Return home Tomorrow
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Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 543
Return home Tomorrow
So l go home tomorrow after a relaxing long weekend. I haven't spoken to AH just a few text messages.
l am returning with a new resolve. I am going to try so hard to stop the searching and monitoring, the criticism and suspicion. I hope l can do it this time.
l am returning with a new resolve. I am going to try so hard to stop the searching and monitoring, the criticism and suspicion. I hope l can do it this time.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Hi Awal,
My sponsor suggested to me writing down a list of people I could go to for help, if I needed a place to stay. Even for a night or two. Doing this got me into a different headspace. I started seeing more possibilities. I started showing up for myself in new ways.
A lot of random ideas started bringing more focus to supporting my mental and psychological health in new ways.
Maybe co-workers have extra room or floor space for a change up in routine. Leaving an unhealthy environment says something to our hearts. Maybe it's reaching out to community organizations to see what might be available. People like helping out!
Mango
My sponsor suggested to me writing down a list of people I could go to for help, if I needed a place to stay. Even for a night or two. Doing this got me into a different headspace. I started seeing more possibilities. I started showing up for myself in new ways.
A lot of random ideas started bringing more focus to supporting my mental and psychological health in new ways.
Maybe co-workers have extra room or floor space for a change up in routine. Leaving an unhealthy environment says something to our hearts. Maybe it's reaching out to community organizations to see what might be available. People like helping out!
Mango
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,633
Originally Posted by Awal 
So l go home tomorrow after a relaxing long weekend. I haven't spoken to AH just a few text messages.
l am returning with a new resolve. I am going to try so hard to stop the searching and monitoring, the criticism and suspicion. I hope l can do it this time.
l am returning with a new resolve. I am going to try so hard to stop the searching and monitoring, the criticism and suspicion. I hope l can do it this time.
It's really something you "don't do" rather than something you "do".
Checking bottle levels - I don't do that, criticize for drinking - nope, I don't do that, suspicion about drinking, not my concern.
It is a choice, something you aren't doing anymore.
I wish you well with that Awal and it can be done, I think you will find a lot more contentment that way.
You know I was watching a 20/20 program online last night, I've seen it before actually, the Diane Sawyer interview with Elizabeth Vargas discussing her alcoholism and the hold it had on her. She stated she would die for her children, without a thought to it, she would just do it BUT she could not stop drinking for them.
That's the hold it gets on people.
She suffered and still suffers from anxiety and she eventually used it to self-medicate, as so many do.
I think it's a good look in to alcoholic thinking. I think understanding that drive to drink can help a person detach from it. Here is the program if you are interested:
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Awal……Correct me if I am wrong....I believe that you have mentioned, a couple of times, that, you don't intend to live with the drinking forever....
If this is true....perhaps, you can hang on to this fact as some comfort for you, right now. If you can think of it as "just a matter of time".....and think of a brighter future...where you can have some peace and serenity....
It would make sense, then, to decrease the daily conflict between you and your husband.....
He doesn't want to quit drinking, by all appearances...and, you don't want to live with it..... So, why not try to live in relative peace, for now....to preserve your own nerves, and stop poking at him...…Basically, a form of self care....
Don't know if this reasoning helps...but, thought I would lay it out h ere....
If this is true....perhaps, you can hang on to this fact as some comfort for you, right now. If you can think of it as "just a matter of time".....and think of a brighter future...where you can have some peace and serenity....
It would make sense, then, to decrease the daily conflict between you and your husband.....
He doesn't want to quit drinking, by all appearances...and, you don't want to live with it..... So, why not try to live in relative peace, for now....to preserve your own nerves, and stop poking at him...…Basically, a form of self care....
Don't know if this reasoning helps...but, thought I would lay it out h ere....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 543
Originally Posted by dandylion
Awal……Correct me if I am wrong....I believe that you have mentioned, a couple of times, that, you don't intend to live with the drinking forever....
If this is true....perhaps, you can hang on to this fact as some comfort for you, right now. If you can think of it as "just a matter of time".....and think of a brighter future...where you can have some peace and serenity....
It would make sense, then, to decrease the daily conflict between you and your husband.....
He doesn't want to quit drinking, by all appearances...and, you don't want to live with it..... So, why not try to live in relative peace, for now....to preserve your own nerves, and stop poking at him...…Basically, a form of self care....
Don't know if this reasoning helps...but, thought I would lay it out h ere....
If this is true....perhaps, you can hang on to this fact as some comfort for you, right now. If you can think of it as "just a matter of time".....and think of a brighter future...where you can have some peace and serenity....
It would make sense, then, to decrease the daily conflict between you and your husband.....
He doesn't want to quit drinking, by all appearances...and, you don't want to live with it..... So, why not try to live in relative peace, for now....to preserve your own nerves, and stop poking at him...…Basically, a form of self care....
Don't know if this reasoning helps...but, thought I would lay it out h ere....
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Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 543
Originally Posted by trailmix
You know, this could just be semantics but I think it's more than that.
It's really something you "don't do" rather than something you "do".
Checking bottle levels - I don't do that, criticize for drinking - nope, I don't do that, suspicion about drinking, not my concern.
It is a choice, something you aren't doing anymore.
I wish you well with that Awal and it can be done, I think you will find a lot more contentment that way.
You know I was watching a 20/20 program online last night, I've seen it before actually, the Diane Sawyer interview with Elizabeth Vargas discussing her alcoholism and the hold it had on her. She stated she would die for her children, without a thought to it, she would just do it BUT she could not stop drinking for them.
That's the hold it gets on people.
She suffered and still suffers from anxiety and she eventually used it to self-medicate, as so many do.
I think it's a good look in to alcoholic thinking. I think understanding that drive to drink can help a person detach from it. Here is the program if you are interested:
It's really something you "don't do" rather than something you "do".
Checking bottle levels - I don't do that, criticize for drinking - nope, I don't do that, suspicion about drinking, not my concern.
It is a choice, something you aren't doing anymore.
I wish you well with that Awal and it can be done, I think you will find a lot more contentment that way.
You know I was watching a 20/20 program online last night, I've seen it before actually, the Diane Sawyer interview with Elizabeth Vargas discussing her alcoholism and the hold it had on her. She stated she would die for her children, without a thought to it, she would just do it BUT she could not stop drinking for them.
That's the hold it gets on people.
She suffered and still suffers from anxiety and she eventually used it to self-medicate, as so many do.
I think it's a good look in to alcoholic thinking. I think understanding that drive to drink can help a person detach from it. Here is the program if you are interested:
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 543
Originally Posted by Mango212
Hi Awal,
My sponsor suggested to me writing down a list of people I could go to for help, if I needed a place to stay. Even for a night or two. Doing this got me into a different headspace. I started seeing more possibilities. I started showing up for myself in new ways.
A lot of random ideas started bringing more focus to supporting my mental and psychological health in new ways.
Maybe co-workers have extra room or floor space for a change up in routine. Leaving an unhealthy environment says something to our hearts. Maybe it's reaching out to community organizations to see what might be available. People like helping out!
Mango
My sponsor suggested to me writing down a list of people I could go to for help, if I needed a place to stay. Even for a night or two. Doing this got me into a different headspace. I started seeing more possibilities. I started showing up for myself in new ways.
A lot of random ideas started bringing more focus to supporting my mental and psychological health in new ways.
Maybe co-workers have extra room or floor space for a change up in routine. Leaving an unhealthy environment says something to our hearts. Maybe it's reaching out to community organizations to see what might be available. People like helping out!
Mango
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
You know I was watching a 20/20 program online last night, I've seen it before actually, the Diane Sawyer interview with Elizabeth Vargas discussing her alcoholism and the hold it had on her. She stated she would die for her children, without a thought to it, she would just do it BUT she could not stop drinking for them.
That's the hold it gets on people.
That actually took my breath away. I never connected the dots like that, I can't believe it is true. To be able to die to protect your child, but not stop drinking to protect them?! How can anything in the world take away that primal, mothers instinct to protect your child? To be willing to DIE, but not to go without alcohol?
Awal, maybe reading that statement over and over can help you disconnect from your AH a bit. It doesn't make his drinking right, it doesn't make what he says and does (or doesn't do) when he's drinking ok. It certainly doesn't cancel out the immense hurt, anger and resentment. But understanding what's going on with him, inside his head, might help you.
Saying you're in a hard spot is an immense understatement. We've all been there, just know you have shoulders to cry on and people who understand.
That's the hold it gets on people.
That actually took my breath away. I never connected the dots like that, I can't believe it is true. To be able to die to protect your child, but not stop drinking to protect them?! How can anything in the world take away that primal, mothers instinct to protect your child? To be willing to DIE, but not to go without alcohol?
Awal, maybe reading that statement over and over can help you disconnect from your AH a bit. It doesn't make his drinking right, it doesn't make what he says and does (or doesn't do) when he's drinking ok. It certainly doesn't cancel out the immense hurt, anger and resentment. But understanding what's going on with him, inside his head, might help you.
Saying you're in a hard spot is an immense understatement. We've all been there, just know you have shoulders to cry on and people who understand.
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Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 543
I got home...house clean and tidy. He seemed sober (who knows). Went across to my friend who lives opposite, she tells me she saw him coming out of the grocery store at 8.45am with something stashed inside his coat. My legs just went to jelly. Haven't said a word to him and don't intend to.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
You might want to tell the "friend" that you don't want to discuss this topic with her if it's going to upset you.
This is the problem with telling people who don't know about alcoholism. They get in the gossip cycle and want to tell you every little suspicious thing. I would shut down these discussions going forward.
I don't talk about personal problems with acquaintances. It's none of their business. Then I don't have to deflect these surprises. And, yeah. You knew he'd be drinking, so it isn't worth bringing it up with him. Business as usual.
This is the problem with telling people who don't know about alcoholism. They get in the gossip cycle and want to tell you every little suspicious thing. I would shut down these discussions going forward.
I don't talk about personal problems with acquaintances. It's none of their business. Then I don't have to deflect these surprises. And, yeah. You knew he'd be drinking, so it isn't worth bringing it up with him. Business as usual.
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Originally Posted by biminiblue
You might want to tell the "friend" that you don't want to discuss this topic with her if it's going to upset you.
This is the problem with telling people who don't know about alcoholism. They get in the gossip cycle and want to tell you every little suspicious thing. I would shut down these discussions going forward.
I don't talk about personal problems with acquaintances. It's none of their business. Then I don't have to deflect these surprises. And, yeah. You knew he'd be drinking, so it isn't worth bringing it up with him. Business as usual.
This is the problem with telling people who don't know about alcoholism. They get in the gossip cycle and want to tell you every little suspicious thing. I would shut down these discussions going forward.
I don't talk about personal problems with acquaintances. It's none of their business. Then I don't have to deflect these surprises. And, yeah. You knew he'd be drinking, so it isn't worth bringing it up with him. Business as usual.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
l am returning with a new resolve. I am going to try so hard to stop the searching and monitoring,
She may be in the know about alcoholism but how much in the know is she with self recovery from someone else's drinking.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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Right. I mean, the neighbor could use an Al Anon meeting if she feels like she needs to be up in their business - unless Awal specifically asks which isn't clear from her post.
To be fair, most people could use an Al Anon meeting or some direct counseling about minding their (literal) side of the street.
To be fair, most people could use an Al Anon meeting or some direct counseling about minding their (literal) side of the street.
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I am going to ask her not to report anything to me in future. It isn't helpful at all.
I am calm again and am going to do whatever l can to remain this way. The only advice l will listen to is from you guys x
I am calm again and am going to do whatever l can to remain this way. The only advice l will listen to is from you guys x
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Regardless of your neighbor’s agenda for “sharing” what she witnessed, There is not any healthy value in what she chose to share. Best to surround yourself with people that lift you up. Perhaps , your neighbor is still grieving her own loss ?
In life , we get to choose, these days I ask myself , before speaking “ Are my words helpful or hurtful ? ”. Seems, I don’t have much to say these days.( lol)
In life , we get to choose, these days I ask myself , before speaking “ Are my words helpful or hurtful ? ”. Seems, I don’t have much to say these days.( lol)
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Originally Posted by Awal
I got home...house clean and tidy. He seemed sober (who knows). Went across to my friend who lives opposite, she tells me she saw him coming out of the grocery store at 8.45am with something stashed inside his coat. My legs just went to jelly. Haven't said a word to him and don't intend to.
she he should have kept that to herself, and who knows what she saw. Be careful with the misery loves company friends. It doesn't mean that she wants bad things to happen, but she may not be healthy and be bitter.
This all takes time whether you decide to stay or leave. You asked on another thread how I came to not check and measure the bottle(s). Sorry for not replying sooner. Life has been hectic. My answer to that is that it took time. Like you I wanted to see how bad it was and the I continued to guage it even after I knew it was bad. That's ok. It's a process. At some point I let go. Maybe this is because I finally let go of us as a couple? At some point, I finally made a life of my own - meaning I expected him to be drunk and then it didn't disappoint me much anymore. That doesn't mean that I don't get pissed and sad at times.
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I just noticed a new bottle of milk in the fridge with only a little of it used. It had the brand name of the store my friend saw AH walking from yesterday morning. Maybe (just maybe) he had run out of milk for his morning tea and had gone to buy this...maybe she suspected the worst and passed that on. She is certainly biased as her hubby was a drinker and she hates my AH with a passion. He certainly wouldn't think to mention something as trivial as buying milk. Who knows and more to the point who will ever know.
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