I'm finally ready
Hello. I have been a long time lurker on these forums and occasional poster. When my husband has periods of sobriety I am not on and just go on with my day-to-day life but when he relapses I always stop by here just to know I am not alone.
Anyway after the long rollercoaster of hope/recovery and relapse/devastation I am finally ready to get off the ride. I told my husband of 12 years that I want a divorce last month shortly after I found out he started drinking again. He is now in rehab and I am happy that he is working on his recovery again but I am also at peace still with my decision. Even though I know its the right decision for me, I feel waves of guilt and mourning about the upcoming divorce. I still love him a lot so I have to remind myself of the hidden bottles, the manipulation, and the lies so that I stay resolve in my decision. I still want to be there for him but I am also trying to make sure to keep healthy boundaries, especially at this stage when we are still married, but separated.
Both our families and even my husband (when sober) have been surprisingly understanding of my decision but its still the hardest one I have ever made. Sometimes his dad asks me "is he just depressed?" or "if he has not drank in two years, whats the big deal if he gets drunk once..." (its never once, we know that) It takes a lot to not get frustrated but people believe what they want to believe, right? His mom recently asked if I would consider marriage counselling- but I know that a marriage counsellor could not eliminate the risk of another relapse and the lies that come with it.
I currently am living and working abroad which makes the situation a little complicated. However I am making the steps to move in with my parents in the US until I find a new job. Luckily there are no kids in this situation, just our dog.
Its hard to imagine not being with him- we met in college and in some ways we grew up together. I tell myself the feelings of guilt and sadness will fade with time....
Anyway, I'm glad I have this community. It helps to communicate with others who have been through this too.