Bitter AND Boring
Bitter AND Boring
I haven't posted a new thread in a good long while, so here I am!
Summary of life so far: Sister and I have had a difficult relationship for years. We were both physically abused by the woman who was supposed to take care of us. I am estranged from that woman. My sister says we weren't abused, and still spends time with her.
Around middle school, my sister was sexually abused by a relative of similar age who was living with us at the time. She has never told my parents. Nor surprisingly, she's abused alcohol and pot, mostly the latter. Years later, while married with two children, she got caught in an affair with an unemployed forty-something pothead still living with his parents. The money that she got in the sale of her house went towards plastic surgery. Her children no longer live with her, but spend most of their time with their dad. During "Mom's" time, they live with my parents.
She blames my parents for many things. She accuses my mom of not loving her. My sister is angry that my mom didn't want her to live in the house when she got divorced. Both my parents have battled cancer for four years, and my sister has not gone to a single appointment since early 2015. She wanted me to go the doctor to get mom pot because she was convinced that pot cured cancer. In an effort to include her in planning my mom's treatment, I told her that she should take charge of this. She said she couldn't, and she would send her wishes to the universe and somebody else would take care of it. Although she did eventually try later, the damage to our relationship was done. Later on, she pulled stunts like telling her ex-husband she couldn't get their house ready for sale because she was taking care of mom. Then she told my dad she couldn't take care of mom because she was getting the house ready for sale.
Anyway, the reason why I'm rehashing this is to lay the groundwork on what happened last week. My sister left some office equipment at my parents' house, which she is NOT supposed to do. My mom found it, and asked her it was hers. My mom got really agitated about it, so my sister lied and told her that it was mine. This all happened when I was at work, and both of them called me, one after another, while I was at a meeting. I answered the phone calls in the order I saw them, so I called Mom first. Mom asked me if the equipment was mine. I told her probably not. After I finished talking to Mom, I read my sister's text, which said "Hey, Mom found my equipment so I lied and told her it was yours and then she calmed down." Later on we talked on the phone and she asked me why I didn't call her first so I would know that I would have to cover for her. I asked her why should I expect that every time she calls me so it's that I can cover for her? She complained that my mom hates her current boyfriend. I told her that mom had every right to love or hate whomever she wanted, and why was she still seeking my mom's approval in her love life? I also bit my tongue hard, because my sister is boyfriend's Co-Worker #3 on the list of girlfriends. He works with four people, including himself.
I thought I was in a good place, but I feel that this conversation just set me back a million years. I'm so sick of listening to her say that my mom hates her. I'm sick of her lying. I'm so sick of her absorbing the personality of whomever she's sleeping with. I'm sick of having a sister who prioritizes catching and keeping a boyfriend over spending time with her own children. I know she endured severe trauma, but I also know amazing women who endured the same thing and who have risen above it. She doesn't even try. It's like she feels justified in vomiting her pain on whomever is the closest.
So why call this thread Bitter and Boring? Because that's what I've become, bitter and boring as all hell. I even bored one of my closest friends so much that she didn't even realize that my sister's children haven't lived with her for three years - I guess she just spaced out every time I started complaining about her.
My therapist wants me to talk to my sister about her sexual abuse and approach her with compassion, but honestly I just want to throw in the towel and say screw it. I remember the way she verbally abused my mom at my own college graduation and ruined what was supposed to be a celebration into a farce. She had just flunked out of college and thought the best way to cope with it was to transfer her disappointment onto me. I remember how she wrecked my car twice. I remember how I would beg her to be quiet when I was working at my dad's factory and had to get up at 6AM, and she would get upset at me because I wasn't accommodating her friends. It never, never, ends with her. She wouldn't know a boundary even if it came with a moat, a barbed wire fence, and a ring of fire.
At the same time, I think, I'm getting angry over a piece of office equipment? And it's true that she suffered in a way that I didn't suffer. And it's true that my mom did favor me because I did better academically than she did, and my mom didn't try to acknowledge my sister's non-academic accomplishments. But is that enough of an excuse to basically blow up your entire life and screw up your own children? But if she's mentally ill, would she know any better?
Why can't I get over this? Why can't I let go? Why can't I talk to her with compassion and no judgment? I thought I was detaching just fine. Obviously not.
Summary of life so far: Sister and I have had a difficult relationship for years. We were both physically abused by the woman who was supposed to take care of us. I am estranged from that woman. My sister says we weren't abused, and still spends time with her.
Around middle school, my sister was sexually abused by a relative of similar age who was living with us at the time. She has never told my parents. Nor surprisingly, she's abused alcohol and pot, mostly the latter. Years later, while married with two children, she got caught in an affair with an unemployed forty-something pothead still living with his parents. The money that she got in the sale of her house went towards plastic surgery. Her children no longer live with her, but spend most of their time with their dad. During "Mom's" time, they live with my parents.
She blames my parents for many things. She accuses my mom of not loving her. My sister is angry that my mom didn't want her to live in the house when she got divorced. Both my parents have battled cancer for four years, and my sister has not gone to a single appointment since early 2015. She wanted me to go the doctor to get mom pot because she was convinced that pot cured cancer. In an effort to include her in planning my mom's treatment, I told her that she should take charge of this. She said she couldn't, and she would send her wishes to the universe and somebody else would take care of it. Although she did eventually try later, the damage to our relationship was done. Later on, she pulled stunts like telling her ex-husband she couldn't get their house ready for sale because she was taking care of mom. Then she told my dad she couldn't take care of mom because she was getting the house ready for sale.
Anyway, the reason why I'm rehashing this is to lay the groundwork on what happened last week. My sister left some office equipment at my parents' house, which she is NOT supposed to do. My mom found it, and asked her it was hers. My mom got really agitated about it, so my sister lied and told her that it was mine. This all happened when I was at work, and both of them called me, one after another, while I was at a meeting. I answered the phone calls in the order I saw them, so I called Mom first. Mom asked me if the equipment was mine. I told her probably not. After I finished talking to Mom, I read my sister's text, which said "Hey, Mom found my equipment so I lied and told her it was yours and then she calmed down." Later on we talked on the phone and she asked me why I didn't call her first so I would know that I would have to cover for her. I asked her why should I expect that every time she calls me so it's that I can cover for her? She complained that my mom hates her current boyfriend. I told her that mom had every right to love or hate whomever she wanted, and why was she still seeking my mom's approval in her love life? I also bit my tongue hard, because my sister is boyfriend's Co-Worker #3 on the list of girlfriends. He works with four people, including himself.
I thought I was in a good place, but I feel that this conversation just set me back a million years. I'm so sick of listening to her say that my mom hates her. I'm sick of her lying. I'm so sick of her absorbing the personality of whomever she's sleeping with. I'm sick of having a sister who prioritizes catching and keeping a boyfriend over spending time with her own children. I know she endured severe trauma, but I also know amazing women who endured the same thing and who have risen above it. She doesn't even try. It's like she feels justified in vomiting her pain on whomever is the closest.
So why call this thread Bitter and Boring? Because that's what I've become, bitter and boring as all hell. I even bored one of my closest friends so much that she didn't even realize that my sister's children haven't lived with her for three years - I guess she just spaced out every time I started complaining about her.
My therapist wants me to talk to my sister about her sexual abuse and approach her with compassion, but honestly I just want to throw in the towel and say screw it. I remember the way she verbally abused my mom at my own college graduation and ruined what was supposed to be a celebration into a farce. She had just flunked out of college and thought the best way to cope with it was to transfer her disappointment onto me. I remember how she wrecked my car twice. I remember how I would beg her to be quiet when I was working at my dad's factory and had to get up at 6AM, and she would get upset at me because I wasn't accommodating her friends. It never, never, ends with her. She wouldn't know a boundary even if it came with a moat, a barbed wire fence, and a ring of fire.
At the same time, I think, I'm getting angry over a piece of office equipment? And it's true that she suffered in a way that I didn't suffer. And it's true that my mom did favor me because I did better academically than she did, and my mom didn't try to acknowledge my sister's non-academic accomplishments. But is that enough of an excuse to basically blow up your entire life and screw up your own children? But if she's mentally ill, would she know any better?
Why can't I get over this? Why can't I let go? Why can't I talk to her with compassion and no judgment? I thought I was detaching just fine. Obviously not.
I work the Al-anon program but what also really helped me was joining a local gym. The one that appealed to me was ladies only with lots of holistic classes.
I started doing Yoga, Pilates, Stretch classes as well as the more aerobic leaping about type classes!
At first I struggled to learn the moves and hear what the instructor said because my head so jammed packed full of the swirling rubbish. Over the weeks, I noticed I was able to hear the instructor more and more.
Now I hear her clearly and love love love the classes. I have also met lots of upbeat ladies. I go for coffee with them, we laugh, have fun.
It has driven out the rubbish that was stuck inside me. Things I obsessed on (which were not my responsibility at all, btw) I no longer give a hoot for!
I joined the gym in June. As well as my body changing shape, my mind has too!
Sending best wishes to you, I very much relate to what you share.
I started doing Yoga, Pilates, Stretch classes as well as the more aerobic leaping about type classes!
At first I struggled to learn the moves and hear what the instructor said because my head so jammed packed full of the swirling rubbish. Over the weeks, I noticed I was able to hear the instructor more and more.
Now I hear her clearly and love love love the classes. I have also met lots of upbeat ladies. I go for coffee with them, we laugh, have fun.
It has driven out the rubbish that was stuck inside me. Things I obsessed on (which were not my responsibility at all, btw) I no longer give a hoot for!
I joined the gym in June. As well as my body changing shape, my mind has too!
Sending best wishes to you, I very much relate to what you share.
Hi PH. I think you're still too enmeshed with your sister. For instance when she texted you, you could have forwarded the text to your mother right away. You don't have to go along with your sister just because she wants you to cover. Nor do you have to act as policeman about who is telling lies and who isn't.
You still have expectations of her, when she's clearly shown she's not capable of looking after anyone but herself. No wonder your mother prefers you. If you don't expect her to behave like a mature responsible adult, you won't be disappointed.
As far as the abuse goes, everyone has different perceptions about their childhood. My sister thinks nobody understood her, whereas my other sisters and me always saw her as the favourite. Your sister is coping with what happened in her own way, making decisions as her right. I disagree with your therapist - you are not responsible for approaching her in any way, compassion or not.
I have 3 sisters, so I'm a bit of an expert on this. One is an alcoholic with a kind heart, one I'm close to, the other I can't be around too much because of some childhood issues. I have a certain amount of detachment about how they live their lives and regard it as none of my business. And I won't buy into dramas and disagreements.
Maybe you could work on being neutral with your sister? Detaching without being unkind. You don't have to pick up the phone in a meeting, or give her advice, or make up for your mother's attitudes. She's a big girl and she'll cope.
Just a final thought. Are you the big sister and do you still have the belief you have to guard and protect her?
You still have expectations of her, when she's clearly shown she's not capable of looking after anyone but herself. No wonder your mother prefers you. If you don't expect her to behave like a mature responsible adult, you won't be disappointed.
As far as the abuse goes, everyone has different perceptions about their childhood. My sister thinks nobody understood her, whereas my other sisters and me always saw her as the favourite. Your sister is coping with what happened in her own way, making decisions as her right. I disagree with your therapist - you are not responsible for approaching her in any way, compassion or not.
I have 3 sisters, so I'm a bit of an expert on this. One is an alcoholic with a kind heart, one I'm close to, the other I can't be around too much because of some childhood issues. I have a certain amount of detachment about how they live their lives and regard it as none of my business. And I won't buy into dramas and disagreements.
Maybe you could work on being neutral with your sister? Detaching without being unkind. You don't have to pick up the phone in a meeting, or give her advice, or make up for your mother's attitudes. She's a big girl and she'll cope.
Just a final thought. Are you the big sister and do you still have the belief you have to guard and protect her?
Hi. I understand you are frustrated. Abuse of children tears families apart. It causes resentment between siblings. It creates barriers between people who are supposed to love each other. I am sure that your sister feels that she was not protected as a child and there is a part of her that still is that child and wants her mother to protect her (and also maybe you). This unresolved trauma means she is making choices with the part of her that is still injured -- the part that is not an adult. It is unlikely that she will take responsibility for herself until she is able to reconcile the fractured parts of herself either through therapy or on her own. Her drug use means that she can avoid her pain and thus avoid getting better. She is basically stuck as long as she chooses to numb her trauma. Now... you say that there are plenty of people who have experienced trauma and are doing fine... I disagree. There are many "levels" of "doing fine". You have experienced trauma and are not "fine": just look at how the abuse and trauma have affected your relationship with your sibling. I used to say things like, "I experienced trauma and I am fine." Actually the fact that I ended up in an over-long relationship with an abusive addict suggests I was not fine. But you sound totally fed-up, and why wouldn't you be?
Is managing your sister a role that you have played since childhood? You don't have to play this role. You were treated like the superior sibling... and it may be that both you and your sister have internalized this role. You may even feel guilty that you were treated this way and feel as if you need to "help" your sister. You might resent her for not being able to manage her life while you felt you had no choice but to be the "good" child and manage yours. Please let go of "managing" your sister's problems. You need to detach just enough so that she has to pick up after herself. It is very frustrating for people to see the ones they love constantly do things that hurt themselves and others. Forgive yourself for what you can not or should not do. You can love and have compassion for your sister... but not collude with her self destructive tendencies by covering for her office equipment. You need to just accept... that you don't have to be peace keeper. Your mother is not making the situation better by taking the kids when it's your sister's turn for custody. I think this is a case where an addict is being enabled... the abuse being the root cause of addiction is coincidental (every addict has a reason... the sky is blue is a reason). By focussing on the childhood abuse as an explanation, there may be a danger of diminishing the impact of her addiction on her recovery. Pot is addictive too! Detach with love. Allow her to stand up on her own when she falls. Pray that she will find her way.
I am sorry for what has happened to your family. None of you deserved it.
Is managing your sister a role that you have played since childhood? You don't have to play this role. You were treated like the superior sibling... and it may be that both you and your sister have internalized this role. You may even feel guilty that you were treated this way and feel as if you need to "help" your sister. You might resent her for not being able to manage her life while you felt you had no choice but to be the "good" child and manage yours. Please let go of "managing" your sister's problems. You need to detach just enough so that she has to pick up after herself. It is very frustrating for people to see the ones they love constantly do things that hurt themselves and others. Forgive yourself for what you can not or should not do. You can love and have compassion for your sister... but not collude with her self destructive tendencies by covering for her office equipment. You need to just accept... that you don't have to be peace keeper. Your mother is not making the situation better by taking the kids when it's your sister's turn for custody. I think this is a case where an addict is being enabled... the abuse being the root cause of addiction is coincidental (every addict has a reason... the sky is blue is a reason). By focussing on the childhood abuse as an explanation, there may be a danger of diminishing the impact of her addiction on her recovery. Pot is addictive too! Detach with love. Allow her to stand up on her own when she falls. Pray that she will find her way.
I am sorry for what has happened to your family. None of you deserved it.
Last edited by OpheliaKatz; 12-10-2018 at 06:21 AM. Reason: Spelling error.
You have every right to be frustrated. I personally would go NC with her as it brings you so much grief in your life. When and if she wants to straighten herself out, she can do so. Until then, she sounds toxic.
On the other hand, I want to tell you that you are an interesting writer. Although I realize the situation is painful, you had me laughing out loud at the family antics. They happen in many families, but are seldom articulated so well as in your introduction. At times, I wanted to throttle your sister while I was reading. You can look at it this way: There's never a dull moment at your house. Bitter? Yes, probably. Boring? Not so much. The abuse stuff wasn't fun to read, and I'm sorry about that.
At the same time, I think, I'm getting angry over a piece of office equipment?
It’s not about the office equipment!
It’s about unresolved family of origin issues that you haven’t found a healthy way to address yet.
Maybe you were detaching just fine but the getting sucked back in part still needs work.
I personally disagree with your therapist that you should talk to your sister about her sexual abuse. Unless your sister comes to you and wants to specifically talk about that very private issue, then that issue of hers is none of your business.
Work on things on your side of the street with your therapist- resentment, bitterness, judgment, inability to let go of past hurts.
It’s not about the office equipment!
It’s about unresolved family of origin issues that you haven’t found a healthy way to address yet.
Maybe you were detaching just fine but the getting sucked back in part still needs work.
I personally disagree with your therapist that you should talk to your sister about her sexual abuse. Unless your sister comes to you and wants to specifically talk about that very private issue, then that issue of hers is none of your business.
Work on things on your side of the street with your therapist- resentment, bitterness, judgment, inability to let go of past hurts.
I'm still at work now, and won't be out until 9PM tonight, but I wanted to take a moment to thank you all for your responses and support. I will respond in a more mindful manner once my brain gets a chance to recover from tonight. This is a VERY long work day. I love the hugs and I'm giving them right back at ya'!
At the same time, I think, I'm getting angry over a piece of office equipment?
She wouldn't know a boundary even if it came with a moat, a barbed wire fence, and a ring of fire.
2nd - I think that people like this make it extremely hard to stay in even Limited Contact over long-term relationships. Detachment has limits, IMO, when you both continue to walk in opposing directions over many years. She's dissolving further & you are (hopefully) getting emotionally healthier. 2 completely different agendas.
3rd - I'm in total agreement with atalose - no way I'd talk to sis about anything. She has no desire or capacity to understand. What can you say differently *this* time? That's not yours to fix in any way & it only intersects with your path if you invite it over.
Can I ask a personal question? Do you feel a lot of guilt over being the "healthier" one? Do your feelings toward your sister possibly get wrapped up in feeling that you had some sort of advantage over her a the favored child? Do you feel like you owe her for that disparity?
Many, many hugs.... this is HARD STUFF!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: MD
Posts: 658
For my money its not a boundary until theres a clear statement of the limits of behavior one will accept and an action that is taken if/when its crossed. I think it works both ways; my boundary is that if my wife resumes the old drinking behavior then either she leaves or I leave with our daughter and let the house and 401k be damned. That also means I cannot resume <my> old behavior of resentment and anger towards her. In effect, I am responsible for making some considerable changes in my own behavior if any statement about action in response to her behavior is to be consistent.
I've had to make other boundaries with my still-active mother, and am considering how to handle the gossipy mother-in-law. The leading prospect for the latter is to strictly avoid all conversations about my business or about 3rd parties who are not present. lol, not sure what that leaves to talk about though...
I've had to make other boundaries with my still-active mother, and am considering how to handle the gossipy mother-in-law. The leading prospect for the latter is to strictly avoid all conversations about my business or about 3rd parties who are not present. lol, not sure what that leaves to talk about though...
Just a clarification: I didn't interrupt a work meeting to call back my mom or sister. I am fortunately past that stage.
I seesaw between rage and pity. In a way, the rage protects me from the pity, because pity makes me vulnerable to her. Things are complicated by the fact that her abuser and she used to team up and bully me. There was a time when she was in high school when she told me that she was pregnant and I couldn't tell anyone. I was stressed out for god knows how long until she told me she was joking. Now I look back and wonder if she actually got pregnant by her abuser.
She's angry at me because things academically were easy for me. She didn't see me stay up until one o'clock in the morning to get my homework done. I was a dork, and she made it clear that she was embarrassed that I was her sister.
One thing that I hate is when I get angry at her, and she'll then describe every single thing I'm doing while I'm enraged. "You're breathing heavily. You're clenching your teeth." And then she acts as if she's the model of peace and love and takes on yoga poses. As if that would make up for the fact that she's abandoned her children and can't function as an adult. There are people here like Mango who WANT to be with their children, and it gets me mad that she treats her own like fashion accessories that can be put in and out of the closet at will. It is not fair! (I know the world isn't fair, but allow me some ranting and railing. I want to shake my staff at the sky while thunder and lightning storm all around me.) She wants to be treated like an adult, but doesn't want to do the work to earn the respect that is required to be treated like an adult.
I will talk to my therapist tomorrow about my own expectations - is this imagined conversation between my sister and myself for her or for me? Is this what I really want?
Never heard of that. Heh!
One thing about the boundary imagery that I didn't think of when I was writing it (the moat, the barbed wire, the ring of fire). Boundaries are drawn up usually for very good reason, and when dealing with a toxic person, you need to haul out all your defenses to make sure that you're not trampled into bits. So yes, you need the moat, the barbed wire, and the ring of fire to protect yourself.
I think that a non-functional person will see that boundary and the protection surrounding it and will willingly slam against it. They'll beg you to tear down your defenses even as they continue injuring themselves. In their mind, it's the defense that's the problem, but in reality, if they just stopped pushing, the pain would stop.
I know my sister feels extremely resentful that nobody protected her, including her older sister. Her abuser picked her, not me. She was younger, more vulnerable, and primed for grooming. She wanted so badly to please people much to her ultimate disappointment. She is desperately afraid of being alone.
I know this should be obvious, but I've never thought of that. Wow.
Thanks so much for your insight. Even if I didn't quote you I can assure you that everything has been percolating in my brain. It's like you all gave me pieces to the puzzle - it's up to me to assemble and create the complete picture.
And in today's self-care announcement - I took a FULL HOUR for lunch today and I left work at 5:30pm! Yippee!
Can I ask a personal question? Do you feel a lot of guilt over being the "healthier" one?
Is managing your sister a role that you have played since childhood?
Abuse of children tears families apart. It causes resentment between siblings.
She's angry at me because things academically were easy for me. She didn't see me stay up until one o'clock in the morning to get my homework done. I was a dork, and she made it clear that she was embarrassed that I was her sister.
One thing that I hate is when I get angry at her, and she'll then describe every single thing I'm doing while I'm enraged. "You're breathing heavily. You're clenching your teeth." And then she acts as if she's the model of peace and love and takes on yoga poses. As if that would make up for the fact that she's abandoned her children and can't function as an adult. There are people here like Mango who WANT to be with their children, and it gets me mad that she treats her own like fashion accessories that can be put in and out of the closet at will. It is not fair! (I know the world isn't fair, but allow me some ranting and railing. I want to shake my staff at the sky while thunder and lightning storm all around me.) She wants to be treated like an adult, but doesn't want to do the work to earn the respect that is required to be treated like an adult.
I will talk to my therapist tomorrow about my own expectations - is this imagined conversation between my sister and myself for her or for me? Is this what I really want?
This sounds like "chandeliering" to me
One thing about the boundary imagery that I didn't think of when I was writing it (the moat, the barbed wire, the ring of fire). Boundaries are drawn up usually for very good reason, and when dealing with a toxic person, you need to haul out all your defenses to make sure that you're not trampled into bits. So yes, you need the moat, the barbed wire, and the ring of fire to protect yourself.
I think that a non-functional person will see that boundary and the protection surrounding it and will willingly slam against it. They'll beg you to tear down your defenses even as they continue injuring themselves. In their mind, it's the defense that's the problem, but in reality, if they just stopped pushing, the pain would stop.
I know my sister feels extremely resentful that nobody protected her, including her older sister. Her abuser picked her, not me. She was younger, more vulnerable, and primed for grooming. She wanted so badly to please people much to her ultimate disappointment. She is desperately afraid of being alone.
By focussing on the childhood abuse as an explanation, there may be a danger of diminishing the impact of her addiction on her recovery
Thanks so much for your insight. Even if I didn't quote you I can assure you that everything has been percolating in my brain. It's like you all gave me pieces to the puzzle - it's up to me to assemble and create the complete picture.
And in today's self-care announcement - I took a FULL HOUR for lunch today and I left work at 5:30pm! Yippee!
Things are complicated by the fact that her abuser and she used to team up and bully me. There was a time when she was in high school when she told me that she was pregnant and I couldn't tell anyone. I was stressed out for god knows how long until she told me she was joking. Now I look back and wonder if she actually got pregnant by her abuser.
The one thing children want above all else is to be loved and protected. The abuser took that away from her... then groomed her so that through bullying you, that is taken away from you (you felt unsafe with and unloved by your sibling). From working with a specialist in childhood sexual abuse, I can tell you that I have learnt that there is no such thing as "only one child" being abused in a family.
For your sister to acknowledge that she was groomed by a pedophile to torture her sibling is going to be very, very difficult. No one wants to be a victim, least of all people who are actually victims -- it makes them feel even more helpless. Because she is also drug-affected, personal insight into past behavior will be lacking. Although you are dealing with a person with a dual-diagnosis here -- trauma and addiction -- you need to treat this case the way you would treat any addiction case: with detachment. Most addicts have trauma backgrounds; and so long as they are addicted, they can not even begin to fix their behavior.
One thing that I hate is when I get angry at her, and she'll then describe every single thing I'm doing while I'm enraged. "You're breathing heavily. You're clenching your teeth." And then she acts as if she's the model of peace and love and takes on yoga poses. [...] She wants to be treated like an adult, but doesn't want to do the work to earn the respect that is required to be treated like an adult.
I know my sister feels extremely resentful that nobody protected her, including her older sister. Her abuser picked her, not me. She was younger, more vulnerable, and primed for grooming. She wanted so badly to please people much to her ultimate disappointment. She is desperately afraid of being alone.
Excellent! Now take a fancy bath and clear your sister out of your mind.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
I think you have an extraordinary level of insight into your sister's dysfunctions ... but sometimes having that insight means you keep running it around in your mind, developing and elaborating your understanding. You sound a bit like me (oldest sibling with messed-up younger sibs, academically high-achieving but pretty dorky, very good with words and ideas) - I know that I have spent far too much time parsing the "whys" and "hows" of a couple of dysfunctional attachments (brothers and alcoholic ex) when I might have been better off to just say "they're whacked, that's why they do that stuff".
I don't think this is an official Al-Anon slogan, but "not my circus - not my monkeys" is something I've been trying to put into practice with varying degrees of success for a long time (see also: "not my Happy Meal - not my fries", "not my rat - not my fleas" etc ...).
(I should note that my relationship with one of my brothers is now vastly better than it ever was when we were growing up. I think we both got enough distance from family-of-origin dynamics after a few decades to be able to appreciate each other).
I don't think this is an official Al-Anon slogan, but "not my circus - not my monkeys" is something I've been trying to put into practice with varying degrees of success for a long time (see also: "not my Happy Meal - not my fries", "not my rat - not my fleas" etc ...).
(I should note that my relationship with one of my brothers is now vastly better than it ever was when we were growing up. I think we both got enough distance from family-of-origin dynamics after a few decades to be able to appreciate each other).
If you're willing to set some boundaries, like I will never cover for my sister, I will not argue with her, I won't become enmeshed in her dramas, I will stop trying to solve her problems etc. the trick is how to stop her pressing your buttons. With an ex-partner it's mainly a decision to go non-contact but I assume this isn't an option for you.
If you decide on the boundaries, why not discuss with your therapist what phrases to use? I recently had to have a difficult talk with a hostile boss, and I actually asked the HR person how to phrase what I was going to say. It made a huge difference because I had them at hand when I was feeling upset and emotional.
My suggestion is to make a list of boundaries, talk them over with your therapist, and practice a few ways of dealing with your sister's pushing back. I promise she try and break you, but will give up eventually. Once she gets the message, you might find your relationship becomes one of mutual benefit.
DriGuy and Sasha, thank you for your kind words about my writing. I've always found it much easier to write than to talk.
FeelingGreat wrote:
and my mind went DING DING DING. I do try to keep my interaction with her as minimal as possible, and I think our relationship has somewhat improved because of that. However, she still does send me on a tailspin when she tries to pull a stunt last week. A good friend of mine asked me, "Why should you let that bother you? It obviously doesn't bother her." And she's right.
Sasha, I've spend so much time trying to figure her out. And I'm getting to where you are, which is... What's The Point? At the end, her choices are her choices, her abuser's choices were his choices, just like my favorite color is blue and yours may be green. There may be a motivation for those choices, but that same motivation may spur someone to a different action. Why are we the way that we are? Who knows.
FeelingGreat wrote:
the trick is how to stop her pressing your buttons
Sasha, I've spend so much time trying to figure her out. And I'm getting to where you are, which is... What's The Point? At the end, her choices are her choices, her abuser's choices were his choices, just like my favorite color is blue and yours may be green. There may be a motivation for those choices, but that same motivation may spur someone to a different action. Why are we the way that we are? Who knows.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)