You know I was watching a 20/20 program online last night, I've seen it before actually, the Diane Sawyer interview with Elizabeth Vargas discussing her alcoholism and the hold it had on her. She stated she would die for her children, without a thought to it, she would just do it BUT she could not stop drinking for them.
That's the hold it gets on people.
That actually took my breath away. I never connected the dots like that, I can't believe it is true. To be able to die to protect your child, but not stop drinking to protect them?! How can anything in the world take away that primal, mothers instinct to protect your child? To be willing to DIE, but not to go without alcohol?
Awal, maybe reading that statement over and over can help you disconnect from your AH a bit. It doesn't make his drinking right, it doesn't make what he says and does (or doesn't do) when he's drinking ok. It certainly doesn't cancel out the immense hurt, anger and resentment. But understanding what's going on with him, inside his head, might help you.
Saying you're in a hard spot is an immense understatement. We've all been there, just know you have shoulders to cry on and people who understand.