I'm finally ready

Old 11-18-2018, 11:49 AM
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I'm finally ready

Hello. I have been a long time lurker on these forums and occasional poster. When my husband has periods of sobriety I am not on and just go on with my day-to-day life but when he relapses I always stop by here just to know I am not alone.

Anyway after the long rollercoaster of hope/recovery and relapse/devastation I am finally ready to get off the ride. I told my husband of 12 years that I want a divorce last month shortly after I found out he started drinking again. He is now in rehab and I am happy that he is working on his recovery again but I am also at peace still with my decision. Even though I know its the right decision for me, I feel waves of guilt and mourning about the upcoming divorce. I still love him a lot so I have to remind myself of the hidden bottles, the manipulation, and the lies so that I stay resolve in my decision. I still want to be there for him but I am also trying to make sure to keep healthy boundaries, especially at this stage when we are still married, but separated.

Both our families and even my husband (when sober) have been surprisingly understanding of my decision but its still the hardest one I have ever made. Sometimes his dad asks me "is he just depressed?" or "if he has not drank in two years, whats the big deal if he gets drunk once..." (its never once, we know that) It takes a lot to not get frustrated but people believe what they want to believe, right? His mom recently asked if I would consider marriage counselling- but I know that a marriage counsellor could not eliminate the risk of another relapse and the lies that come with it.

I currently am living and working abroad which makes the situation a little complicated. However I am making the steps to move in with my parents in the US until I find a new job. Luckily there are no kids in this situation, just our dog.

Its hard to imagine not being with him- we met in college and in some ways we grew up together. I tell myself the feelings of guilt and sadness will fade with time....

Anyway, I'm glad I have this community. It helps to communicate with others who have been through this too.
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Old 11-18-2018, 12:04 PM
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Hi bananapancakes - great username!

It's not easy, you have a lot of history with this person and it hurts, regardless of the circumstances.

Where do you think the guilt comes from? Have you broken that down at all for yourself?
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Old 11-18-2018, 12:38 PM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
Hi bananapancakes - great username!

It's not easy, you have a lot of history with this person and it hurts, regardless of the circumstances.

Where do you think the guilt comes from? Have you broken that down at all for yourself?
Hi Trailmix. Your name sounds tasty too.

The joke is that the guilt comes because I am Catholic But all joking aside, I just see my husband in this vulnerable state of early recovery and I am leaving him and taking the dog with me. I think its human to feel some guilt, right? Even if I know its what I need to do...
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Old 11-18-2018, 01:27 PM
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Absolutely, I think that's completely normal! It's the irrational guilt you have to look out for.

He's probably been in the vulnerable state of recovery several times?

The guilt and sadness will fade with time for sure, as long as you keep moving forward. It sounds like you are comfortable that you gave it your best shot.

You seem pretty grounded really.
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Old 11-18-2018, 01:51 PM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
Absolutely, I think that's completely normal! It's the irrational guilt you have to look out for.

He's probably been in the vulnerable state of recovery several times?

The guilt and sadness will fade with time for sure, as long as you keep moving forward. It sounds like you are comfortable that you gave it your best shot.

You seem pretty grounded really.
Thanks trailmix. That is a very nice compliment (to say I seem grounded). It took me a long time to get to this place and I have good days and bad days. One day at a time... And to answer your question- yes, he has been in that vulnerable state of recovery many times before. This is not his first time in rehab either. The hardest thing for me was that he let me believe that he was suffering from PAWS when really he was just intoxicated. I know he was protecting his addiction but I was naively worried that he needed to see a neurologist because I thought his PAWS symptoms were so bad. It seems so naive in retrospect that I still trusted him when he told me he wasn't under the influence despite the history... To me, the fact that he let me convince myself of that... that was my final straw I think. Anyways, I wish him all the best. I hope things get much better for both of us, even if we are not together. Thanks for your responses.
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Old 11-18-2018, 01:54 PM
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Yes, it's a bit of an emotional rollercoaster.

I can totally see how the PAWs thing would be the end to all that. That's rather cruel.

I hope you will stick around and keep posting!
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Old 11-19-2018, 05:51 PM
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Good for you for making a decision and adhering to it. I hope you have some friends who have been with you on that roller coaster, who can remind you of how hard you've tried and how much you deserve to choose your own life. The people you mention who are trying to guilt you into giving him another chance haven't been there through the muck that you've endured, if your experience has been like mine. Stay focused, visualize what you want in your life, and keep moving toward it. He's on his own journey. Maybe someday your tracks will intersect again, but for now, it sounds like you're making the healthy decision (even for him), to move on.
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Old 11-20-2018, 08:27 AM
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I am sorry, but I am glad you have found peace with your decision.

I can completely understand. I can only say turn off the noise of what other people say and explain to them you only need one thing, support. If they cannot offer that I would suggest telling them it's private and you don't wish to talk about it.

Keep taking good care of you!
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Old 11-20-2018, 06:18 PM
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Oh the guilt! I know it all too well and never understood it. My XAH never went to rehab or stopped drinking..he is a functional alcoholic so he never thought he had a problem. After 10 years of it, I divorced him and felt and still feel guilty about it. I don’t know why and can’t explain it. Good luck on your journey. It has been six months since I left and still have good and bad days. Eventhough, I felt tortured in our marriage by emotional abuse and loneliness, it is tough but I am not looking back.
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Old 11-23-2018, 11:00 AM
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Thanks for sharing your story.

Speaking of guilt, now my AH is now sending me texts trying to get a reaction from me. However I am proud of myself as I am staying strong and not responding. I already feel enough guilt, do not need him to add on to it. Actually it just makes me more resolved in my decision to leave. Why should I stay with someone who makes me feel bad about myself?

Im sorry your XAH never sought help but I am happy to hear that you are out of the relationship. Take care of yourself.

Originally Posted by Michsm View Post
Oh the guilt! I know it all too well and never understood it. My XAH never went to rehab or stopped drinking..he is a functional alcoholic so he never thought he had a problem. After 10 years of it, I divorced him and felt and still feel guilty about it. I don’t know why and can’t explain it. Good luck on your journey. It has been six months since I left and still have good and bad days. Eventhough, I felt tortured in our marriage by emotional abuse and loneliness, it is tough but I am not looking back.
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Old 11-23-2018, 11:07 AM
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Thanks sauerkraut. Yes its hard to understand how horrible it is unless you live with an A right? Glad to find others who understand.

Originally Posted by sauerkraut View Post
Good for you for making a decision and adhering to it. I hope you have some friends who have been with you on that roller coaster, who can remind you of how hard you've tried and how much you deserve to choose your own life. The people you mention who are trying to guilt you into giving him another chance haven't been there through the muck that you've endured, if your experience has been like mine. Stay focused, visualize what you want in your life, and keep moving toward it. He's on his own journey. Maybe someday your tracks will intersect again, but for now, it sounds like you're making the healthy decision (even for him), to move on.
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