younger, more vulnerable, and primed for grooming. She wanted so badly to please people much to her ultimate disappointment. She is desperately afraid of being alone.
This is probably why she wants to be treated like an adult... because she wants to please people. Also, her abuser picked HER FAMILY, not just her. He (she?) basically held her for random... then demanded payment from her family -- that includes you. If that went on for long enough, if she was alone with him for long enough, she could end up repeating his behaviors. She needs to WAKE UP and see that she's not 13 anymore. You can't help her do this. I hope you are able to accept her as she is now so that when she finally does wake up, you will be able to have a relationship (that's the dream, isn't it?).

Originally Posted by PuzzledHeart View Post
And in today's self-care announcement - I took a FULL HOUR for lunch today and I left work at 5:30pm! Yippee!
Excellent! Now take a fancy bath and clear your sister out of your mind.
OpheliaKatz is offline  
Old 12-13-2018, 08:15 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
I think you have an extraordinary level of insight into your sister's dysfunctions ... but sometimes having that insight means you keep running it around in your mind, developing and elaborating your understanding. You sound a bit like me (oldest sibling with messed-up younger sibs, academically high-achieving but pretty dorky, very good with words and ideas) - I know that I have spent far too much time parsing the "whys" and "hows" of a couple of dysfunctional attachments (brothers and alcoholic ex) when I might have been better off to just say "they're whacked, that's why they do that stuff".

I don't think this is an official Al-Anon slogan, but "not my circus - not my monkeys" is something I've been trying to put into practice with varying degrees of success for a long time (see also: "not my Happy Meal - not my fries", "not my rat - not my fleas" etc ...).

(I should note that my relationship with one of my brothers is now vastly better than it ever was when we were growing up. I think we both got enough distance from family-of-origin dynamics after a few decades to be able to appreciate each other).
Sasha1972 is offline  
Old 12-14-2018, 12:42 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Sober since 10th April 2012
 
FeelingGreat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Originally Posted by PuzzledHeart View Post
I think that a non-functional person will see that boundary and the protection surrounding it and will willingly slam against it. They'll beg you to tear down your defenses even as they continue injuring themselves.
This is very common scenario on this board. The A, usually the partner, will indeed slam themselves against the boundary and try to break through. As time passes, if they make no progress they usually stop trying and accept the new reality. This goes for everyone from toddlers to teens to adults.

If you're willing to set some boundaries, like I will never cover for my sister, I will not argue with her, I won't become enmeshed in her dramas, I will stop trying to solve her problems etc. the trick is how to stop her pressing your buttons. With an ex-partner it's mainly a decision to go non-contact but I assume this isn't an option for you.

If you decide on the boundaries, why not discuss with your therapist what phrases to use? I recently had to have a difficult talk with a hostile boss, and I actually asked the HR person how to phrase what I was going to say. It made a huge difference because I had them at hand when I was feeling upset and emotional.

My suggestion is to make a list of boundaries, talk them over with your therapist, and practice a few ways of dealing with your sister's pushing back. I promise she try and break you, but will give up eventually. Once she gets the message, you might find your relationship becomes one of mutual benefit.
FeelingGreat is offline  
Old 12-14-2018, 05:14 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
PuzzledHeart's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
DriGuy and Sasha, thank you for your kind words about my writing. I've always found it much easier to write than to talk.

FeelingGreat wrote:
the trick is how to stop her pressing your buttons
and my mind went DING DING DING. I do try to keep my interaction with her as minimal as possible, and I think our relationship has somewhat improved because of that. However, she still does send me on a tailspin when she tries to pull a stunt last week. A good friend of mine asked me, "Why should you let that bother you? It obviously doesn't bother her." And she's right.

Sasha, I've spend so much time trying to figure her out. And I'm getting to where you are, which is... What's The Point? At the end, her choices are her choices, her abuser's choices were his choices, just like my favorite color is blue and yours may be green. There may be a motivation for those choices, but that same motivation may spur someone to a different action. Why are we the way that we are? Who knows.
PuzzledHeart is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 05:50 PM.