Just a clarification: I didn't interrupt a work meeting to call back my mom or sister. I am fortunately past that stage.
Can I ask a personal question? Do you feel a lot of guilt over being the "healthier" one?
Is managing your sister a role that you have played since childhood?
Abuse of children tears families apart. It causes resentment between siblings.
I seesaw between rage and pity. In a way, the rage protects me from the pity, because pity makes me vulnerable to her. Things are complicated by the fact that her abuser and she used to team up and bully me. There was a time when she was in high school when she told me that she was pregnant and I couldn't tell anyone. I was stressed out for god knows how long until she told me she was joking. Now I look back and wonder if she actually got pregnant by her abuser.
She's angry at me because things academically were easy for me. She didn't see me stay up until one o'clock in the morning to get my homework done. I was a dork, and she made it clear that she was embarrassed that I was her sister.
One thing that I hate is when I get angry at her, and she'll then describe every single thing I'm doing while I'm enraged. "You're breathing heavily. You're clenching your teeth." And then she acts as if she's the model of peace and love and takes on yoga poses. As if that would make up for the fact that she's abandoned her children and can't function as an adult. There are people here like Mango who WANT to be with their children, and it gets me mad that she treats her own like fashion accessories that can be put in and out of the closet at will. It is not fair! (I know the world isn't fair, but allow me some ranting and railing. I want to shake my staff at the sky while thunder and lightning storm all around me.) She wants to be treated like an adult, but doesn't want to do the work to earn the respect that is required to be treated like an adult.
I will talk to my therapist tomorrow about my own expectations - is this imagined conversation between my sister and myself for her or for me? Is this what I really want?
This sounds like "chandeliering" to me
Never heard of that. Heh!
One thing about the boundary imagery that I didn't think of when I was writing it (the moat, the barbed wire, the ring of fire). Boundaries are drawn up usually for very good reason, and when dealing with a toxic person, you need to haul out all your defenses to make sure that you're not trampled into bits. So yes, you need the moat, the barbed wire, and the ring of fire to protect yourself.
I think that a non-functional person will see that boundary and the protection surrounding it and will willingly slam against it. They'll beg you to tear down your defenses even as they continue injuring themselves. In their mind, it's the defense that's the problem, but in reality, if they just stopped pushing, the pain would stop.
I know my sister feels extremely resentful that nobody protected her, including her older sister. Her abuser picked her, not me. She was younger, more vulnerable, and primed for grooming. She wanted so badly to please people much to her ultimate disappointment. She is desperately afraid of being alone.
By focussing on the childhood abuse as an explanation, there may be a danger of diminishing the impact of her addiction on her recovery
I know this should be obvious, but I've never thought of that. Wow.
Thanks so much for your insight. Even if I didn't quote you I can assure you that everything has been percolating in my brain. It's like you all gave me pieces to the puzzle - it's up to me to assemble and create the complete picture.
And in today's self-care announcement - I took a FULL HOUR for lunch today and I left work at 5:30pm! Yippee!