OpheliaKatz

Hi. I understand you are frustrated. Abuse of children tears families apart. It causes resentment between siblings. It creates barriers between people who are supposed to love each other. I am sure that your sister feels that she was not protected as a child and there is a part of her that still is that child and wants her mother to protect her (and also maybe you). This unresolved trauma means she is making choices with the part of her that is still injured -- the part that is not an adult. It is unlikely that she will take responsibility for herself until she is able to reconcile the fractured parts of herself either through therapy or on her own. Her drug use means that she can avoid her pain and thus avoid getting better. She is basically stuck as long as she chooses to numb her trauma. Now... you say that there are plenty of people who have experienced trauma and are doing fine... I disagree. There are many "levels" of "doing fine". You have experienced trauma and are not "fine": just look at how the abuse and trauma have affected your relationship with your sibling. I used to say things like, "I experienced trauma and I am fine." Actually the fact that I ended up in an over-long relationship with an abusive addict suggests I was not fine. But you sound totally fed-up, and why wouldn't you be?

Is managing your sister a role that you have played since childhood? You don't have to play this role. You were treated like the superior sibling... and it may be that both you and your sister have internalized this role. You may even feel guilty that you were treated this way and feel as if you need to "help" your sister. You might resent her for not being able to manage her life while you felt you had no choice but to be the "good" child and manage yours. Please let go of "managing" your sister's problems. You need to detach just enough so that she has to pick up after herself. It is very frustrating for people to see the ones they love constantly do things that hurt themselves and others. Forgive yourself for what you can not or should not do. You can love and have compassion for your sister... but not collude with her self destructive tendencies by covering for her office equipment. You need to just accept... that you don't have to be peace keeper. Your mother is not making the situation better by taking the kids when it's your sister's turn for custody. I think this is a case where an addict is being enabled... the abuse being the root cause of addiction is coincidental (every addict has a reason... the sky is blue is a reason). By focussing on the childhood abuse as an explanation, there may be a danger of diminishing the impact of her addiction on her recovery. Pot is addictive too! Detach with love. Allow her to stand up on her own when she falls. Pray that she will find her way.

I am sorry for what has happened to your family. None of you deserved it.