Bitter AND Boring
I haven't posted a new thread in a good long while, so here I am!
Summary of life so far: Sister and I have had a difficult relationship for years. We were both physically abused by the woman who was supposed to take care of us. I am estranged from that woman. My sister says we weren't abused, and still spends time with her.
Around middle school, my sister was sexually abused by a relative of similar age who was living with us at the time. She has never told my parents. Nor surprisingly, she's abused alcohol and pot, mostly the latter. Years later, while married with two children, she got caught in an affair with an unemployed forty-something pothead still living with his parents. The money that she got in the sale of her house went towards plastic surgery. Her children no longer live with her, but spend most of their time with their dad. During "Mom's" time, they live with my parents.
She blames my parents for many things. She accuses my mom of not loving her. My sister is angry that my mom didn't want her to live in the house when she got divorced. Both my parents have battled cancer for four years, and my sister has not gone to a single appointment since early 2015. She wanted me to go the doctor to get mom pot because she was convinced that pot cured cancer. In an effort to include her in planning my mom's treatment, I told her that she should take charge of this. She said she couldn't, and she would send her wishes to the universe and somebody else would take care of it. Although she did eventually try later, the damage to our relationship was done. Later on, she pulled stunts like telling her ex-husband she couldn't get their house ready for sale because she was taking care of mom. Then she told my dad she couldn't take care of mom because she was getting the house ready for sale.
Anyway, the reason why I'm rehashing this is to lay the groundwork on what happened last week. My sister left some office equipment at my parents' house, which she is NOT supposed to do. My mom found it, and asked her it was hers. My mom got really agitated about it, so my sister lied and told her that it was mine. This all happened when I was at work, and both of them called me, one after another, while I was at a meeting. I answered the phone calls in the order I saw them, so I called Mom first. Mom asked me if the equipment was mine. I told her probably not. After I finished talking to Mom, I read my sister's text, which said "Hey, Mom found my equipment so I lied and told her it was yours and then she calmed down." Later on we talked on the phone and she asked me why I didn't call her first so I would know that I would have to cover for her. I asked her why should I expect that every time she calls me so it's that I can cover for her? She complained that my mom hates her current boyfriend. I told her that mom had every right to love or hate whomever she wanted, and why was she still seeking my mom's approval in her love life? I also bit my tongue hard, because my sister is boyfriend's Co-Worker #3 on the list of girlfriends. He works with four people, including himself.
I thought I was in a good place, but I feel that this conversation just set me back a million years. I'm so sick of listening to her say that my mom hates her. I'm sick of her lying. I'm so sick of her absorbing the personality of whomever she's sleeping with. I'm sick of having a sister who prioritizes catching and keeping a boyfriend over spending time with her own children. I know she endured severe trauma, but I also know amazing women who endured the same thing and who have risen above it. She doesn't even try. It's like she feels justified in vomiting her pain on whomever is the closest.
So why call this thread Bitter and Boring? Because that's what I've become, bitter and boring as all hell. I even bored one of my closest friends so much that she didn't even realize that my sister's children haven't lived with her for three years - I guess she just spaced out every time I started complaining about her.
My therapist wants me to talk to my sister about her sexual abuse and approach her with compassion, but honestly I just want to throw in the towel and say screw it. I remember the way she verbally abused my mom at my own college graduation and ruined what was supposed to be a celebration into a farce. She had just flunked out of college and thought the best way to cope with it was to transfer her disappointment onto me. I remember how she wrecked my car twice. I remember how I would beg her to be quiet when I was working at my dad's factory and had to get up at 6AM, and she would get upset at me because I wasn't accommodating her friends. It never, never, ends with her. She wouldn't know a boundary even if it came with a moat, a barbed wire fence, and a ring of fire.
At the same time, I think, I'm getting angry over a piece of office equipment? And it's true that she suffered in a way that I didn't suffer. And it's true that my mom did favor me because I did better academically than she did, and my mom didn't try to acknowledge my sister's non-academic accomplishments. But is that enough of an excuse to basically blow up your entire life and screw up your own children? But if she's mentally ill, would she know any better?
Why can't I get over this? Why can't I let go? Why can't I talk to her with compassion and no judgment? I thought I was detaching just fine. Obviously not.